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I'm getting the impression that DP's son hates me -am I kidding myself in thinking it doesn't matter?

(27 Posts)
5oClockInTheMorning Sun 19-May-13 13:20:15

So DP and I are in the process of buying our first house together. We're very excited, a bit nervous, big step, lots of expense but happy that we're doing the right thing.

I have 2 kids who live with me (so obviously will be living with us in the new house) and DP has two kids who will be sleeping over every Saturday night. Eldest is approaching 18 and youngest is 16 (with a much younger mental age due to autism). I've always felt that I didn't get much time to get to know his kids before we all move in together, I've met them a few times and we've done a few things together but I still don't feel like I know them. DP said as they were older teens it wasn't a problem - basically he only gets them once a week and wants them to himself so never arranged for us to do stuff together very often. He never said this but I worked it out. Now, the eldest is worrying me.

First time we met he was a little stand offish - I tried to make conversation and whilst he was polite, it was like trying to get blood out of a stone. Youngest was great, love him to bits - the one I was worrying about ended up being the easiest to get along with. I talked to DP, he said all this was normal - his eldest is quiet and moody with everyone and youngest either hates people of loves them instantly - thankfully it was the latter in my case.

Second time I met eldest I went with DP to pick him up for a gig - he didn't say a word to me for the entire two hour drive. I tried being friendly without being pushy - got nowhere but lads girlfriend was also in the car so I put it down to that.

Third time we all went to cinema. Again the eldest avoided me at all costs, sat as far away from me as possible (could have been just the way the seating worked out but I'm starting to get paranoid) and didn't speak a word to me the entire night. Afterwards in the carpark, DP pushed him to say goodbye to me and he walked off and said "cya" without even looking at me. Again, youngest was great, chatty and friendly.

Just now, DP pulled up outside my house with his kids in the car to pick something up. Kids waited in car. DP said to me "the kids are in the car, give them a wave" so I went outside, waved and youngest waved back very enthusiastically whilst eldest seemed to almost roll his eyes, flung his arm in the air in a forced wave and instantly went back to his texting. DP laughed, gave me a kiss and then left.

Now, DP either doesn't see what is happening here or see's it and doesn't want to mention it because he keeps telling me the kids are fine with me and he's glad everyone is getting on great!! Now the lad is 18, to be honest it's not the end of the world if we don't end up being best mates but am I kidding myself in thinking it won't be a problem when we move? Every saturday night I'm going to feel that tension there arn't I? I mean yeah - I can get out of the way as much as possible, let them have their blokes time on a saturday night but is it really not going to be a problem?

I'm nothing to do with their parents splitting btw, he was divorced two years before we even met.

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:25:09

i think if he's going to be in your home then yes it does matter and i would strongly recommend putting moving intogether on hold until this has been sorted one way or another. i couldn't have someone in my home wo was so openly hostile towards me. dont move in with DP until it has been sorted. somehow. this might mean not moving in together until DSS is no longer staying over.

5oClockInTheMorning Sun 19-May-13 13:28:49

I can't put off moving now, contracts signed and everything is done.

I'm surprised your moving in together yet you've only met his dc a handful of times... That seems very odd to me.

JumpingJackSprat Sun 19-May-13 13:35:37

I think this needs sorting one way or the other... Your dp needs to talk to his adult son and see what the problem is. i would not be vacating my home every saturday so that his ignorant son can come over. you presumably gave him no reason to dislike you and if you go out when he is there he will never get to know you. You might also find it useful to post in step parenting forum.

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:36:00

well that was silly! why on earth did you do that before taking this out with DP?

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:36:57


ElectricSheep Sun 19-May-13 13:43:43

Yes, absolutely mad to be moving in together when one member of the family is so obviously distressed and upset about your presence.

It's very likely to be a case of divided loyalties - feeling disloyal to his mum if he gets on with you. Or worried about sharing a dad he only sees one day a week anyway. (Although it's also possible he just doesn't like you, afterall you've shown no interest in or concern for how he is feeling, poor lad).

His so called dad needs to act like a responsible parent and actually try to help his son come to terms with and feel better about the headlong rush to blend the families.

Good luck, you're going to need it sad

5oClockInTheMorning Sun 19-May-13 13:45:15

I tried talking to him but he swore everything was fine and that his eldest is just generally "moody" and that he's like it with everyone - he assured me that there was no bad feeling there at all and I was just being paranoid so I believed him, afterall - he'd not want me moving in with him if his son wasn't happy, surely?

But it's never been so obvious as it was today. The way he waved, I swear he either rolled his eyes at the sight of me or wanted to. Too far away to see but the body language was awful. I've not done a thing to deserve this, all I've ever done is go out of my way to make sure his lads are accomodated for when we move. We even went for a 4 bed detached house so that his lads could have their own room when they stay. Costing is a fucking fortune and it was only for his lads that we did that. We could have saved thousands if we'd gone for a 3 bed. I can't think of a reason he would hate me other than maybe he assumed his parents would get back together one day but he's 18 - surely old enough to understand that shit happens sometimes?!

badguider Sun 19-May-13 13:46:44

Your DP says he's like that with everybody - is there any reason you have to not believe that. I've met plenty of 18yr old lads who won't say a word to an adult... they're sullen and moody with everybody and just need a bit of time to grow up.

