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Distinct lack of sex in our relationship

(67 Posts)
LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 19:33:56

Long story short, my man has admitted he would rather have a wank than have sex with me.

I feel degraded. I feel like im nothing more than a skivvy who does his washing, cooks his meals etc.

He wants to have a threesome, I said no and that somethings should stay as a fantasy.

He is refusing to talk about it.

First he said its cos I had to come off the pill due to being allergic to progesterone - put something on the end of it I replied.

Next was I was never up for it and never came on to him - I threw myself at him, jumped him in the shower, caught him on the stairs etc

3rd is he doesn't like condoms - now im getting really pissed off!

4th he requested that I wear dresses and skirts and high heels around the house - I did this along with throwing myself at him still nothing.

On the rare occasion that we do have sex he insists on filming it. No idea why?!

Im getting to the point where I feel like telling him either you do it or you leave.

I've suggested councilling, sex therepy etc he isn't interested

This isn't healthy for a relationship what else can I do?

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 20:34:15

can we have a quick show of hands? male or female poster please? Id like to know a blokes perspective on this.
im 27 a healthy size 12 with curves in the right places no wobbly bits even tho ds is only a year old. I like football f1 and beer. my mans mates say im the perfect woman and cant understand why he is the way he is

Chocoflump Sat 18-May-13 20:35:56

There is another type of coil you can get- the copper coil. No progesterone in it!

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 20:37:47

I spoke to my gp about it she said that as I use a whole pack of towels a day when im on copper wouldn't be a good idea as it makes them a lot heavier so I really am stuck!

Lazyjaney Sat 18-May-13 20:58:05

"it was great before I came off the pill"

I'm not sure I'd jump on the porn wagon reading that, I know some men really hate condoms. Is there no other option at all OP?

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 21:04:57

I hate them as much as he does I told him to pull out before he cums but pre cum = pregnancy etc and he wont do it

Thisisaeuphemism Sat 18-May-13 21:07:35

Have you read your own op? What would you say if your daughter was in this relationship in twenty years time?

LittleBabyLucas Sat 18-May-13 21:14:07

i'd advise her to talk about it with her oh, which is what im trying to do with him, failing that id suggest councilling. Ive also asked him to come to councilling with me he hasn't said anything about it since so im feeling like just booking it and he either comes along or not

Darkesteyes Sat 18-May-13 21:14:14

Even if you did have "wobbly bits" OP he would still have no right to treat you like this.
NO ONE deserves this.

BeTTerMumThanU Sat 18-May-13 21:16:31

Have the threesome! You will love it!

Thisisaeuphemism Sat 18-May-13 21:19:14

You said "I've suggested counseling, sex therapy but he isn't interested'

That suggests to me that he doesn't give a shit about what you want or need and is quite happy to continue like this forever.

Thisisaeuphemism Sat 18-May-13 21:22:00

You said "he's refusing to talk about it"

Really you've got two options - put up with this tosser and gradually lose your confidence and self esteem

Or leave him - you're young attractive - find someone who makes you feel desired...

SummerDad Sat 18-May-13 21:24:32

LittleBabyLucas >> can we have a quick show of hands? male or female poster please? Id like to know a blokes perspective on this.

I am a bloke and I don't think being a man or a woman should make any difference as to how your partner should treat you and respect your needs.

LittleBabyLucas >> Long story short, my man has admitted he would rather have a wank than have sex with me.

I would say that only when I feel unwanted and when I feel that my partner does not bother doing anything for making me happy while I would be doing everything within my reach.

The way I see it is that you two have a very different view of how intimacy should be in a relationship. At the same time from what you have told your man sounds very selfish who does not want to do anything about something which is very very important for you. I find this selfishness highly reprehensible which just adds up to the resentment in the relationship, at least that's what happening in my relationship.

In short, I won't ask my partner to do anything which makes her uncomfortable. It is very selfish and personally a big turn off for me.

I just described what I felt about your situation. I am non the wiser to suggest what could be the best course of action for you though ...

