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my mum told my DCs I hate them (long)

(71 Posts)
pretenditsnotme Sun 19-May-13 15:56:26

I have name changed because my background makes me easy to identify.

Background: I have never been close to my mum, growing up she could be very controlling over clothes and friends and she put a lot of pressure on me to act a certain way. I moved out as soon as I could and only really see her a few times a year. My younger brother and sister have done the same as me. However she has always been a good grandmother she buys them treats and enjoys her time with them and has always been kind and loving towards them.

I was involved in a car crash 8 years ago. I was in the car with my eldest DS (2) and DD who was a baby at the time. It wasn't my fault a drunk driver drove into the side of my car at a junction. My DS was killed and it was/is very hard for me and my DH.

I was very scared of driving for ages and although I started driving myself a year ago I still get very nervous when I have others in the car, mainly my DCs.
Today my mum was having a small house party for my step-dad. They only live down the road so DH suggested I drive to get used to having my DCS in the car. I agreed so I drove to the house and when I parked up outside my mum came running out to make a fuss of my DCs until she saw that it was me driving.
She then stopped and started asking why I was driving, and what was I thinking. I just told her that it was fine and we went inside.
An hour later I caught her in the kitchen with my DD (now 9) telling her how dangerous it was to be in a car with me and telling her that I would kill everyone. DD was upset so I told her to go and find DH and we would go home.
My mum started shouting saying that I must hate my DCs to put their lives in danger. She said I was an unfit mother and started saying that I killed my DS.
We left and she kept shouting as we were driving off.
My DD was terrified as were my other DCs. We got home and I explained to them that their grandma was upset and she was being silly, that I loved them and so on.

DH has taken the DCs out to the park and my mum keeps calling. I have no idea what to do because my DCS love her but I don't want her around them ever again.
So WWYD? Because I feel so lost and let down by her behaviour.

PoppadomPreach Sun 19-May-13 16:05:47

I am so sorry for your loss - what a horrific thing to have to go through.

With regard to your mother, I think at this stage, though it will be emotionally hard, you need to cut ties. What she said is unforgivable. I am utterly flabbergasted that anyone could be so cruel and vindictive.

You have to be completely strong about this - no contact whatsoever. Tell her you do not wish to see her under any circumstances whatsoever. She will have no further contact with her grandchildren (no matter how lovely she has been to them in the past, the spiteful, damaging malicious lies she told them today shows what a heartless, uncaring person she actually is). This will be hard initially for your GC, but I think for the best.

I am so so sorry you are gng through this. And, just for the avoidance of any doubt (and I'm sure you don't think this) but in no way whatsoever can you possibly be held accountable for that tragic accident. Words really fail me about how evil your mother was to say such an atrocious thing.

I hope you can move on quickly from this x

Euphemia Sun 19-May-13 16:07:30

I'd never speak to her again! She's toxic, and no good for you or your family.

I'm so sorry about the accident: you need support from your mother, not this! She's the unfit mother, not you.

mikkii Sun 19-May-13 16:10:12

You poor thing. Even though you know the accident wasn't your fault, I bet you and DH beat yourselves up enough and really don't need this.

I would unplug the phone so you don't need to speak to her now. I say unplug as I cannot ignore a ringing phone.

I suspect that you are very angry, and rightly so, but if you were to write a letter to her, it would give you an opportunity to say what you would like to say without her interrupting. You can also take your time, change the wording and go at your own speed, review what you have said.

You are clearly a very strong person and to have been able to start driving again shows great determination. Keep up with the driving.

Does your DD know about the accident? Perhaps a quiet chat with her later on, explaining that MIL was just scared and scared people do/say silly things when they are scared. If you are able to leave her an option to continue her relationship with MIL that would be very noble of you.

Good luck.

mikkii Sun 19-May-13 16:11:28

Sorry, just realised it is your mum, not MIL. advice doesn't change though.

Shellywelly1973 Sun 19-May-13 16:13:50

You poor thing...you've been through so much.

Fundamentally you need to protect your dc...

Just keep that in your mind.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-May-13 16:14:46

Honestly, after her outburst I would unceremoniously cut her out of my life and that of your childrens.

She has never been a decent mother to you anyway and she has not been a nice grandmother to your children either. She has bought their affections.

This is from Lighthouse.org

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate firsthand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different.

tinypumpkin Sun 19-May-13 16:15:05

I am truly sorry for the loss of your DS.. From someone who has also lost a DC (in very different circumstances) I would find that impossible to forgive right now.

I would give it some time and then reconsider. I would not be making contact personally nor allowing contact with DM and DC but that is just my opinion. Even if I did reconsider I would expect a full apology and also for DM to explain that she was wrong to DD etc.

So sorry that you are having to go through this, you have truly been through enough with losing your DS as it is.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-May-13 16:16:38

There is no justification on your mother's part for her words and actions.

