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I'm not even sure where to start

(120 Posts)
catgirl1976 Sun 19-May-13 10:56:53

DH and I have been together about 15 years, married for 5. We have a DS aged 18 months.

About 3 years ago, DH lost his job. Since then he hasn't worked. This had some positives around us having a child as it meant he got to spend a lot of time with him etc. He is an excellent father and adores DS.

However, DH has steadily become more depressed and isolated over the 3 years. He is now at the point where he has no job, no friends, no social life, never goes out, never wants to do anything and his confidence is at rock bottom. His family live 300 miles away and he is not hugely close to any of them.

For a long time I have been trying to get him to go to the GP but he won't. He has a history of depression since childhood. He is clearly depressed. He also drinks way too much.

We have had relationship problems for a while. I work FT. DH doesn't work at all. He looks after DS two days a week whilst I am at work but the other three DS is in childcare or at my mums so he is in the house on his own all day. He doesn't do much in the way of house work at all, or look for jobs, just plays PC games. This has caused on-going issues between us as I am exhausted. I get up with DS 6 days a week and he had been going through a really early waking stage. The split of things has been really unfair and it has been getting on top of me.

This came to a head on Friday night. DH and I had watched a film and shared some wine. I had been up since 6:30am and at work all day. DH get pressuring me to stay up later and later to have some 'time with him'. We eventually went to bed about 1:30am and I was exhausted and knowing I would have to get up with DS.

DS woke about 3am. I tried to wake DH to go and settle him as I was too tired and would have to get up with him in a couple of hours. I couldn't wake DH because he was drunk. I have no excuse for this but I lost the plot and started hitting DH (lying down in bed, sort of flailing at him IYSWIM). DH did wake up, settled DS but we had a huge row and all my built up resentment came out.

The next morning, I got up with DS about 7:30. DH woke up about 9:30 and decided he wanted access to my facebook account. I refused for a bit but the row became intense and DS was there so I gave him my password.

DH went through all my e-mails. I have been in contact with my ex for several years and we keep in touch via e-mail and play Scabble on facebook. DH has know about this and has been ok with it. However, in my e-mails there was (several months ago) a period where my ex and I exchanged a few very emotional emails regarding our break up. (It was messy and I had an abortion). There was no suggestion in these e-mails we wanted to get back together (we don't), but they were emotional and personal. The rest of the e-mails are pretty banal (how's work etc). There is no sexual content in them, although we might have some carry on style banter when playing scrabble (e.g, you came first again? You've not changed etc). Childish and I will admit it is sort of flirty but there is no intent behind it on either side.

The last couple of e-mails between us however have cause an issue. I was in London the other week which is where my ex works. We vaguely made noises about meeting up for a coffee although in the end neither of us could manage it as our schedules clashed. My meeting got moved when I was down there so I e-mailed my ex and said "I could meet you for lunch today". He emails back he couldn't as he had been caught up. End of. He emailed me later that night when he was on his train home asking what I was going to do in London that evening and I replied I hadn't decided and was at a loose end as I was on my own

DH took those to mean we HAD met up. I think he now accepts we didn't but the is still furious that I did not tell him. I said there was nothing to tell him as we didn't meet up. He thinks I should have told him I was planning to (but I wasn't as we already knew we couldn't meet up due to both being too busy). If I had told DH we would have told me I couldn't and it would have caused a huge row, so given we didn't meet I didn't think there was anything to tell.

DH went ballistic and smashed up the house. I had to get my parents to come and take DS to the park. We had a huge row.

We have managed to talk and get to a point where we are talking and DH has agreed to go to the GP on Monday (I had phoned 111 at one point as he was talking about killing himself but he wouldn't speak to them or go to hospital). DH has also agreed to go to relationship counseling. We have both agreed we want to fix things. DH is in a sate and has been sobbing a lot. I am very worried about him. He has changed my facebook log in so he has my password and set it so he gets an email on any activity and this morning I noticed he has been playing Scrabble against my ex on my log in (so pretending to be me) which is just weird.

I am sorry this is so long and I don't even know what I am asking. I want to fix things but I don't know where to start. DH is still furious with me and saying he can't trust me, I feel like he is trying to create an issue to distract from the real problems, but he has agreed to the GP and counselling and also agrees he wants to fix things. He is so depressed though and has been crying saying he's scared he isn't capable of changing or getting better

I really don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice it would be great. Thank you.

BendyBusBuggy Sun 19-May-13 11:02:37

So sorry catgirl. flowers

NoelHeadbands Sun 19-May-13 11:03:04

Oh Catgirl sad I'm sorry

Are you 100% sure that fixing things and staying together is what you want?

catgirl1976 Sun 19-May-13 11:04:09

Thank you both thanks

I am sure. I love DH. I want him back to how he was and I want things to be back to how they were. I'm just scared we can't get there.

BendyBusBuggy Sun 19-May-13 11:05:34

No good advice, but I think wait for the GP appointment on Monday, and he has got to stop the FB think, as you will resent him for it and it might be a difficult one to forgive later on.

BendyBusBuggy Sun 19-May-13 11:06:24


BumpingFuglies Sun 19-May-13 11:06:27

Hi Cat. Have no advice for you but am going through a similar situation regarding the not working/housework/depression issues.

It's a horrible feeling and things have been coming to a head recently in similar ways to what you describe. I've been advised to put myself and my DS first - very difficult I know when you are worried about others.

Have a <hug> and a brew and a hand to hold thanks

ike1 Sun 19-May-13 11:07:55

Well this has been going on for a very long time and if I remember you suffered neumonia a while back be cause you were so run down. You were advised on a previous thread that it was probably best for you to take time out of the relationship unless he made radical changes. That was approx 4 months ago. He has not changed at all. How much time are you going to continue to waste on this situation lovely?

ike1 Sun 19-May-13 11:10:07


catgirl1976 Sun 19-May-13 11:11:57

Thank you

bunmping - I really hope you are ok and it's probably good advice you have been given but I am so worried about DH and 'us' as a unit.

Ike1 - I did get pneumonia just before Christmas and then in Feb I had a bit of a breakdown myself (although work issues were also a factor in that) and ended up on anti-ds and stuff but am a lot better now.

It has been going on a long time.. In a way I am glad it has come to a head as it has to be resolved now but I am so sad and so scared and I do love DH so much. I just don't know how to fix this.

I am hoping the GP app will be a start but I am not sure it will be enough

RandomMess Sun 19-May-13 11:12:03

CatGirl I'm sorry things have detoriated even further but your dh is being completely unreasonable changing your password etc.

I would honestly suggest that he moves out and you discuss the future in counselling.

He hasn't changed even since that row has he - not doing more, just playing scrabble pretending to be you...

DawnOfTheDee Sun 19-May-13 11:12:50

So sorry to hear this Cat.

I sounds like there is no chance of the relationship being fixed if your DP doesn't 'fix' himself first. I think you both need to look at the best way to make that happen...hopefully you've got a good GP who can recommend the best course of action.

GlitteryShitandDanglyBaubles Sun 19-May-13 11:13:44

Absolutely the facebook thing is a red herring, created either conciously or unconciously, I couldn't say. Also I notice when I'm suffering with depression, I tend to focus on what makes me feel the worst - could this be the case with him?

He has to get help - he has zero chance of getting better without it. Can you set a time limit, a reasonable one, unknown to him, by which time if he hasn't sought help and made a step forward (started AD's, cut down or stopped drinking) you need to talk again and reassess.

The drinking will be making the depression much, much worse, and has the potential to become an issue on it's own.

You could be looking at a long hard road to recovery, and you need to know if you can do that? And what if he refuses to try? Look after yourself and focus on making yourself well and able to cope. The lack of sleep alone would be a deal breaker for me, but I'm an evil bitch on less than 8 hours a night!

I feel for you, I have had depression for the past 3 years, at my worst I wasn't capable of much, but I did seek help almost within days of anyone knowing anything was wrong, started AD's, counselling, psychotherapy, changed my diet, and did all that crap that you don't want to do, but does actually help you feel better. At my worst I wasn't capable of much as regards childcare and housework, but that didn't last long, and now, you know what, I manage very well. What I'm saying is, things don't have to be in the state your dh is currently making them.

catgirl1976 Sun 19-May-13 11:14:08

He can't move out as he literally has no where to go and we don't have the money to run two homes. I could move in with my DPs for a bit but I am too scared to leave him on his own and worried he would harm himself. Plus he is just so low I can't do it to him even if it would help us both in the long term.

He has no support and no one to talk to. No friends, no family, nothing. Just me and DS.

LEMisdisappointed Sun 19-May-13 11:14:10

Oh gosh, this is a crap situation. I can see both sides to this though because I am the female version of your DH. I suffer from depression, mostly because i am unemployed and my self esteem is rock bottom, meaning i am insecure. I would go mental if my DP was in contact with his ex, which is double standards actually because i have facebook contacts from scrabble actually who i flirt with - DP knows about it, and is just hmm because he knows its just banter. if it were the other way round i couldnt cope.

I am not defending the smashing up of the house, this was very wrong, but i too have been in rages due to my depression - I am getting help now.

It is brilliant news that he has accepted that he needs help and is going to the GP and maybe the meltdown has made him realise for himself that he needs help. There is help out there and i think he would benefit from counselling and a course of ADs, but that of coures is for him and his doctor to decide. Tell him you will go with him if he wants you do, or just wait outside, or let him go alone - he has to want help so if you force him into it, it wont work.

You did wrong by hitting him, i am sure you know this, but i can sense your frustration, it is so hard living with someone like this me. When you are both calm, could you maybe talk about strategies to avoid the meltdowns and rows? It is not good for your DS.

Why is your DS in childcare three days a week? Being at home with no disstraction is really bad for your DH - i know because i am having to do this now, my DD is at school and being at home all day is making things worse. To be honest, unless he is doing something with that time then i would actually insist that he takes care of DS full time! Maybe it would be good for your DH to do some voluntary work during the time when DS is in nursery?

I really hope he does follow this up and go the the GP, otherwise i think you are going to have to give him some rather harsh reality checks, as in, if the violent outbursts continue then you would have to consider a split, for the sake of your DS. I know this seems unsympathetic because its not his fault he has a Mental Health problem, but he must at least try to get help. He needs to take some level of responsibility for himself. Oh and alcohol + depression = bad! ( i say this but i do use alcohol as a crutch blush) it makes it worse.

I really hope you manage to sort things - he needs to get a job (as do i) but he needs to get his self esteem back on track before he can do this.

catgirl1976 Sun 19-May-13 11:16:24

Glittery - I think you are right he is focusing on the thing that feels worst. Like picking a scab. The lack of sleep is killing me. I can't make DH understand how exhausted I am and how little down time I get.

ike1 Sun 19-May-13 11:17:48

I honestly think that while he has you as an immediate crutch Catgirl he will allow himself to wallow in the shit. Save yourself and your son first Catgirl before he sucks the very life out of you. You can support him of course but from a reasonable distance. This is now a very destructive situation..

catgirl1976 Sun 19-May-13 11:19:14

Thank you LEM

I'm sorry to hear about your issues, they do sound really simialr to DHs.

He does need a job but like you say his confidence is so low he is struggling to even apply for stuff.

I know hitting him was horrific of me. I know having any sort of relationship with someone else (even though it is just a friendship) is going to make him feel more insecure.

I'm really putting everything on to the GP being helpful tomorrow and this being the start of fixing things. It just feels so broken

ike1 Sun 19-May-13 11:20:29

Mental Health problems are not an excuse for violent abusive behaviour dont make that old mistake...

catgirl1976 Sun 19-May-13 11:21:18

I won't. He has never been violent to me and smashing up the house is a very rare event (I think maybe about 5 years ago he broke a bed).

NoelHeadbands Sun 19-May-13 11:23:56

Ay dear... you sound so desperate and unhappy, you can only wish that it's all going to work out for you both okay.

But I've read your previous stuff and I can't help but think that he is abusive, and if this were a RL friend I'd be doing everything I could to try to get you out of it

ike1 Sun 19-May-13 11:23:59

Well this is my opinion you do need to take a break and he does need time to realise that you will not always be there as his crutch an prop. I suspect you will not do this....that's ok,,,,but without this realisation I really dont think he will get up and sort out his shit.

NoelHeadbands Sun 19-May-13 11:25:10

Bollox got my grammar all mixed up there but you get the gist

ike1 Sun 19-May-13 11:25:30

....and I suspect you will be back in four months saying the same thing but his behaiour has escalated further...

RandomMess Sun 19-May-13 11:26:26

I would insist that he stops drinking. If you weren't paying for childcare 3 days per week ypu coul afford a room in a shared house.

I have had severe depressions I few times in the past and I have to say you are enabling him sad

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