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I've been dumped by my friend and am quite upset about it :(

(201 Posts)
redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 21:57:41

Contrary to what this might sound like, I am not a 15 year old schoolgirl. Believe it or not I am a 38yr old working woman, I have a DH, DC, great family and friends.

So here is my story...

I moved to my current city 7 years ago (for DHs job), and didn't know anyone here. After I had DD1 I made friends with Jane.

When I was pg with DD2, Jane introduced me to Alison. Turns out that DD1 and Alisons DD were only 2 weeks apart in age, and both our DC2 were due within weeks of each other.

Alison and I got on really well, and, amongst other things, we are both in mixed-culture relationships, we are of the same background, and our DHs are of a same background too.

Over the past three years we have chatted on a daily/weekly basis about kids, families, and our personal lives. We always call each other for a moan, text every now and again, although we didn't meet up much - once or twice a month maximum as we are both busy with work, families, etc. This has never been an issue, and we are both pretty independent people who like our space.

Our DC2 were born 6 weeks apart from each other, they are in the same group at nursery and are really good friends. We usually meet one day outside of nursery too and our DC2 love this.

Alison is lovely to know, and knows a lot of people. People really seem to warm to her, and, as she chats to everyone, shy mums in particular really seemed to develop close friendships with her - i.e. they would confide in her, and then get to slightly stalker-ish stage where they want to go over to her house, or always bugging her to go out, which she didn't like, but was happy to chat to them at the school gates.

Eventually it would all get a bit much for her and she would end up cutting them out. I never met these mums, but there was always one or another she would tell me about. We always joke about how she attracts weirdos.

Occasionally she would have arguments with school mums - e.g. they blocked her car in and wouldn't let her leave as she had accidentally taken one of their regular parking spaces when she first passed her test.

The latest one has been that they found out she was a parent volunteer on a week long residential trip with her DS and these school mums accused her of 'arse-licking' the teachers to get to be on the trip.

This week, she suddenly started acting really strange and off with me - I genuinely have no idea why. I invited her and her DC to my DDs birthday party via text (because I would not have seen her that day, it wasn't a nursery day). She sent me a really shirty reply. I text her back, asked if everything was ok, she said no, not really, and I called her.

She said she had been talking to the school mums - one of whom has just had a baby and the subject of baby names came up. Now my DD3 (a baby, aged 8mo) has the same name as her DD1 (Yr 1, aged 6years).

This just happened to be a name my DH liked, I asked Alison if it was ok that we used it and she said no problem, said quite happily and with no hint that it was not ok.

So she was talking to these mums, some of them know me from playgroups etc, and started telling Alison that I wasn't to be trusted, because I 'stole' her DDs name!! They said my DD3s name was of a different style to my other two DDs, and that I reminded them of the stalker mums who used to hero-worship Alison a bit. It was so ridiculous I laughed when she said this.

She said it has messed with her head, and she cant stop thinking about how silly they are, etc. I asked who said this and she doesn't want to tell me and cause further upset. Which is really frustrating for me as I am quite happy to tell them to take a running jump.

I asked if my DDs name was a problem to her (not that I can do anything about this now!) and she kept insisting it isn't. But something they said must have hit a nerve.

This all happened on Friday. She has then removed herself from a FB group conversations that Alison, Jane and I have had going for nearly a year, we are not on it every day, but all three contribute equally and use this for every day chit chat. Again I asked if anything was wrong, and I could come over to talk it through with her but she kept insisting everything is fine.

So I decided to carry on as normal, text her about something funny that happened to me this weekend as I usually would, and got very short replies - e.g. we are chilling this weekend/I am busy tomorrow/etc. So no details or natural chit-chat from her. I can tell she has decided she is going to keep me at a distance and let our friendship fizzle out.

If I am honest she is my closest friend in this city and I feel gutted for having lost a best mate when I really don't know why. There is obviously more to what the school mums have said and I am really pissed off that she has listened to them and taken their word for whatever this issue is. I have genuinely no idea what it could be, I am a pretty honest, upfront and decent person.

I also feel like a stupid schoolgirl for being upset in this way. I am also pissed off that my 3yo DC2 may be losing her friend (Alisons DC2) because of the mums falling out. But mostly quite pissed off that I am being dumped with no explanation.

Please help me to feel better about this.

