Permission for lunch

[Wuldric]

This isn't a biggy, really it isn't, but I would welcome some Mumsnet perspective.

Every Sunday, I cook lunch. Whoever wants to come is welcome to come. That's always been my attitude. It's generally family, us, grandparents, aunts, or if anyone is staying, then them too.

Today, I made a point of inviting some friends. They are mainly my friends tbh, but still, long-standing friends.

DH has just erupted saying that he doesn't want them to come for lunch and I should have asked his permission before issuing the invitation. I boggled a bit and then countered with, well, your sister comes here virtually every Sunday and I don't mind. The more the merrier as far as I am concerned.

DH has huffed off and I am sure he is about to be rude to our friends. They are lovely, not hard work at all and volunteered a pudding. So who is being unreasonable? Am I or DH?

[MakesCakesWhenStressed]

whilst it might have been nice to run it by him just so he knew there'd be extra guests I would be hopping up and down with the rage if my dh suggested I needed his 'permission' to do anything. What cheek!
yanbu

[Alliwantisaroomsomewhere]

I reckon mentioning it to Dh before going ahead and inviting friends to what is usually a family lunch may have been a better option rather than just inviting them. If it were us, I would have mentioned it before doing it and I suppose my Dh would have done the same.

Your Dh would be very unreasonable to make a huge bloody thing about it, though.

[scaevola]

I think it is reasonable to run invitations to the home past other adult inhabitants.

But his reaction sounds out of proportion. Is it a one-off, or does he have a pattern of similar?

[Lweji]

I sort of see his point in that it would have been polite to check with him if ok too, as I would expect the same courtesy from my partner, but no need to erupt or huff off.

What happens with his family? Do they invite themselves, does he tell them to go or do you?

[TurnipCake]

Permission?

Has he been rude to your friends before?

[Lweji]

And why doesn't he want them to come to lunch?
Unless there is a good reason, he's definitely being unreasonable (I know it's not AIBU) in not wanting them there.

[Wuldric]

Well normally I just ask who's coming for lunch on Sunday morning so that I know how many to cook for. If DH doesn't know then I check. But if it's his side of the family I expect him to know.

Sadly, DH is a bit of an old grump and yes, he has on occasion been rude to my friends.

[Ragwort]

I think it is courteous just to check in with the other partner if you are inviting friends over; it sounds as though it is usually open house for 'relatives' rather than friends. My DH has just asked some 'friends' over for the day, I was a little annoyed that he didn't discuss it first, I don't particularly have anything in common with these people and the thought of a whole day together bores me rigid.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

I would have thought it would be polite to discuss who was coming, but not to get permission.

We used to have a grumpy DH quiche a while ago. Maybe we should resurrect it!

[Lweji]

I assume that your family goes to these lunches as well?

Not sure why he'd be so upset. It's not even like he has to be with them the whole time, if other family is there too.

[Jux]

He's being an arse.

Insist that he asks permission when his family and friends come.

[HollyBerryBush]

I see both sides; if one of you is very gregarious and an open house personality - I'm afraid it does get wearying for the other person.

They too are entitled to relax in their own home without a constant stream of visitors, whether related to them or not.


meanwhile - where are you? I'm hungry

[SanityClause]

The OP did discuss who was coming. She said "Oh, by the way, X and Y are coming to lunch."

She is doing the cooking. All he has to do is be polite.

He IBVU!

[BadLad]

That isn't discussing it. That is informing him that X and Y are coming.

[Wuldric]

yy, you're right, that is simply informing him that X&Y are coming. But since that is how I operate, I thought we would be reciprocal.

Anyway, they have just left. DH wasn't rude, as such, although he did disappear into his study at 3pm and has not emerged since.

Okay so I have to remember to run it by him first ...

[Jux]

OK, it was letting him know who was coming and not discussing, but that is how they've been operating since time immemorial. If he wasn't happy with a constant stream of visitors for Sunday lunch then he could tell her before Sunday morning; discuss it like a grown up. "Darling, do you think we could have a Sinday to ourselves every once in a while? It's nice having so many people enjoying your cooking and our company, but I'd quite like some time to ourselves sometimes."

Who invites his family around?

[Jux]

Sinday?! Maybe that's what he has in mind.....

[Wuldric]

Well he invites his family around mostly. Although to be fair, sometimes it is me as well. This is usually because by 10am I am infuriated with him because I don't know how many I am cooking for. There is a big difference between 4 and 12 ...

[Lweji]

It will be interesting if next Sunday you don't ask and you only cook for the ones you know are going (i.e. your side of the family).

Has he ever objected to you inviting his family and not ask his permission to do so?

[Lweji]

And has he ever asked your permission to invite them?

[Wuldric]

haha, you are right. He has never once objected to my inviting his family without permission. And no, he has never once asked me for permission to invite them.

[Numberlock]

As an introvert this would drive me wild, a houseful every single Sunday! Perhaps he's long overdue a week off?

[Wuldric]

Well I dunno. He usually likes Sunday lunch. He likes having his side of the family around in particular.

[Jux]

That's what I thought, Wuldric.

Perhaps you could point this out to him. Perhaps he'll apologise, and explain.