5oClockInTheMorning Sun 19-May-13 13:46:57

Sheep I've shown nothing BUT concern. Over and over again I've pushed at his father to involve me more, let me get to know the lads, make sure the new house is suitable for his lads as well as everyone else, asked how his lads want their room decorated, saved up thousands to take them to America next year - I honestly don't think this is my fault. I have tried.

badguider Sun 19-May-13 13:47:54

sorry x-posts.

but i don't understand why you don't believe your DP that it's not you but his eldest son's hopefully temporary personality?

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:49:33

"he'd not want me moving in with him if his son wasn't happy, surely?"

i think you're being naive. thread after thread on MN proves that lots of people are quite happy to put their DC's feelings third to the convenience of sex on tap and saving money on rent and bills. sad

but anyway- you've done it now. so unless you want to go back on the contract and lose the house you need to ALL sit down together and talk this out (you DP and DSS). it needs sorted. you cant go on like this. even if he doesn't stay over he will be in your life for as long as you nad DP are together.

ElectricSheep Sun 19-May-13 13:50:08

Well I meant that if you were genuinely concerned you would not be arranging a move that is so obviously not what one of the family involved wants.

You and your partner should have resolved this before storming ahead. Doesn't say much for your partner as a father does it?

HollyBerryBush Sun 19-May-13 13:50:15

At nearly 18 I'm amazed he's not off out with his mates rather than playing happy families. I can't think I would have been too pleased at 18 with an interloper trying to befriend me - because that's how he sees you.

Of course it all may depend on why his parents split up. Are you perceived as the OW?

5oClockInTheMorning Sun 19-May-13 13:50:56

bagguider - I suppose it could genuinely be his personality but when you're in a car full of people and you're the only one the lad won't talk to it does make for a little paranoia. Ok so one is his girlfriend and the other his father - I'm nobody to him, I get that but I can't explain it - it's the body language more than anything.

5oClockInTheMorning Sun 19-May-13 13:52:44

I can't see why he'd see me as the OW - his parents were split 3 years and divorced for two before dp and I even knew each other existed.

HollyBerryBush Sun 19-May-13 13:53:46

OW as in you spoilt the dream of his parents reconciling.

ElectricSheep Sun 19-May-13 13:54:59

Are you absolutely sure of that OP? Sure that they split so long ago? Have you seen written proof? I only ask because this was something my X lied about in order to push things along fast.

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:56:22

was his dad with anyone else between the divorce and you? did teh teen act teh same with other girlfriends or are you the first one?

Booyhoo Sun 19-May-13 13:57:32

anyway. we cant answer these questions for you as we aren't the teen. you need to talk to him tbh. only he cant help sort this as he is teh one with the issue it seems so you need to ask him what's going on.

CalamityKate Sun 19-May-13 13:59:18

Frankly even if this lad IS sullen and grumpy with everyone then your DP needs to have a word about rudeness.

The waving thing for example: your DP thought it was funny apparently. It's not. Whether that behaviour is specifically aimed at you or not its bloody rude.

This is not an awkward 13/14 year old we are talking about. At 18 he should be perfectly capable of being civil and pleasant even if for whatever reason he ISN'T your biggest fan.

You need to sit your DP down and make it clear that whether his DS likes you or not, you do NOT expect, and will not tolerate, rudeness in your home.

If it was someone else being rude to you - a shop assistant or whatever - would your DP be rolling his eyes and laughing indulgently? You'd hope not.

NikkiLaLa Sun 19-May-13 14:07:12

I have a 16 year old SS and he is exactly the same, moody, uncooperative and sometimes downright rude to everyone. I think it could possibly be an age thing and that he is just being a moody teenager. If he were your son you would just be brushing it off as him being a sullen 18 year old boy but because he is your SS you are reading into it too much. You say the 16 year old loves you but that he is also mentally younger so that makes sense. When my SS was 12/13 he was fine and we would laugh together and he was a pleasure to be around, since he turned 15/16 it's like having a different boy in the house. He stays once a week and even his Dad said it's hardly worth him coming over because he doesn't speak to anyone and he locks himself away in his room playing x box!

Ignore everyone telling you that you have made a mistake moving in together because you haven't if that's what you both wanted. If his Dad thought there was a problem then I'm sure he would say something. Maybe the boy is pissed off about you all moving in together but he is an adult and needs to accept it, he will be off soon doing his own thing and won't have any interest in staying over on a Saturday night!

I may sound harsh but I have no tolerance for stroppy teenagers atm, dh also has a 20 year old daughter who has been exactly the same but has now come out the other end and we get on brilliantly! x

NikkiLaLa Sun 19-May-13 14:08:09

Completely agree with everything Kate just said.

cory Sun 19-May-13 14:11:39

Your dh sounds very insouciant about the whole thing. Is it possible that the 18yo is actually projecting on you the anger he doesn't dare to take out on his father?

Have recently watched something similar in my own family: father who blithely moved on to full-on open relationship, new family with hardly any notice at all, son shell-shocked but clearly thinking at the back of his mind that he couldn't afford his dad to disappear, so ended up being rude to new partner rather than directly to father. It is wrong, of course it is wrong. But motivated by fear.

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