CaptainSweatPants Sun 19-May-13 22:02:52

She doesn't sound very nice though

Laughing at other mums, calling them wierdos

Having confrontations , freezing people out

You're better off out of it tbh

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:03:29

In some ways I would like to get rid of the friendship now, I feel like she has betrayed me a bit my listening to some unknown schoolground gossip when I thought she knew me quite well.

But I am gutted at the thought of losing a close friend and having to make another, and also feel protective that DD2 may also lose a friendship over this (I'm sure she would be fine, she's hardly a sensitive little thing!)

I do have other lovely, normal friends but for some reason this has made me really sad sad

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Sun 19-May-13 22:06:30

It seems to me this was always going to happen. Your 'friend' loves the power of making close friendships and then breaking them. She is probably really insecure and uses this to feel in control of her life.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:06:34

CSP the thing is, that she was never mean with me.

When I had DD3 by c-section and no family help, she was great at popping by with food or getting me to put my feet up whilst she was here, and, as I don't have anyone else here to do that, I was so grateful to her.

That's an overriding memory of our friendship to me.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 22:06:43

Well it's your "turn" isn't it. She makes friends, she dumps them. Sounds like she enjoys the drama. Without hurting your feelings she does not value this friendship in the way that you so.

The name thing is a red herring. I think this was always going to happen.

I think she sounds horrible actually.

AFingerofFudge Sun 19-May-13 22:07:34

I had a slightly similar situation happen a few years ago with a friend I met when we both moved to the town I'm now in. We seemed to have lots in common, kids similar age etc. Without going into the details which would take weeks to write down....she dumped me in a pretty cruel way when someone "better" came along.
At the time I was devastated, wondered what I'd done, felt like you do a silly schoolgirl- I kept saying to friends "this has never happened to me before, I thought I'd left this kind of behaviour behind when I left school".

My advice? Forget her and move on. I spent months wondering why, was upset, analysed everything, and eventually came to my senses and realised it wasn't me, it was her.

that's about 6 years ago now and as time moved on I realised she had some mental health issues which probably contributed to her behaviour, she was a manipulative cow, and as the years have gone on she has burned her bridges with many people. So don't waste your time with it, I wish I hadn't.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 19-May-13 22:08:10

Honestly as hard as it is, I would never initiate contact with her again.

kayfish Sun 19-May-13 22:09:04

She obviously has had agro from these previous stalky friendships and she's predicting it from you, even though you're not going to give it to her.

It is very hard when there is a misunderstanding in friendships like this, I totally get your pain over it.

Best solution? Don't contact her for a couple of weeks (to show that you're not being a stalker) then send a concise email that is very light in tone, but making the point that you had no intention to cause any upset, re-iterating that it was a name your DH liked, that you're sad for your daughter's friendship and that you hope you can patch things up in the future.

AFingerofFudge Sun 19-May-13 22:09:33

You do have my sympathy by the way, it's a horrible thing to happen - even at our age!

Monka Sun 19-May-13 22:09:44

The whole thing sounds a bit 'playground' tbh. Someone bad mouths you to Alison and now she's not your friend anymore. You did all you could reasonably do and I would just leave the ball in her court. If she cuts you out based on what other people have said but not based on your shared friendship then she's not such a great friend after all. I'm fairly loyal and would give my friends the benefit of the doubt. I have friendships that go back to when I was 11 yrs old and have grown up with my friends and still see them.

Try not to worry about your dc. Children tend to still speak and play together at school even if the parents don't necessarily get on.

JustGiveMeFiveMinutes Sun 19-May-13 22:11:18

I really wouldn't do what kayfish suggests. Contacting her would be playing into her hands. No doubt she'll accuse you of being 'stalker ish' confused

MerryMarigold Sun 19-May-13 22:12:44

I think you need to move again! The school mums sound really weird, immature and frankly, a bit ridiculous hmm.

Yes, I think you are probably best off out of this relationship or keeping it really low key.

She sounds a bit narcissistic, attracting people and then thinking they're hero worshipping her and then dumping them. Not nice at all. I didn't like her from your original OP and it sounds like she's taken you in a bit too.

Don't feel too sad. You should be relieved.

