Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

family trauma

(98 Posts)
hullbird72 Sun 19-May-13 22:05:08

my partner and I have 3 children: 5, 3 & 2. I work ft and he looks after them till 4 ish wen he goes to the pub till 7ish. since November he has been acting like an idiot constantly bullying me; name calling, sleeping in the loft and generally being a shit. when I confront the situation he just tells me to leave. he says the kids don,t even like me, I am a thick useless mother etc. I just do not know what to do. I definitely would never leave the kids but I am just so unhappy . I have no family here and I am embarrassed to be in this awful situation. in the past he has been violent but has not hit me lately .

hullbird72 Wed 22-May-13 22:47:56

things have been awful tonight loads of verbal abuse thick fucking ugly disgusting minging slag. even got the kids to call me stupid and taunt me. 5 yr old was really confused and upset she started screaming when she thought daddy was going to hit me . I need to get him to leave but why should he, he is clearly trying to crack me up , get me to leave. I worry if I ring he police they will take the kids away it he will destroy me ?

AlfalfaMum Wed 22-May-13 23:21:13

Please call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. They will advise you re. How to proceed.
This situation is awful for you, and damaging your children. What was he doing exactly when your 5 year old was scared?

Regarding your house, you surely have a bigger claim on it as you pay for it? He shouldn't get custody, he's an abusive alcoholic.

Mumsyblouse Wed 22-May-13 23:24:40

The police won't take your children away- please call them if it kicks off tonight. Can you take the children and go somewhere? I would be worried for your safety. What he is doing is abusive and you need to remove yourself and the children. Call Women's Aid as well on the number given above.

cestlavielife Wed 22-May-13 23:34:34

No the police will take him away if you call them.

If you tell them you want to stay with him then yes kids better off elsewhere but if you ask for help to remove him clearly the kids stay with you.

Report his abuse. Report his past violence. It is the only way.

Can you arrange other child are eg childminder after school, club?

If he is violent and abusive and you report him you have a case to have sole residence regardless of whether you work or not But you need to report .

hullbird72 Mon 15-Jul-13 20:32:12

About a month ago he kicked off again hitting me in front of the kids I packed my bags the next day and took the kids to my parents. We stayed until he moved out. Now he is putting the pressure on for us to try again, saying all the right things promising to change, try hard, big regrets etc. any advice people can abusive manipulative people change is it worth trying again for the sake of the kids?.

hullbird72 Mon 15-Jul-13 20:41:46

About a month ago he kicked off again hitting me in front of the kids I packed my bags the next day and took the kids to my parents. We stayed until he moved out. Now he is putting the pressure on for us to try again, saying all the right things promising to change, try hard, big regrets etc. any advice people can abusive manipulative people change is it worth trying again for the sake of the kids?.

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 15-Jul-13 21:06:21

No they don't not in this short space of time.
Abusive and and manipulative people very rarely change. He would need counselling for a long time on his own not involved with you and if he ever did have that epiphany he would realise the damage he had done and let you heal, move on and be free.

No it isn't worth trying again for the kids do you seriously want them to be in that situation again the relationships they see as they grow is what they model their adult relationships on.

newlifeforme Mon 15-Jul-13 21:15:45

Well done for leaving, you have done the right thing and have protected your children.

No, abusive people need counselling to change.My H had an awful childhood which has made him controlling and abusive.He has been in counselling 9 months and if anything its worse as he has to go through the anger from his childhood.

cuttingpicassostoenails Mon 15-Jul-13 21:16:11

Don't give in to the pressure. I cannot see any way that a reconciliation would be of benefit to your children...they really do not need to see their mother being abused.

The chances of him being able or willing to change are vanishingly small.

hullbird72 Mon 15-Jul-13 21:31:41

The kids are still very young so I hope this will not effect them, your comments reassure me that I am doing the right thing. Thanks for the advice.

Doha Mon 15-Jul-13 21:38:02

No he hasn't changed his lifestyle has tho!!
He has probably found that the grass is not greener on the other side and also he has lost his meal ticket.

Stay strong and keep him away

DHtotalnob Mon 15-Jul-13 22:31:57

however he reckons the house is his as his name is 1st on the correspondence etc. this is bollocks I take it?

of course it's bollocks. You know that. Personality defects aside, he's the one that sound like a fucking moron to me. Stop trying to work him out and protect your children and yourself. He is poison.

