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Please help...I found out this morning my husband has been having an affair

(184 Posts)
mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:12:44

I can't really believe I am typing this. I am utterly heartbroken and in a sense of shock.
I found texts on his phone. I feel so stupid, the signs were all there but I love and trust him so much I just didn't read them. We haven't really been getting on well for the past few months, now I see why. I thought it was a rough patch, God what a bloody fool I am.

We've been together 16 years! I've known him my whole life, we have such history together. Now it feels like none of that seems to count for anything.
I have two beautiful dd's and I feel distraught for them. This is not what I wanted for them, their lives are going to be ripped apart.
Am bewildered, what do I do now?
He's left to stay at his mums for time being. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. Do you ever get over something like this? Where do you even start to clear up the mess?
I feel completely humiliated and sick
Sorry for the ramble but my head and heart are all over the place.

Lizzabadger Sun 19-May-13 14:14:58

I'm so sorry. Do you have real-life support? It's good that he has left for a while so you can have some space to process the shock and think about what you want to do.

PrincessScrumpy Sun 19-May-13 14:21:11

First step, keep breathing. What was his reaction to you finding out? Did he confess? Is it over? Does he want forgiveness? They would be my first questions.
Sit down and write a list of questions. Once you have some answers you can begin to work out how you feel.
A friend of mine told her h to move out for 6 months. He was still committed to her so not allowed to sleep with anyone else but she needed space. For 3 months he saw dc but very little conversation between the couple. After 3 months she said they could start dating and he had to woo her back and rebuild the relationship life starting from new. That was 10 years ago and they're still together, but she does worry he'll cheat again but has accepted its a risk she'll take.
You will find what works for you but don't rush anything. Big hug xx

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:21:22

My sisters have just left. My mum has my girls, I don't want them to see me like this.
But what tomorrow holds who knows. Have an extremely busy week at work but can't even think of that at moment. Cant imagine even leaving house. I feel so sick and shaky.
I want to keep things normal. But what do I say when they ask where daddy is. They are 10 and 8.

Am so torn. I think this is going to break me.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:27:26

He says it has been going on since January. The text banter between them was really intimate and laced with 'in' jokes. In one he told her he loved her so so much. Another that he missed her. The last one sent from 8.15 this morning, saying he was in for a shit day. Little did he know how shit...

Apparently they haven't had sex. We have slept together once in 7 months and he's never really had the highest sex drive so I don't know what to think.

Actually whether they've had sex or not is not really the issue for me. The loving texts and relationship he seems to have formed is what is hurting me the most.

He was very remorseful and didn't argue back like he usually does. Has sent me a text to say how deeply sorry he is. He's broken what we've had and I don't know where to start picking up pieces.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:27:54

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been through it, too, and remember all too well feeling as though I'd been hit by a bus. I don't think I'd ever really understood shock as a physical thing before then.

How long has it been going on? Is it someone you know? Does he want to be with her? (Sorry for that last question.)

I agree with Lizzabadger that it's good that he's left for a while at least. It's too hard to think straight when they're there.

Just a couple of things that I did wrong that might help you:

I forgave far too easily. I couldn't bear to think about it and swept it under the carpet and tried to act as though it was nothing. I was wrong - it was everything.

We had a period of time which was as though I was on drugs - it was so exciting and invigorating and all we did was have sex all the time. I didn't realise this was called hysterical bonding and is really common. I think, for me, it was a matter of putting my mark on him, of trying to negate his memories of her. Be very careful about this stage as it's where you persuade yourself that everything is actually really good. When you crash later, he won't understand why you're still bringing it up, when you've been getting on so well.

I didn't ask for time apart. I felt everything would crash down if I did, but it had crashed anyway. I think I was terrified he'd be with her if I told him to go - the truth is that if he goes to her it just hurries up the process; he would've gone to her anyway.

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself as though you've had an accident. The shock is truly awful. Only tell people who will be good to you.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:28:58

Please, don't believe him when he says they haven't had sex. Please don't.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:33:42

You're right I am in shock deep shock. I feel sick and cant stop shaking. I look like I've aged 10 years in a few hours. My heart is racing like crazy.

I don't think he wants to be with her.
Please help me list some questions, I haven't got the most clarity at the moment...

How far (sexually) has it gone?
What does she know about me and the girls?
Will it be over now?
Where did he see it going?
Who said I love you first?

