Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Distinct lack of sex in our relationship

(67 Posts)
LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 19:33:56

Long story short, my man has admitted he would rather have a wank than have sex with me.

I feel degraded. I feel like im nothing more than a skivvy who does his washing, cooks his meals etc.

He wants to have a threesome, I said no and that somethings should stay as a fantasy.

He is refusing to talk about it.

First he said its cos I had to come off the pill due to being allergic to progesterone - put something on the end of it I replied.

Next was I was never up for it and never came on to him - I threw myself at him, jumped him in the shower, caught him on the stairs etc

3rd is he doesn't like condoms - now im getting really pissed off!

4th he requested that I wear dresses and skirts and high heels around the house - I did this along with throwing myself at him still nothing.

On the rare occasion that we do have sex he insists on filming it. No idea why?!

Im getting to the point where I feel like telling him either you do it or you leave.

I've suggested councilling, sex therepy etc he isn't interested

This isn't healthy for a relationship what else can I do?

Lucylloyd13 Sun 19-May-13 09:52:42

Sex in a relationship is so important.

You seem to have gone the extra mile, but he keeps on moving the destination. There comes a point when you have to say"Either you want me, as me, or you don't"

At no stage does he appear to have asked you what YOU like.

Although some of the responses on here have been extreme ( what is wrong with wearing a skirt and high heels indoors?), you have done your best, he hasn't, time to move on I am afraid.

PenelopePortrait Sun 19-May-13 09:54:16

How long have you been with this guy? Do you have any DC's together?

kenickielovesrizzo Sun 19-May-13 10:08:02

im 27 a healthy size 12 with curves in the right places no wobbly bits even tho ds is only a year old. I like football f1 and beer. my mans mates say im the perfect woman

Crikey, i agree with Leavenheath. Sounds like you've stepped straight off the pages of Nuts mag. I would get shut of this jerk and do some work on 'yourself' rather than pandering to the desires of the caveman blokes you appear to be attracting.

TurnipCake Sun 19-May-13 10:08:49

OP you are beneath contempt to your partner.

Do you believe you are worth more than being told you're second to a wank? Do you believe you're worth more than being his skivvy, or the third wheel in a proposed threesome, or having to exhaust yourself by turning into his vision of a 'perfect' woman which, surprise surprise still isn't good enough for him!

No one should be subjected to such cruel behaviour.

Kundry Sun 19-May-13 10:11:33

Well I'm a woman and I'm about 15 years older than you and much much fatter, I don't like beer or football and have made no effort to try to like them and yet my bloke can't keep his hands off me. He also would never suggest a threesome or filming us as he respects me as a person (and knows I would kick him in the nuts then dump him)

I don't mean this to show off about my relationship - I mean it to show that in a true relationship, the things you have listed are not the reasons your man has sex with you. He does it because he loves you (you inside, not superficial appearances) and wants to connect with you.

Yours appears to view you as a sex toy and the quicker you leave and start working on your self confidence the better.

Lucylloyd13 Sun 19-May-13 10:20:59

Sometimes the man who we fell in love with and married is not what he seemed, or changes.

Unlike some others, I see nothing wrong with you dressing to please and sharing interests.

Marriages and relationships do evolve, some draw closer together, some diverge. I am in awe of the efforts you have made. Just be clear with im about what YOU want, and if you don't get it, move on.

simplesusan Sun 19-May-13 10:55:51

Have you told him what YOU want?

What sexual desires you have, how he can turn you on, how he can be "the perfect man."

Tbh I don't have much advice.
He is living out a porn scene.
He cannot please you.
His ex wife sounds very wise. the mind boggles at what he expected her to do sexually if her response was see a whore. What degrading things did he expect of her?

He sounds like the type of man to aviod at all costs.

ALittleStranger Sun 19-May-13 12:13:46

Wholeheartedly second the advice to work on yourself. I like beer, I don't like football, I don't really think any of these things have any bearing on whether someone would want to have sex with me so I don't think to include them when wondering why I'm not getting laid. It does sound like you've tried to turn yourself into the lad's mag ideal, while at the same time your 'D'P is lusting after some porn ideal. It all sounds like a bit of a sorry situation. Time to focus on your needs as real, breathing people, not caricatures.

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 23:55:31

Sure thing sex in a relationship is important.

But so is respect.

OP says she acts like a 'skivvy' to a man who wants to share her with others, either in person or on film. So there's just no respect here, let alone a sex life.

Any poster who thinks the responses here have been 'extreme' really needs to check her own radar about men and relationships.

