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how do you know it's the end?

(11 Posts)
ct148 Fri 17-May-13 22:22:16

How do you know that you don't love your husband/partner anymore, as opposed to it just being a so called rough patch? And do you think you ever kind of 'fall back in love'?
I'm not sure I love my husband anymore, for various reasons but I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much from marriage!
He's away a fair bit but I never ever miss him and actually look forward to him going, never look forward to him returning, I feel anxious at the thought if anything. And as bad as this sounds I sometimes wish he'd just meet someone else, at least then it would be black & white as opposed to so much grey confusion.
Sorry I've not gone into much detail, I've not got much time but I was just wondering how other people knew they didn't love their other half. (and what they did about it, if relevant!)

mrspaddy Fri 17-May-13 22:31:39

I was in a long term relationship (several years) but wasn't married. I just started to feel sick towards the end that this would be my life - if I stayed with him.

I know I used to complain about him a lot. That was how I knew too. I thought that if I married him, everyone would know we weren't right for each other and that embarrassed me.

It was upsetting because it seemed a waste of time and years of my life to not keep trying. Looking back, it could have been a lot worse and though I wish the relationship hadn't gone on as long, I think it was for the best because I appreciate the qualities in my husband so much for it I think.

If you don't miss him I think it says everything. We all get on each others nerves now and again but if it is the case that you never miss him then maybe it is over. Have you tried to put a bit of romance back ?? Maybe set yourself a timeframe and then you can really put a big effort in but know this is it. I hope it all works out for you.

I just felt irritated by him. I didn't respect him and I was bored and lonely. I still see him because of the DCs and we get on ok. It was a straightforward break up by god I'm glad I'm not growing old with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 06:35:25

Do you ever talk to him about this feeling that you've grown more distant from each other? If he's 'away a fair bit' then perhaps he's feeling the same way? You'd also have to be more specific about what you describe as not loving him 'for various reasons'.... and I'm always concerned when someone says they feel anxious about a partner coming home. That often means that it's not just distance, boredom or lack of having anything in common causing the problem but that there's something slightly nastier going on... arguments, criticisms, contempt, disrespect.

postmanpatscat Sat 18-May-13 06:47:20

Similar to you, OP...when he was due to go away, I looked forward to it, and my heart used to sink when he was due back. And cogito is right, there was a whole load of other stuff going on too.

Kione Sat 18-May-13 08:22:21

I havevl similar feelings. I am trying to give it a go, improve things, but it looks like its not working although he doesnt see it that way sad
What happens if I dont have the guts to tell him how I feel? I jyst hate hurting him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-May-13 08:30:46

You may hate hurting him Kione but, by saying nothing, you're hurting yourself. There is no good way to end a relationship but there's no good way to stay in a bad relationship either. If you stopped caring about someone, lying to them because you haven't the guts to tell the truth is not the way forward. Of course, if you say 'it's over' you have to follow through. Rejection is hard but leaving someone in the limbo of 'I'm not sure if I like you or not' is more cruel.

Flyingtree Sat 18-May-13 13:36:20

I think MrsPaddy has it right.

Also, Indifference.

And, sexual jealousy? If you can imagine them with someone else and it doesn't hurt you, that's a good indicator you're over them, isn't it?

It's the same undefinable thing as falling in love, you can't pinpoint that, neither can you define falling out of love, you just 'know' when the time is right.

Kione Sat 18-May-13 14:56:29

Thanks Cogito, but I feel like I don't know, a bit like the OP I guess. I havent tild him I dont know because for me it goes up and down, sone days I see some light some others not at all.
Sorry for hijacking the post OP.

Selba Sat 18-May-13 15:03:16

leaving a partner is never as easy as it seem from the outside.

One reason why is that the would be leaver assesses the problem ( the crap relationship) and the solution ( split up, tell the kids, tell friends and family , sort out finances, dismantle current social network etc etc )

Sometimes the solution seems worse the the problem.

Primadonnagirl Sat 18-May-13 15:16:33

Indifference. When you really don't give them a thought.I can remember my ex saying to me "You never look pleased to see me anymore" and I realised its cos I wasn't...I was sad about the situation but not sad for him if you see what I mean...also I couldn't picture us together even this time next year and that's when I just knew it had all gone...it's very sad but getting out sooner rather than later enables you both to move on

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