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Delusional mum trying to upset my relationship with my step daughters

(32 Posts)
alexa0304 Sat 18-May-13 14:26:19

I'm new here, but I really need some help and advice. I have 2 children, a son of 11 and a daughter of 8. I am separated from their father but I have a lovely husband and 2 step daughters aged 7 and 4 whom I love dearly and look after for 3 days per week. We have been together for 3 years.

The elder of my 2 step daughters isn't always easy to understand, I think she has problems as her mum obviously can't bear her and she has seen child psychologists. She is, however, very sweet and I try hard to praise her when she is good and support and guide her when she isn't. I am almost as close to her as I am with my daughter, who is 6 months older, the pair are best friends.

So, this is where my mum comes in. She has always been a habitual liar, if you asked her which way she drove home she would tell a lie rather than tell the truth. I was neglected by her as a child and have suffered pretty bad mental problems since childhood, which fortunately I have under control. I ignore the past and her ongoing lies and half-truths so that she can have a relationship with my children and because I don't think she knows the impact she has on other people. Perhaps I should say she is delusional rather than a liar.

Recently, she has told lies about my eldest step daughter. She isn't comfortable with how close I am with both of them, and thinks I am somehow taking love away from my own daughter (her granddaughter). She has told me that my step daughter told my daughter that she is ugly because she wears glasses. I just knew this wasn't true, and when I carefully broached my daughter about the subject she confirmed that Sarah had never tormented her about her glasses and had actually said how much she liked her new purple ones. She keeps saying I am harming my own daughter by showing love to my step daughters, and hints at this to my daughter (who seems to ignore it, thankfully).

I have ignored my mum's lies since I was 5 years old, but I cannot bear that she is now trying to turn me against my step daughter. My partner does not want her in our house (understandably). I have reached a point where I must say something, but it will probably mean I never see my mum again. Anyone with any words of advice, please help me, I am really struggling with this...

Thanks xx

alexa0304 Sun 19-May-13 10:14:00

Squinkies - I know, it is very hard for her, and this is why it's even more important that she gets as much attention and affection as she likes when she is here. We've looked into it, when she is a little older she will be able to vote with her feet and she knows that we would love her to live here with us.

Imagine & BBQ, I have decided to cut contact with her unless she admits everything, apologises and changes her behaviour, and even then the contact will only be with my children and will be limited to having them for tea etc - no sleepovers. As she will never admit any wrongdoing this position is academic, really.

imaginethat Sun 19-May-13 11:14:47

Sorry i posted before I saw your update. It sounds as though you have moved a long way in a short time and are resigned to what has to follow. You can be sure you are doing the right thing for your dc.

Corygal Sun 19-May-13 14:25:56

I had no intention of sounding flippant. Good luck next week.

alexa0304 Tue 21-May-13 19:50:00

^Sorry, I've been a bit touchy about this, as you can probably gather. I've arranged to see her tomorrow, shitting it but will do it WITH explanation.

Hissy Tue 21-May-13 20:01:55

Alexa, you really ARE doing the right thing. Please confide in your H, trust his judgement.

Please trust us too. We know what you're contemplating, and we know how hard a decision it is to make.

You are the only hope your Daughters (both own AND step) have of living as normal a life as possible.

You have to help them. Don't negotiate on your conditions, don't back down.

bbqsummer Tue 21-May-13 20:58:13

She won't apologise or admit anything though, so not sure why you're meeting her tbh. She has a big pull on you doesn't she.

Even if she did 'admit, apologise and agree to change,' well, do you really think she will stick to that?

Why bother meeting her? Just cut her out if she is so damaging. You have cut their real mother out as far as possible, as she is, you say, damaging, so why will you not do the same to your mother?

butterflymeadow Tue 21-May-13 21:08:31

Do you know you have got your stepdaughters name in your OP? On phone, so can't report, but I think you want to get that removed, it makes you and more importantly her potentially identifiable.

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