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Can anyone recommend an anger management counsellor in central London pls?

(15 Posts)
AuntLucyInPeru Sun 19-May-13 15:13:42

Following on from my earlier thread today: I need to try and persuade my DH to try some anger counselling. Does anyone have a counsellor in central London they could recommend pls?

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-May-13 15:27:05

Think you are onto a losing battle here as he likely thinks he does not have any sort of problem. Persuading him therefore to have any AM counselling is both a waste of effort and time.

Does your H get as angry at other people as he does at you or is his anger primarily taken out on you?. That's a thorny question you need to ask yourself.

I would argue that in your circs he can control his anger around other people so it is not an anger management issue. It is instead a power and control issue; your H wants absolute over you. Being angry at you gives him what he wants - his own way all the time.

Your children are learning from all this as well; is this really what you as their mother want to be teaching them about relationships because if so you are also imparting damaging lessons to them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-May-13 15:31:55

Also you need to understand more about AM:-

1.Anger management techniques require the angry person to identify the source of their anger, then take steps to de-escalate the anger provoking situation. Batterers may wrongfully identify their victim as being “provoking” when, in fact, it is the abuser’s own frustration caused by his sense of losing control over the victim that pushes his buttons. (Note: during couples' counseling, the counselor would then ask the victim how she could end her "provoking" actions - in essence, to stop being herself and become more like the abuser!)

2.anger-management/anger control techniques to not take into consideration the “premeditated system of debilitating control” that occurs before the abuser shows his temper. Abusers weave a web of psychological torment around their victims before wrapping it up with a scary show of abusive anger. The abuser’s anger is a tool, not a true emotion, brought out after psychologically abusing the victim to the point of deep, consuming fear.

3.anger control techniques can cause an abuser to further withdraw into denial of responsibility for the abuse in the relationship. In order for real change to occur, the abuser must accept responsibility for abusing. The misuse of anger can become another “reason” why the abuser abuses, much like substance abuse or a rotten childhood. (Baby, please forgive me! You know I have an anger issue).

4.anger control techniques can be easily exercised and exhibited (especially for abusers who may have no “true” anger problem anyway) to the victim, further endangering the victim. The victim may be lulled into a false sense of security and return to the abuser who, at this point, expects some congratulatory behavior for learning some new parlor tricks. Unable to control the victim’s response, the abuser could turn violent quickly in an effort to re-exert the control he thinks he’s entitled to in the relationship.

5.anger control techniques give judges and the community at large the sense that something is being done to end domestic violence. When the victim reappears in court showing no bruises or breaks, the judge can “believe their eyes” and decide the abuser has successfully met the conditions imposed on him. Case closed. Community leaders who refer batterers to anger management classes can believe they’ve done their part for the same “obvious” reasons. The false sense of security severely denies the existence of abuse without battery.

6.anger control techniques do not force abusers to change the root cause for abuse, which is their unrelenting effort to control the thoughts, feelings and actions of another human being.

Abusers are not like “normal” people. Although there is no mental disorder ascribed to chronically abusive people, do not make the mistake of believing an abuser’s thought process is the same as yours.

ColinCaterpillar Sun 19-May-13 15:33:52

Just a bit of handholding. I sincerely wish you the best with this but also think unless he agrees he has a problem, you'll be on a hiding to nothing. I've also been doing some reading about abuse and anger management and came across the quote 'teaching some people anger management is like saying Pavarotti needs singing lessons' because some know perfectly well how to manage it and choose to act angry as their tool.

But I really do hope you will be ok.

AuntLucyInPeru Sun 19-May-13 15:34:38

So do we do relationship counselling then? Because the anger is prob 75% at me, 25% at others. But always at people he thinks are 'below' him, so power is absolutely an issue here.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-May-13 15:41:04

No to joint relationship counselling either because even if he did attend (unlikely) he will use those sessions as a further verbal stick to beat you with. This is not about AM, it is about power and control.

I would recommend you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Joint counselling also is NEVER recommended when there is ongoing abuse present.

AuntLucyInPeru Sun 19-May-13 15:42:14

Thanks Atila. I am really upset about this and don't have anyone I can speak to IRL.

ColinCaterpillar Sun 19-May-13 15:46:37

Was just about to say read Lundy

Have you been on the emotional abuse thread? I appreciate you must be upset and it might be a useful space to chat.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 19-May-13 15:48:21

I would also suggest you talk to Womens aid if you feel you have no-one to talk to in your own circle. They are very helpful and could advise you further. Also all calls to them are confidential.

Counselling solely for your own self would be helpful; you need to talk in a safe environment and without him in tow (cannot stress that point enough).

You cannot go on like this, your children are picking up on all this and learning from it. You may well not want to end your marriage today but you need to certainly consider whether there is actually any mileage or future left in it.

Where do you see yourself in say a year's time?.

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain Sun 19-May-13 15:49:53

I have read your other threads too. I also think counselling is not the right plan.

I honestly don't understand why you want to stay in this relationship though? It sounds like you want to 'fix him' but he doesn't agree that he needs fixing, and only he could do it anyway.

AuntLucyInPeru Sun 19-May-13 15:53:45

Annoying that Lundy isn't available on Kindle. You'd think they'd realise that someone who is on eggshells in a difficult relationship would not want a trigger hard-copy book around the place!

ColinCaterpillar Sun 19-May-13 16:49:02

I know aunt there's no book needed on kindle quite like that one is

Scarletohello Sun 19-May-13 22:30:17

I haven't read your previous threads but in London there is an organisation called BAAM, run by Mike Fisher and they run weekend anger management courses. There were a few guys on the course I attended who realised they had issues with their anger and were taking it out on their partners, the course really helped them but they did really want to change. Abuse however, is a different thing....

BlackeyedSusan Sun 19-May-13 23:10:25

you need to namechange, change your password and not use your husband's phone to post anymore.

BlackeyedSusan Sun 19-May-13 23:14:39

oh and really think about everything attilla said.

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