Mumsyblouse Sun 19-May-13 22:13:33

I am not a great fan of intense friendships that are more like relationships- I think effectively she's dumped you! Honestly- I can understand you are sad, but all this going quiet/sulking/listening to gossip stuff is just not enhancing your life. Plus you are now falling victim to the same story that this lady told you- that people latch onto her and are a bit stalkerish when they were probably just wanting to be friends with someone who appears very friendly. Not every friendly seeming person has a great heart and sometimes, even if you like someone a lot, you find out later on that they are not quite who they seem. I really wouldn't be trying to make up with someone stroppy though, the one bonus of having friends to me is that they are not stroppy and are nice and not too demanding (unlike my husband and me). Once friendships start heading out of the 'life enhancing' and into the 'head mess' space- just move on, even if you feel a bit sad.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:14:41

TBH I was wondering if some of these school ground dramas may have been made up, as they seemed so extreme to me.

We have a lot of overlapping friends from baby group days etc and I have never had a conversation or confrontation with anyone in the way she regularly seems to. But I do put that down to her being more chatty than I am.

I can see that cutting contact is the logical next step. It's just weird to do that with someone who knows every argument I've had with my DH and every time I have cried in the last 3 years.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 19-May-13 22:15:35

It sounds really tough sad

I agree with Captain - she doesn't sound a very nice person. Befriending shy women, probably making them think they were genuine friends, then dropping them if they dared to suggest popping over for coffee, or a drink.

Yeah, then laughing about them and calling them weirdos. hmm

For whatever reason, she's turning that treatment on you. You have overstepped the mark, you have been relegated to the weirdo pen. You are now Out.

It's shit and hurtful. I'm really sorry, losing a friend hurts like hell, I know.

But please maintain your dignity and stop chasing her. Breezy confident smiles when you see her.

You could even say, "Oh by the way Alison, I understand that what you heard must have affected you greatly - whatever it was! - and it's fine if you want to take a step back. Always fun to see you around though!" And then whizz off busily.

Allow yourself to feel sad, though. It's natural. And it does fade.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:16:33

Ok my last sentence sounds a bit stalkerish! But I mean we would discuss our home lives and personal stuff too!

Mintyy Sun 19-May-13 22:17:22

You may well be a 37 year old woman and not a 15 year old girl but this does very much sound like 15 year olds being silly.

redandyellowbits Sun 19-May-13 22:18:45

Mintyy I agree it does sound like we are 15 year olds, it is all quite bizarre to me.

My youngest ds wouldn't behave like this and he's 12. She's bizarre.

Let her get on with it and have a bit of time clearing your head. Then find other friends. If you can find the time maybe join a group?

I've been 'dumped' by female friends before but tbh there was always an inkling. I think you can outgrow people too.

But this one seems to be very immature. And a bit self obsessed.

MerryMarigold Sun 19-May-13 22:19:08

Yes, maybe the school mum dramas are mostly made up. I don't know any like that!

cocolepew Sun 19-May-13 22:19:11

I wouldn't believe a word she says TBH. If there is a lot of drama around a person you can be certain that they are instigating it.

cocolepew Sun 19-May-13 22:19:54


Mumsyblouse Sun 19-May-13 22:20:57

8red* It took me quite a long time in life to realise that although you may be a very straightforward person who takes people at face value, not everyone is. It's a tough lesson to learn, and I don't think you should change, be friendly, be open, but also perhaps hold back a tiny bit if people are giving off signals- if you don't get into confrontations/park in people's spaces/attract stalker friends (who are these ladies, probably just ordinary mums who wanted to be friendly?) then the chances are, that was because of the way she handled things.

I think she's pretty mean, if she really cared very deeply for the friendship she would be working on getting over any upset over a name she's not, and her behaviour is unpleasant.

I think you have to say live and learn on this one, and you will find some more good friends- I also don't think you will be the only one who has had a hard time with her and so don't feel bad at the nursery/school gates, keep busy with making new friends/keeping up with the mums you do get on with and keep out of her orbit.

magicstars Sun 19-May-13 22:23:12

Is your / her dd's name very popular? Tbh I'd avoid using the name of someone I was close to dc's, for my own dc. I can understand why she's a bit put out about that, perhaps less so if it's a top 10 name in which case you'd expect others to be using it. Why she has chosen to get upset about it now, but not at the time, is odd.
She does sound a bit mean, bitching about other mums (perhaps who also considered her as a good friend) & as though she considers hetself to be a bit better than most. It sounds to me like she has a history of dropping friends & you are probably best off without her. It is upsetting though when this happens & more so when the reasoning isn't clear.
I'd act cool if I were you, meet other friends & maintain a civil relationship with her, though I wouldn't 'chase' her as you will probably fuel her ego.

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