The car accident was clearly not your fault and you still live with the horrors of that to this day.

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 19-May-13 16:18:49

I guess it could be that she was so scared she nearly lost you and did in fact lose dgc that her fear and anxiety made her lose all reason and behave like a total lunatic to ur poor dd.

She should apologise to dd properly. She should apologise to you. Some time needs to happen before contact is resumed on your terms.

I don't think you were unreasonable to practice driving to a safe destination. I cannot imagine how this has been. I honestly have no words to describe my sorrow for what your family went through.

Wishiwasanheiress Sun 19-May-13 16:21:16

Attila, that's well phrased. Definition of insanity I suppose, trying and trying expecting a different result but always being disappointed..... sad

pretenditsnotme Sun 19-May-13 16:28:12

My DD knows that their was a car accident and her brother went to heaven. She had some injuries so which meant she was in plaster for the few months afterwards we have pictures of that which she has seen. There is also a picture of her brother so she a nd my other DCs can see what he looked like and we have been to see his grave and left him flowers on his birthday. However I don't think she had ever considered that it could of been my fault or that I could be dangerous etc so she is upset and we will talk about it with her again tonight.

buzzgirly Sun 19-May-13 16:30:09

I am so sorry for the loss of your ds. I can't imagine how hard that must be. You need supportive people in your life, you're mother is not one of them. She sounds truly awful, cut all ties. What she has said to you today is truly unforgivable.

Hope you're ok xx

CalamityKate Sun 19-May-13 16:31:40

I would never, ever have any contact with her again and neither would my children.

Totally unforgivable.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

perplexedpirate Sun 19-May-13 16:39:10

Oh OP! sad
Do you have to speak with your Mother tonight? Could you not go to ground for a while and have a think about what you want to happen?
Personally, I don't think I could speak to her again but you need to work things through on your terms and in your own time frame.
I'm so very for your loss. thanks

pretenditsnotme Sun 19-May-13 16:58:38

I don't have to speak to my mum tonight I am worried that if I don't answer the phone she will end up coming to the house.

perplexedpirate Sun 19-May-13 17:16:17

Draw curtains, lock door, pretend you are out. Maybe move your car so it looks like you're not in. A faff, and you shouldn't have to but it might buy you a bit of peace.
Put her out of your mind for a bit.
I'd get a massive cake and watch a film in bed with DCs, I imagine all of you could use a cuddle and some empty calories!

CalamityKate Sun 19-May-13 17:17:32

Then answer the phone and say "I have nothing to say to you. Our relationship is over. As is that of you and my children. Do not contact me again".

If she turns up, don't answer the door.

LtEveDallas Sun 19-May-13 17:28:59

Pretenditsnotme. I'm so very sorry my love, both for the loss of your DS and your bloody awful mum.

TBH, even if the accident had have been your 'fault', your mother had no right to say ANYTHING to your DD. This is NOT your mothers business, this is NOT something any decent person would do or say.

I would NEVER be able to forgive my mother if she did something so awful. You may have to speak to her tonight I think, but make sure she fully understands that she has crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed - forgiveness doesn't count in this instance.

SauceForTheGander Sun 19-May-13 17:35:46

I am sorry for you awful loss.

Your mother has behaved very badly. Has she given any indication that she's blamed you for the last 8 years? Awful.

You and your DH must make it clear to her that she has behaved appallingly both towards you and to your DCs.

You live so close to each other; how will your DCs handle not seeing her in future? Would your DH support this?

You've been treated terribly. You did not deserve that OP.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 19-May-13 17:35:56

Oh my goodness. This is one of the most upsetting things I have read on here.

My utmost sympathy goes out to you.

I think that you need time to process this. I wouldn't agree to talk to her until you know exactly what you want to say, and what it is that you want to do.

If she comes to the house, tell her you don't want to talk to her.

Maybe get down what you want to say in a letter first of all so it's out of your head, but don' send it, then try an put it out of your mind tonight.

I think this might be unforgiveable, but I'm not you

Badvoc Sun 19-May-13 17:38:41

What she said was unforgivable.
Please check out the stately homes thread on here.
They will help you see who behaviour for what it is..something that isn't your fault and that you cannot control
X

forgetmenots Sun 19-May-13 17:44:11

You don't have to answer the phone or the door, remember that.

I am so, so sorry about the loss of your DS. In my book what your mum has done is pretty unforgivable, bad enough to say these things to you, but to your dd? No way.

pictish Sun 19-May-13 17:46:44

You have my utmost sympathy OP. Your mother was horrible to you today, and her conduct was unforgivable.

I am so sorry for your loss. Truly I am.

pretenditsnotme Sun 19-May-13 17:49:52

She has never said that she blames me before. I thought she did at first but I put that down to grief and me blaming myself.

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