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family trauma

(98 Posts)
hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:05:08

my partner and I have 3 children: 5, 3 & 2. I work ft and he looks after them till 4 ish wen he goes to the pub till 7ish. since November he has been acting like an idiot constantly bullying me; name calling, sleeping in the loft and generally being a shit. when I confront the situation he just tells me to leave. he says the kids don,t even like me, I am a thick useless mother etc. I just do not know what to do. I definitely would never leave the kids but I am just so unhappy . I have no family here and I am embarrassed to be in this awful situation. in the past he has been violent but has not hit me lately .

hullbird72 Thu 25-Jul-13 20:16:08

went to see the solicitor today he was pretty useless just told me that as his name was on birth Certs he has parental responsibility and as such did not think I should go for sole custody?? basically see how it goes and if I need to get an injunction come back to see him!! felt quite deflated afterwards

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 24-Jul-13 21:21:24

Enjoy your DCs and your holiday (easily said, I know). A good start about seeking help about his anger would be telling the police the truth. The rest is like his contract idea, intangible.

hullbird72 Wed 24-Jul-13 20:44:08

He reckons he has sought help from the doc to deal with his anger? I still do not think he really see's in himself what I saw and thinks it was all not that bad, of course I just bruise easily and my hair falls out all the time. I am seeing a solicitor tomorrow, I have been in touch with police who are going to try and deal with him while I am away. good advice FFRdent I will take passports, birth certificates etc away with me. I will try and secure the house, change alarm code etc, see neighbours by the time I return in 2 weeks he may have finally got it in his head that it is over?????

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Wed 24-Jul-13 20:22:23

Joining late. If you are leaving your home, take important documents away with you or with a friend. I would not want him taking away documents you will need later.

Re his idea of a contract. It would not work. "Making it work" is an intangible, an abstraction. You cannot put an abstraction as the basis of a contract. He will move in, revert to old self (i gather he has taken no quantifiable steps to address himself, like seeing a GP, joining and attending AA, going to counselling alone, etc.) and declare that your relationship is fine, just perfect.

hullbird72 Wed 24-Jul-13 20:01:34

I am going to tell him he has to take the dog at least for the 2 weeks but prob 4eva, he is just using her as an excuse to try and get in the house, if not I'll tell him she'll have to go in kennels he won't like that!!
He Is not working and he has left me with 3 kids under 6 and a dog. I work FT, WhAt a mug I must seem!!!!!

MushroomSoup Wed 24-Jul-13 15:48:25

What's happening with the dog?

hullbird72 Wed 24-Jul-13 15:36:38

sound advice I am certainly in no hurry to take him back, if ever!! I feel so much more relaxed and happy on my own,even with 3 little ones to contend with

cestlavielife Wed 24-Jul-13 11:29:48

if he can change let him do it well away. giv him a year of being away from you to prove himself.

otherwise you will be back in his trap
people who manipulate and bully dont abuse 24/7. cycle of abuse . nasty then nice...then nasty.

hullbird72 Wed 24-Jul-13 10:56:15

I am going to contact solicitors and get back onto the police, I am off to my parents for 2 weeks with the kids so hopefully the space away will give me time to think without his constant pecking, I am 95% sure that I do not want to get back with him.

LunaticFringe Tue 23-Jul-13 20:31:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hullbird72 Tue 23-Jul-13 20:19:44

Still reckons he can change, is this possible, most people seem to think not. he is full of regret understands why I am in my shell

hullbird72 Mon 22-Jul-13 22:02:58

been better today have to keep reminding myself what an absolute shit he has been, replayed some recordings I made of his constant taunts and bullying. thanks to ya'll for keeping me strong x

ChasedByBees Sun 21-Jul-13 19:05:27

No no no no no.

No a note from a solicitor won't be of any use when you're trying to get a manipative bully out of your home.

No you shouldn't go to relate and no you won't regret leaving someone who teaches your children that violence is normal and teaches your son to hit women.