NiceTabard Sat 18-May-13 21:25:12

I don't think there's anything else you can do. You've done many of the things he's asked and it's not helped.

If he will only have sex with you if he can film it then he has really serious issues, frankly.

ALittleStranger Sat 18-May-13 22:12:19

He sounds awful and your relationship does not sound loving.

Serious question, what do you actually think counselling is going to achieve?

The condom thing is a red herring. It's just one of several increasingly flimsy reasons he's given you for not wanting sex. I had an ex who had a severe condom hatred. It led to him being disrespectful in his own way finding ways not to wear them, not avoiding sex.

How long have you been together? If the baby's not his it can't be very long and no one's sex life picks up after a few years!

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 00:05:45

Perfect woman for who though?

His Neanderthal mates?

Blokes with only a few brain cells who love porn?

Sounds like his wife didn't want sex with him.

Smart cookie then, his wife.

EffieTheDuck Sun 19-May-13 00:11:14

Leave the creepy bastard.

arsenaltilidie Sun 19-May-13 00:29:20

Im a man.
Leavenheath I think perfect as in a girl that likes football beer and F1. You dont see many of those.

OP at first i thought 1 to 4 sounded like someone trying to hide E.D trying to shift blame. However I read it again:
would rather have a wank than have sex with me.
That is just abuse and insulting.

However the filming and trying to force you into having 3 some is right creepy.
I say forcing you because he is leaving you no choice until you eventually give in.

This guy doesn't respect you at all, God knows what he does with the videos.
I think its becoming clear why his marriage didnt work.

You honestly sound like a beautiful woman and the fact you like football and beer is a bonus.
He is making you feel like shit, its probably time he goes.

squeakytoy Sun 19-May-13 00:36:43

you have only been seeing this person a short time.. why are you still with him? he sounds vile.

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 00:47:23

Ah, you'll be attractive to the sort of man who calls grown women girls then. wink

Leavenheath Sun 19-May-13 01:34:36

I might be doing the OP a disservice, but she sounds like someone who's read every Lads Mag that's been published since 1996 and has somehow fashioned herself on some crude caricature of what men want in a woman in the mistaken belief that this will attract a decent bloke with more than 2 brain cells, or that the sort of neanderthals she will attract will stay interested. You pays your money and you takes your choice and all that.

gillywillywoo Sun 19-May-13 08:45:59

This guy sounds horrible.
Skirts dresses and high heels around the house? Prick.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 19-May-13 09:02:40

I might be doing the OP a disservice but this has to be a wind up, surely? hmm If it's not.... OP it's not your job to get his motor running. If he prefers porn and wanking then stop wasting your time and stop demeaning yourself. Find someone who actually likes you smile

BarredfromhavingStella Sun 19-May-13 09:10:52

Cog I thought the same thing-was with her until all the perfect woman bullshit hmm Agree you do sound like you've modelled yourself on lads mags hype OP...

pumpkinsweetie Sun 19-May-13 09:48:18

Sounds like he has become obsessed with the ideals porn portrays- the heels, the skirts, no condoms & of course threesomes.
Don't pander to these ridiculous 'needs' of his, it doesn't sound like he is making an effort on his side so why would you start dressing differently when all he can say, is "I would rather have a wank".
I would air on the side of leaving him, as he doesn't sound adult enough to deal with a healthy relationship.

Playerpleeease Sun 19-May-13 09:51:51

OP I wouldn't believe his version of events with his ex wife. If you split i'd put money on the fact he would say the same about you to his next victim.

So you're the perfect woman? That's awesome. He's preying on your insecurity and using it on his advantage, making you believe it's all your fault and if only you were different/better he would be different. It's not solely your responsibility, a relationship is a two way street. He's refusing to play ball with you, so refuse to play ball with him.

What does he do to be perfect for you? Not much by the sounds of it. To quote a wise lady on here, does he have a golden dick? I have no idea why you're letting him belittle you and abuse you. He sounds like a wanker. You can do better.

Guys like him, he will never change. No matter what you do, you will never be good enough.

Get out now.

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