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ExH has suddenly switched to (aggressive) super-dad mode

84 replies

Hrrrm · 18/05/2013 19:40

Well. This might be long, but it keeps going round my head and is driving me mental, so I really need some help.

Ex and I have been separated for 3 years since I found out he'd been contacting escorts. We're now getting started on the divorce.

Our DD is 4, so will be starting school in September. She lives with me, no overnight stays with her dad for good (imo) reasons. He is now beginning to insist that this will happen soon.

She's been at nursery since she was little, and I sorted all of that - found nursery, did settling in, filled in forms, replied to invitations etc. I told ExH about everything and asked for his input, but he hasn't been that bothered - he went to parents's evening twice, and in total picked DD up/dropped her off about 10 times over the course of several years.

Now school. We went to a 'new parents' meeting the other day, and things are suddenly very different. He's got opinions on name labels, spoke to the teacher about DD being too young to start ft straightaway (I'm not worried and had no idea he was), is insisting that we fill in all forms together. He wants to join the PTA and take part in bake sales (he hasn't baked a cake for about 8 years, whereas I bake regularly and it's kind of 'my thing').

He's insisting on attending 2 of 3 settling in sessions but is not bothered about sports day. He's also suddenly managed to convince his boss to let him drop DD off and pick her up at least once a week (he works ft, I work very flexible pt and have to go past the school to get to work/home). He just decided this, arranged it and then told me rather than talk to me about it first.

Now I don't mind that he wants to be more involved - it'll be great for DD, and I don't see why he shouldn't. But why now?! Why hasn't he bothered with nursery? Why can he rearrange his working hours now, but couldn't in the last couple of years?

He is being very aggressive towards me and I feel as if he's trying to take over DD's life. I know if he has any concerns he will go straight to the teacher and that will be the first I hear of it. I have always talked to him first and then acted, and I think that's how it should be.

I must add that he's extremely angry with me because we wanted different schools for DD. I wanted her to go to this one which has been around for decades and a solid good school. He wanted the new school where I felt really uncomfortable but his boss is head of governors. We argued for ages about which to have as first choice until he gave in 2 days before the deadline.

DD got into my preferred school, and he's now saying he can't trust me because I apparently think I'm the more important parent and have a greater right to make decisions. I don't think that, it's just that when a decision needed to be made at nursery, he shrugged and wasn't bothered.

I have always forwarded all info to him, but he never asked nursery to send it to him directly. He is going to ask the school to send all paperwork to him. I know it's his right and that's fine, but why now and not before?

I'm really confused by this sudden change in attitude and I'm worried I won't get a look in. He knows how to throw his weight around and how to minimise my role. He's not a team person and proud of it - it'll be his way or the highway.

What do I do? I don't want to spend 13 years arguing over decisions as stupid as exactly which name labels to use. I also don't want the school to think that I'm not bothered because he will make himself look like the most caring involved dad who is looking out for his daughter. Even worse, I don't want the school to single DD out as the child with the warring parents who are both rubbish.

Help?!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/05/2013 20:25

As the contact details should be formalised as part of the divorce I think this 'superdad' act, the sudden interest in her schooling plus this rubbish about not being able to trust you is deliberately designed to influence that decision. The timing is too much of a coincidence to be otherwise IMHO. You need to hold firm to whatever it is you have been doing already, change nothing of her schedule and talk to your solicitor.