Yogii Mon 20-May-13 07:16:31

Leaven, wind your neck in. You are doing Op a disservice. Just because she mentioned that she likes some things more commonly associated with men, you've concluded that she's fashioned herself on something from a lads' mag. Get a grip, woman (*avoids the use of girl, knowing what overblown reaction that always causes*)

Op. I'm a man. My guess is that your man is into porn and has a head full of fantasies that he doesn't share with you. His ideal session is bringing vivid pictures of his fantasies into his head and grabbing hold and going for it. That's what porn does.

May I ask, because I think it will provide a clue as to what's in his head, is the proposed 3some with another woman or another man?

Numberlock Mon 20-May-13 07:17:57

Leaven is spot on actually, I think you've just confirmed that.

MadBusLady Mon 20-May-13 07:44:03

Just because she mentioned that she likes some things more commonly associated with men

Yogii, I like beer and F1 and can commentate intelligently on a football match. I just don't see that as being the core of my appeal to my DP. confused They're just things I happen to like, sometimes we do them together, but we do all manner of activities together.

The OP clearly does see those things as being demonstrations that she is a "perfect woman" - that's the important bit, that she thinks she has to demonstrate being a "perfect woman" according to some (slightly strange 1990s) idea of What Men Want, and then everything should be simple. It is IME kind of true that if you set out to meet standards set by knobheads, you will end up with a knobhead.

Yogii Mon 20-May-13 09:12:48

MBL... All she said was that her man's friends had called her the perfect woman because she likes a few things they do.

You have arrived at the conclusion that she sees those things as demonstrating her to be a perfect woman. Uh, no... see para one.

Presumably, like you, she likes other things too.

Her man has put her in a position where she had to come to the Internet strangers for a bit of reassurance (the, I'm 27, no wobblies... beer and F1 post). But she's now said to be aspiring to a 1990s lad mag bird (did they use that in 90s?) in order to demonstrate perfection to a knobhead she's already attracted. Helpful.

I happen to be with Cogito on this, she should find someone who likes her. And definitely somebody who doesn't want her to dress up for an evening out... and then stay in!

AnyFucker Mon 20-May-13 09:27:24

OP, I would give up the man-pleasing cliched behaviour, make sure every single video of you having sex is deleted and run for the hills

This bloke sounds like a prize prick

MadBusLady Mon 20-May-13 09:28:34

Well, I've read the OP's 20.34 post against carefully, Yogii, and I think we'll have to agree to disagree on that. I just don't see how else to interpret it. She asked for a show of hands, and listed some qualities - basically asking us to judge her on those qualities, as her boyfriend's mates clearly have, as she presumably wants her boyfriend to. I'd be pretty shocked if any man, friend or boyfriend, said that things like that made me a "perfect woman". She seems to have taken on board their view though.

I agree she should find someone who likes her.

Leavenheath Mon 20-May-13 10:43:18

It's a bit like a bloke saying

I'm 27, have bulging muscles, like prosecco and love soaps. My woman's pals say I'm the perfect man, so why can't she see that?

While revealing that the woman concerned treats him like a skivvy, will only have sex with him if there's another bloke or a film camera involved and the moment he steps out of the door, knocks herself out on porn all day.

What could possibly be wrong in a relationship like that eh? hmm

LittleBabyLucas Mon 27-May-13 22:55:49

Been away for a bit, internet was down again!!!! Just to be clear... I am the eldest daughter with 3 younger brothers. Cars, footie, rugby etc was always around. Not my fault. I just had 3 younger brothers. I actually do enjoy those things, but I also love my horse riding drinking wine with friends shopping and doing keep fit. Girlie yes? Well I also like "granny" things like bingo, knitting and cross stitch (apologies for any1 else who is "young" and likes those things).
Any way I have spoken to DP Ive told him to get a grip (pref on me!) or get out.
I sent him packing for a few days. WITHOUT his laptop! All vids deleted, after I had to break his password! Ive confiscated his camera with the threat of it going under one of the passing Warrior tanks if he ever thinks about looking for it.
Seems to have done the trick for now.
He wanted a 3 way with a girl. I told him if he wanted a 3 way it was going to be with a bloke. (knowing he wouldn't go for it!?) He's backed off from that now too.
He's doing his share of the housework, I cook he cleans.
He knows if he doesn't have a shave he doesn't get it, Ive burnt all his trackie bottoms.
I made him put his mess dress on the other night while he did the washing up, gave him a taste of his own meds. He said he felt like a prize prick, I asked him if he understood where I was coming from now...
But we did make lol

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now