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Co parenting fail. I'm stuck

(29 Posts)
FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 15:18:37

Name changed for this, but pom bears etc, I'm an oldie...

Been separated nearly 2 years. The divorce is horrible, finances a nightmare, basically he's trying to beat the system (control freak, narc, etc) but living in the marital home with new GF and her 3 DC's. He has our 2 DC's (5 & 11) one weeknight and every other weekend.

Problems as follow:

Dcs come home exhausted as it is basically a massive sleepover party every time. Little DC has said she's fallen asleep in class at least once the following day.

Facebook and other social media accounts set up for them, with no supervision. Oldest told me about these and I closed them. She saw some horrible stuff before I did.

Today oldest tells me the 13 yo DC is allowed to drink, and shared her WKD with her. I'm not averse the the French style wine with dinner, though she never has, but vodka? Really?

I could email him. Did over the Facebook thing, just got a sarcastic/stupid response.

I'm actually very very worried that there is no parenting at all going on there. I dint know what to do. Stopping contact seems extreme. I'm stuck as to what to do.

FightingFires Sun 19-May-13 15:47:27

Thank you lemon star tree only 13 more years... X

lemonstartree Sun 19-May-13 07:04:39

I agree, talk to school, document your concerns (in an email to your XH) so that you have evidence that you have raised these things with him. Each time something happens that you are worried about document and send to XH. Then you have a record of a) whats happened and b) that you have tried to be reasonable and discuss. You may never need it - but you have it if needed.

Then try to provide re best possible care for your DC when the are with you. This too shall pass.


FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 18:47:55

Right lemonstartree, this scenario is more like what I envisioned. Doesn't help me much but does stop me looking like a lunatic to SS. Which would suit him down to the ground. Also can't imagine cafcass seeing him as a poor parent, he's wealthy, great job, all looking good on paper etc.

Also can't imagine telling kids they would not see him at all for a bit - think they would hate me forever.

I think I will still talk to the school, just so they know how chaotic the kids lives are there, maybe they will have helpful suggestions...

I would like to reduce weekday contact, but not sure how successful I will be at that. Lots to think about. Thank you.

lemonstartree Sat 18-May-13 18:15:20

You cant "go to SS". It wont help. Effectively you need to deny him contact and then HE will have to go to Court /Mediation to demand contact with his children. At that point you will be asked why you stopped it and can have your say. If it can be agreed in mediation what the 'rules' will be than all well and good, if not it goes to Court who may well order a Cafcass report. These are the people who look at parenting capacity. They are a very mixed bunch

only you can decide if his parenting is bad enough to do this. Even if you do, and all goes along quickly , your children are likely not to see their father to 6-9 months... (because you are denying contact).

It will be stressful +++, expensive, and there is no guarantee that you will get the answers you want. Much better - if at all possible to settle for 'good enough' parenting and try to negotiate. And I speak as a veteran of this 'system'

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 16:20:06

lookinggood I'm not sure if it's spiteful or if he just does not have a clue. I'm hoping the latter, but it doesn't help me as I know there will not be a positive response to anything I say. It's a bloody nightmare.

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 16:09:33

thumbwitch DC2 definitely does want to be there, the Gf's middle DC is 'best friend' talked about constantly etc. DD1 I'm not sure, there is friction/friendship with the other DC'S, but mostly friendship. I think the thought of not seeing their dad would freak them out, and it looks very conventional middle class on the surface. I do wonder if she is telling me stuff she knows I won't approve of for a reason though, of that makes sense. He is very very subtly controlling.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 16:08:48

Good luck. smile
Your children have a great mum and I'm sure they'll be ok thanks to you.

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 16:01:52

Thank you lweji you're right. I need to sort this out, and I need to put them and nut my freak out at rocking the boat first. I'll talk to school again first, and then everyone. Will call the (lovely) head teacher on Monday. Really appreciate your advice x

Thumbwitch Sat 18-May-13 16:01:42

Sounds like he's failing at actually parenting your DC, so that's a good reason to prevent this continuing.

Do your DC actually want to see him as much as they currently do?

I agree with previous posters - talk to SS, CAB, WA - and the school, actually, more than you already have because this is obviously going to affect their schooling as well as everything else (you've already said they've had to make contingency plans because he doesn't get weekend homework done at his).

He sounds like an utter shit, tbh - sorry. sad

Looksgoodingravy Sat 18-May-13 16:01:04

Doesn't sound like he wants what's best for the dc, sounds like he just likes getting at you through them sad

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 15:59:34

lookinggood he would oppose it massively. I'm not sure how. He actually asked for them 2 nights a couple of weeks ago and I said no, he didn't reply to my no.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:56:29

their best, rather.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:55:35

SS then.
It's their responsibility to protect children.
It's yours when they are with you.
If he can't parent properly it's up to them.

I'd go to as many places for advice as possible.
Including speaking to the school.

I have always been open about xH and they have always done their eat to help, even if non officially.

Looksgoodingravy Sat 18-May-13 15:55:02

Just for starters how would he react to you dropping the mid-week contact? making it known how tired the dc are at school the next day.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:52:33

I'd move heaven and earth, tbh.
SS might check him out and at the very least tell him that's unacceptable parenting.
I'd think not letting young children sleep is quite serious.

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 15:51:20

lweji also there is no way I could be there during contact. He's vile to me. That's why I left, and it's only got worse. I don't even go to the door when he collects them now.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:50:23

Can't you register with border control that you don't allow them out of the country.
I live abroad, but I know I can.

And I'd probably let the school know that he's not allowed to take the children earlier, and keep them with you until the last day of school.

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 15:49:28

lweji is it enough for SS? I'm thinking not? But maybe. It's such a collection of little things, I know I'm not being petty, but he will make it look like I'm insane.

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 15:47:07

moose UK holiday, I don't have their passports at present, I did, then he needed them for a foreign tax thing, and kept them (We lived abroad for a while). Oldest DC's had expired anyway. It's yet another battle I'm putting off.

MooseBeTimeForSpring Sat 18-May-13 15:43:07

Is the holiday in the UK or abroad? Do you have their passports?

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:42:51

Failing that, SS.

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 15:39:24

lweji would WA help with this sort of thing? They were helpful when I left him, so I'd totally trust them. Thought I was past that > sigh <

FightingFires Sat 18-May-13 15:37:37

looksgood with his general flagrant regard for rules, I doubt he would ask. Just not turn up that day Iyswim? It's not happening, it's not fair to DC1. But I guess I could talk to school. They've been very understanding about weekend homework never happening at his, we get catch up time in the week and the DC don't get in trouble. Thank you.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:36:35

You can contact WA and cab.

Or just remove contact and let him see them when you are around, or friend, and let him go to court.

Looksgoodingravy Sat 18-May-13 15:33:10

Just with regards to the school situation. Surely school need both your authority to take the dc out of school? Could you have a word with school so that this doesn't happen again.

Sorry not much help with other practicalities, sounds a nightmare tbh and one you shouldn't have to be putting up with.

Hopefully you'll get lots of good advice on here.

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