God I could actually kill him for doing this...that's normal, am I right???

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 19-May-13 14:34:02

I'm so sorry sad I second everything Imperial has said. Take your time, and be careful of hysterical bonding. It has its place in the healing process, but be very aware that that is what is happening.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:37:08

He said he was in for a shit day? How was that day to be spent - just with you and your children? What a fucking nerve.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:38:32

I am not sure I even want him in the same house as me right now let alone any 'bonding'.
Its never going to be the same again. I wonder if its better to call it quits now and save us heartache in the long term. But my lovely girls will be heartbroken, how can I do that to them???
If I fight for this marriage, what exactly am I fighting for?

I feel so deeply confused and so many emotions. I know I'm not making much sense but it is helping to write it down.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:39:28

With his mother too but yeah that really fucking stung.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:40:19

Imperial, are you still with your husband?

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:41:18

I just wouldn't accept that a relationship that's gone on for six months hasn't involved sex. I just wouldn't.

Please don't ask him whether it's over. That is as much down to you as to him and don't ever let him forget that.

As far as asking who said they loved each other first - be very careful. Some men will think you're simply interested and will tell you all about it - thereby breaking you in even more pieces - and others won't tell you anything, leaving you to make it up in your own mind. Do you really want to know the answer to that question?

One thing that happened to me was that I felt I didn't know my own history any more. I had thought I was living one life when actually I was living another. Do you know what I mean? It's as though my life had been a film with me doing whatever I was doing and the audience knowing that I was completely deluded. He and she were the audience. It was unbearable and I still find that a real struggle (his affair lasted years.)

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:43:39

No, mrscraig. I was with him from 17-40 and he was unfaithful throughout, though we did get along very well and I did have to kick him out. When I found out about the last one, I remember cringing, waiting for the body blow and it didn't come. I realised it didn't come because there was no connection between us any more. It was as though my body had realised it was over before my mind did, if that makes sense.

Now, I wouldn't forgive, ever. If someone who is supposed to love you and care for you can do that to you, then they are not the person you thought they were. I know others have different experiences but that was mine.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 14:44:18

I think everything you've said is normal and natural. And I know that you feel stupid, and I understand why, but really don't beat yourself up about that. It wasn't stupid to share your life lovingly and trustingly.

ImperialBlether Sun 19-May-13 14:45:03

You are not doing anything to your children. He is. Please don't think that if you decide to kick him out that you're the one destroying the family. He is and he has to accept that.

WakeyCakey Sun 19-May-13 14:45:45

I hope you're ok mrscraig!
Take everything nice and slowly and concentrate on what's best for you and the girls!
Does his mum know what's happened?

Have you eaten? I found before that I couldn't eat and felt physically sick but its obviously so important that you stay healthy.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:46:12

Yes that's gone through my mind. I feel so humiliated. I should have listened to my instincts, He made me distrust those.

I really thought he was different. We've pretty much grown up together. I thought I knew him better than anyone. I trusted him with my life.

I feel like a prize idiot.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 14:46:27

It would depend upon what he wanted, whether I could even contemplate not breaking up with him.

Vivacia Sun 19-May-13 14:47:36

"I feel like a prize idiot."

What's happened in the last six months doesn't negate the years and years that your relationship worked.

lemonstartree Sun 19-May-13 14:47:50

This mush be so hard. Don't make any decisions today, give yourself some space and a chance to think

Ultimtely your daughters will be fine whatever you do, as long as its honest

Be very very gentle with yourself

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:49:29

Thank you so much everyone, it means so much that you understand how I feel.

I can't even think about eating. I doubt his mum knows. They have a very emotionally distant relationship. I was quite surprised he went there initially. But now think he's too ashamed to go anywhere else.
His friends would be disgusted at him and probably as shocked as me.

mrscraig Sun 19-May-13 14:49:30

Thank you so much everyone, it means so much that you understand how I feel.

I can't even think about eating. I doubt his mum knows. They have a very emotionally distant relationship. I was quite surprised he went there initially. But now think he's too ashamed to go anywhere else.
His friends would be disgusted at him and probably as shocked as me.

Badvoc Sun 19-May-13 14:50:09

I think it's pretty likely they have slept together op, I am sorry.
Thing is, he has lied about so much, how on earth can you believe anything else he ever says?
The comment about how he was in for a shit day with You and his children is beneath contempt.

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