No you shouldn't allow his dog to live with you to give him an excuse to come to your house whenever he likes.

Just no!

Get him out of your life and be firm. I'd get into the police and find out when they are going to contact him as he is harassing you.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 21-Jul-13 18:33:03

Keep contact to text and email so you have time to consider your response (if any) and see whether the things he says are sense or guilt tripping. Ignore anything that isn't to do with contact arrangements or the children's welfare.

hullbird72 Sun 21-Jul-13 18:27:06

I do know he won't change deep down, I think I just need reassurance from sensible worldly wise people to drag me back. I am going to keep contact with him to a minimum now as he is clearly messing with my head and my emotions

Schlock Sun 21-Jul-13 18:07:27

Relate won't even entertain counselling where there is an abusive partner so he can stick that idea where the sun don't shine.

Don't listen to his lies about how things will be different. You know they won't.

IAmNotAMindReader Sun 21-Jul-13 18:03:36

Right cease all contact with him right now. Get someone else to do the handovers. You cannot be anywhere near him right now. He will hit you again.
Get another sim give him this number and respond to details to do with the children only.
Go to the police for advice about how to keep him away from you.
Withdraw contact if you need to so it can go to court and be set out there, perhaps at a contact centre.

You are right he would just manipulate the situation with relate. if he was serious he would leave you alone.

Doha Sun 21-Jul-13 18:00:15

Take him back if you want BUT you will regret it and be back posting here in no time.
He will not change and as previously said the only reason he wants back now is that he is missing the cushy life that you provided for him.
Your DC's deserve better than to see their DM getting abused by their dad. Do you want them to grow up thinking this behaviour is normal?
If you can't do it for yourself and do it for the DC's and their future.

Remember NO is a complete sentence

hullbird72 Sun 21-Jul-13 17:54:14

I know, I know. I told him I cannot get all that nasty, cruel, awful behaviour outi of my head, he says we should both go to RELATE, I said he would just manipulate the councillor, he says he is going to get help for his violence?? He reckons I should give it another go so I do not look back with regret? He is trying to make me feel guilty for taking their father away from the kids even though I think I am doing the right thing he is making me question it!!!

pictish Sun 21-Jul-13 17:28:04

Yes gives him more opportunity to work on you doesn't it?
And no - his solicitor's document holds no credence whatsoever. He just made it up.

May I remind you....

About a month ago he kicked off again hitting me in front of the kids

hullbird72 Sun 21-Jul-13 17:22:02

he has just dropped kids off, they are all asleep so he spent ages trying to convince me we should try and work it out for each other and the kids, he is very persuasive I told him I do not trust him and can't get over all he had done, he says he will sign a document with a solicitor stating that if it does not work and I want him to move out he will, does this hold any credence?? he is just confusing me, can he really change? do the kids deserve a full time dad? he certainly knows how to push my buttons! I have put him off by telling him I need more time ? another thing I am taking the kids to my parents and asked him to take the dog, she is his dog really he had her when we met, anyway he's aid it would not be convenient at the flats but he would come here to let her out walk her, I am not comfortable with this?

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:44:12

I will have no quarms about having him removed if I need to, do not worry I will be no push over no longer...... Once he is questioned by the police the best he can expect is a caution( this is only likely if he accepts what he has done is wrong) If he does not accept he has done wrong he will be arrested and held pending court appearance. You only get 1 caution if he gets arrested again he is charged. Hence why I am anxious to get police on the case!!!!

pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 11:20:35


pictish Sat 20-Jul-13 11:20:17

Well...who's doing will that be?
You rll him you don't want any trouble, if he chooses to create it, wg=hat can you do?
Accept it? Give in?

No - you have him removed.

hullbird72 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:09:12

I have been in touch with empowerment through the police and best advice is change locks and phone police if he tries anything, that is when it will all go mad when the police finally get in touch....,,

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