Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Should I: A) end it now, B) cautiously wait and see, or C) let go of my worries and ride the possibilities?

(15 Posts)
indigosunset Sun 19-May-13 14:34:11

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I've found myself in a long-distance relationship. It wasn't really planned at all, but so far I'm enjoying it. We've been seeing each other for about four months, 'official' for two. (I'll call him.. D). He's a lovely guy from what I've seen and I do feel cautiously hopeful that there may be something special about him, worth me taking the time to really get to know him.

I've done long-distance before and hated it passionately. But I think my life overall is happier now and there's less emphasis in my mind on using the distraction of the LDR to fill the unhappy gaps (I realised, in the past this only served to make me unhappier). It hasn't been as awful as I feared, but I still find myself wishing for D to be able to just 'pop over' of an evening, or to be able to plan something spontaneous to do on a weekend - that hasn't required a week to plan travel and find someone to look after my cats, etc.

However, I did tell myself after my ex NOT to get into something like this, as it really isn't what I want for my life right now. I've had enough of moving around, restarting over again in a new place. But if I ever want things with D to be more than long-distance, one of us would have to do just that one day.

D is soon to be interviewing for jobs that will mean he's contracted to stay in his city for at least a year. There's a kind of invisible deadline in my mind that after the summer, I will have to decide - am I prepared for this relationship to definitely be only a LDR, for at least a year and with no guarantees after that either?

I some thinking to do.. because I can see that in the coming months I'll have to make what could end up being a painful and difficult decision. If I prepare for it now, maybe it won't be as painful as I fear?

So, do I:

A) End it now. Before I get too emotionally attached and begin imagining a shared future - self preservation

B) Remain as I am - cautiously wait and see, while enjoying the time we do get - but keeping emotions in check and being realistic about the possible outcomes for the future.

C) Stop worrying, enjoy the relationship and see where things end up? (I think this has the possibility of being the most painful option - I find myself really really liking D and have to continually pop my bubble of optimism with a cold dose of reality - the fact that neither of us seem to want to relocate)

BreasticlesNTesticles Sun 19-May-13 21:03:56


There may be a secret option d) depending on distance. How far away is he?

piratecat Sun 19-May-13 21:13:55

maybe you should talk to him about where he sees your relationship going?

indigosunset Sun 19-May-13 22:16:08

I think the secret option D) is there at the back of my mind, as a follow-up to waiting to see how things turn out after the summer..

We live a four and a half hour train journey apart, and have so far managed to set up weekends together every two to three weeks. But it is fairly expensive to do this and I don't think I could sustain my half of travelling at this rate for a year.

Pirate, we've touched on the topic on a couple of occasions but I never really came out of those conversations feeling much clearer. It seems far too early for me to ask him seriously if he would consider moving here, so I haven't actually outright asked that question yet..

indigosunset Mon 27-May-13 00:28:16

Would it be too soon to talk seriously to him about how I'm feeling? For me, it feels like the issue is building as time passes. I have broached the subject of this being a long distance relationship and how that wasn't something I had intended to get into, but I tried to keep the tone light and not too serious.

He's optimistic about next year and says once he has a car it should be easier to see each other. I feel far less optimistic if I'm honest. Driving the distance will cost more than trains, even though it cuts down on travel time.

Anyhow, we managed to fit a bit of time together this weekend due to him being in my city to meet with family for a wedding. (I was invited but decided that it would probably be too much, too soon, as I have only met his mum so far and have also never attended a wedding as an adult, let alone as the girlfriend of the bride's brother!) We had a really great time (and made the most of the little time that was) and I was sad to see him head back home today.

Every time we part I feel a little less able to let go. This is only likely to get harder to do as time passes sad

indigosunset Mon 27-May-13 00:29:39

(Sorry I should add, "next year" in our terms actually means.. after the summer - talking in teacher-speak for a second as that's how it will work, really..)

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 27-May-13 00:33:20

Too soon to tell him what?confused

suburbophobe Mon 27-May-13 00:37:40

Well the fact that he invited you to a family wedding speaks volumes I think.

Maybe just go with the flow?

If it's after the summer instead of next year that's a positive already.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 27-May-13 00:40:32

Get a hobby. You've only been seeing this man for a couple of months; you've not really had enough time to decide if you like each other that much. If you had something to occupy more of your time you wouldn't be making yourself miserable by obsessing over Where This Relationship Is Going and would be able to just enjoy it.

indigosunset Mon 27-May-13 00:43:38

I haven't been too clear have I? Sorry! confused

I guess it's the fact that I don't want to imagine myself moving in order to move our relationship forwards in the future. ...That sounds very selfish of me when I say it.

And that I'm having serious doubts about whether I want or can handle another long distance relationship. I seriously don't know if I want the next year to be full of waiting weeks to see each other and then having only the intense weekends where we stay 24/7 with each other as a base to decide whether I want to be with him.

I'm very wary of the fact that I may only be seeing the best of him at these times, and due to visits being spaced so far apart it could easily hit a year of this without me really knowing what he's like.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 27-May-13 00:49:17

So you want to tell him that you are having conflicting thoughts about continuing? What outcome are you hoping to get from this discussion?

indigosunset Mon 27-May-13 00:57:10

I did take the wedding invite as a positive and although I declined I was pleased that I'd been invited smile. We also have a holiday planned travelling Europe in July (which was already his plan since last year, I was invited before we were an item and he also invited another friend of his that he's known for many years), so another reason to wait and see how things go after the summer?

sgb, together for 3 months almost but seeing each other/getting closer since the start of this year, but I do get what you're saying about things being very early stages.
I didn't say that I was miserable, just concerned about where things may end up and how to plan for the different ways that things could pan out.
I love my job and put lots of my mental energy and even time at home working on projects for my job. I have friends that I see frequently and hobbies that I enjoy. He isn't the be-all and end-all in my life my a long shot smile

indigosunset Mon 27-May-13 01:01:59

Dione, I guess I want to let him know that I don't know if I can do this. It would seem unfair of me to pretend that I'm perfectly happy with the way things are and then drop it on him after the summer that it's not what I want.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 27-May-13 01:08:32

I think that it is more unfair to tell him you are confused, what is he supposed to do with such information?confused

You seem to be massively overthinking this. It's very early days. Can you not just enjoy it for what it is and if you decide that you don't want to do it anymore, just end it? Not all relationships have to be long term. Short and sweet can be good as long as you don't make promises.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Mon 27-May-13 01:16:51

If you have this many doubts this early in the relationship, and his views are also vague, cut your losses.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: