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confused :(

(35 Posts)
mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 09:13:18

been on here alot recently. basicly i have finally had enough of being on my own with dcs and doing everything myself while my h works, watches tv or plays at computer. i have had a few conversations with him these last few months before i went to a solicitor, i said i had had enough, said i would not be here for much longer, said i couldnt continue like this, said i would not remain his wife for much longer. he did nothing about any of these chats we had, i withdrew and got on with life with the dcs. i have now started divorce proceedings, he told me last night that he thought i was stressed about other things when i spoke to him before and did not really listen to what i was saying, he did not think i meant what i was saying and was basicly taking out things on our relationship and giving it a good battering because other things were annoying me. this is not true, i have been very unhappy and was trying to talk to him so we could perhaps move on, i was not making anything up. he has not been very happy because he does not get sex, hasn;t done for a few months now because i cant, not when everything else is so wrong, he cant see that either, he sees the physical side as very important and from what i can see as long as he is getting that he sees no problemsad he has withdrawn too now and blames me for that because i apparently push all the wrong buttons and force him into himselfsad( very confused, any advice much appreciated, thank you for reading

Lweji Sun 19-May-13 12:02:31

It looks like he was a token father, in name alone.

Stick to your divorce. If he starts taking some responsibility, then listen to him and see how he behaves.

Unhappy parents don't make a great household.
And your set up sends the wrong message to your children. Including that they are not worth of attention by their father. By staying you are agreeing with this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 12:13:41

OP... yes, you can leave with your children. The usual advice is to stick around if you can keep things amicable but, if not, it doesn't actually harm your case with regard to the marital assets if you choose to go.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 12:16:08

"What forum do yiu think her kids should post onto to discuss the emotional trauma of the break up while op is on here being told how brave she is and slagging men off on puerile dating threads."

No-one is 'slagging off men'. hmm And if you think it's not emotionally traumatic for children to grow up in a home with parents that are desperately unhappy and constantly warring with each other then you're sorely mistaken.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 12:16:38

thank you for all your advice, its not been an easy decision, reallysad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 12:20:18

Please ignore that poster. Of course it's not been an easy decision which is why you're generally being supported here.

NutellaLawson Sun 19-May-13 12:31:53

Why are you refusing to go to counselling? if you feel you aren't being heard, then counselling can help. A (good) counsellor will ensure your DH listens to you and addresses your grievances.

I know you feel beyond fed up at being so badly taken for granted, but counselling might do some good. You do want to give it all you've got before throwing in the towel (which is always an option if counselling didn't work).

I'm shocked at rootin's suggestion to leave the kids with their dad. Really? abandon the kids to an emotionally distant man? Dumbest thing I've heard today.

MadBusLady Sun 19-May-13 12:48:25

OP, please ignore rootin whose solution appears to be you should put out for a man who's currently blaming you for his own failure to listen. hmm

Rootin I can kind of understand the "stop trying to split people up" message on threads where the OP doesn't know what they're going to do about a problem, but this OP has already filed for divorce FFS. Horse, stable door, bolted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 13:08:12

@NutellaLawson... I think, if the OP has already decided to divorce, their heart wouldn't be in counselling and it would be a complete waste of time.

Lweji Sun 19-May-13 13:20:04

He can go to counselling, and if he really wants to keep his marriage, then tell the counselor the truth and what you told him.

I think counselling is good when people have communication problems, and difficulties are mutual. Not particularly when one partner is lazy about the home and ignores both partner and children.
Surely he should listen to his wife about this, not wait to be told by someone else.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Sun 19-May-13 13:33:44

That is my point, I am not asking for anything special, only a bit of help, support, care, consideration and time, that's allsad

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