I don't usually sound off like this, but you are on the cusp of losing faith in your own thoughts. Come back!!!! We'll catch you.

hullbird72 Wed 17-Jul-13 18:57:47

hey DH I am not lost to his attempt at charm I think in reality I was just maybe hoping there was a slim chance he may be normal but I know this is not true he is desperately trying to claw his way back in but fact is I just do not trust him and could never get over the years of unreasonable abuse he has put me through, I have been in touch with the police and had photos taken when he kicked off that last time unfortunately it is considered low priority and as such he has not been interviewed yet??

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 17-Jul-13 19:05:06

Please stay away from him and be persistent with the police so that it is on record that he is violent. Your children will be so much better away from an atmosphere of aggression and fear. He is anything but normal. Good luck

hullbird72 Wed 17-Jul-13 19:44:28

Thanks I am trying to be strong but I think I am letting him see the children too often and he is becoming too familiar again just walking in the house etc, what is reasonable access anyone? I have been letting him see then an hour a night and mornings sat and sun?

Doha Wed 17-Jul-13 19:52:24

He can see the kids as often as you want but he does not need to come to the house to do so.

How much contact do you think he would want if you said you had to meet/do the handover at a park or cafe.
Could it be that he is seeing the children so often just to get to see you more often and wear you down?

IAmNotAMindReader Wed 17-Jul-13 19:58:43

Arrange whatever access you are happy with, however it must now exist on its own. By that I mean its his time with them therefore he collects them and takes them somewhere and drops them back at the end. If he cannot keep to that then either you or him need to involve a third party to deal with handovers. It sounds from your post like contact is occurring mainly within your house, apologies if I am mistaken.

The arrangement you have now will need amending as they got to school full time possibly condensed into Friday evening to Sunday morning weekly or fortnightly, or a couple of hours mid week and some weekend time. You get my meaning.

hullbird72 Wed 17-Jul-13 20:30:36

I do need to be more direct I think with regards the 'handover' he is trying to muscle back in through the kids I think, I did try and establish more rigorous access but he was not interested. Basically DOha is right I think he is trying to wear me down

hullbird72 Thu 18-Jul-13 20:27:07

I tried the direct approach tonight and he got all arsey saying he is going to fight me in court for custody, I should move out so he can look after the kids, I hit the kids (I admit to the occasional tapped hand) he got aggressive and I reminded him that this is why I cannot have him back. He is making out that I am hurting the kids by not giving it another try and he is accusing me of hitting him, I admit I did occasionally in self defence but I soon learnt there was no point, he is a big bloke. The police have still not been in touch with him. I know it is unlikely but is there any chance he will get custody, he says he will sell the property he has and throw all his. Money at it. I feel like he is trying to blackmail me into taking him back!

LunaticFringe Thu 18-Jul-13 20:33:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hullbird72 Thu 18-Jul-13 20:40:45

I just do not think he realises how bad he has been, he is trying to make out I am also responsible for his behaviour and my behaviour was almost as bad as his, looking back now I see clearly all my actions were reactions or in retaliation but I never started a fight or made the first move or even hardly ever hit back. he said tonight I never punched you? I think he may be mentally imbalanced?

LunaticFringe Thu 18-Jul-13 20:44:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hullbird72 Thu 18-Jul-13 21:24:08

That is so true, clearly he has not realised the error of his ways like he was claiming, just how much he has truly lost.!!!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Fri 19-Jul-13 15:02:00

Please do accept that he the bad guy here OP.

You said earlier "he is a good father" but not even including what you've written in your updates, how is this manifesting itself? Do you truly believe that being a good father involves bullying the children's mother ? That it involves encouraging the kids to taunt or disrespect their mother? Is it modelling for them that abusive relationships (and this is what you're in sweetheart) are the norm, and that this is what they deserve for themselves when they get older?

You are doing the right thing by your kids and by yourself with what you are doing.

Btw: "I never punched you?" Does he think he was doing you a favour by not doing this? hmm

hellsbellsmelons Fri 19-Jul-13 15:21:54

I think he may be mentally imbalanced?

Nope - he's just re-writing history like all abusers!!!

It's to make you doubt yourself. But you know the truth.
Keep him away for a while.
You need him well out of your head space for a while.

Let him take you to court! What with? Does he earn any money?
If so, does he pay maintenance for the kids? Because the courts won't like that one little bit.

Call his bluff, because he is bluffing.
His control is slipping and he's panicking.
Stick with it and be strong.
You are doing so well.

And... NO, he's not a good dad BTW!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: