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Kind, but patronising!, friend. How to deal with this?

(7 Posts)
springymater Fri 17-May-13 15:33:25

I have a gorgeous friend who is great fun and just lovely.

Yesterday something very upsetting happened to me and when she called I was a bit squiffy to say the least (not pissed but weepy). She has been weepy with me on occasion - as you do, we're friends - and she made a big thing of taking me out for the afto. Only I didn't see it as her 'taking me out' but as us doing something together. Bear with me...

At the end of the afto she said 'There, did you have a nice time?' (to which I immediately replied 'yes, did you?') before she proceeded to suddenly want to get home quickly because another friend had arrived early at her house. It wasn't done with much grace tbf - I was in the middle of my meal and I suddenly no longer existed. It looked for all the world like she'd done her duty.

I may sound tetchy but there was a distinct 'pat on the head' at the end. How on earth to you stop someone doing the patronising shit? I can panic in situations like this and see things in black and white. It's hard enough to show your vulnerability without being patronised into the bargain.

uh-oh I am sounding an ungrateful bag <sigh>

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 15:41:19

I think you should take a deep breath, put the rifle down and take a step back.... Yes, she probably saw it as a cheer up springymater exercise and yes, it was a slightly patronising thing to say but, on the other hand, she could have left you to your tears and done nothing at all. Not worth falling out over...

springymater Fri 17-May-13 15:46:46

Yes, you are right. i know I am not seeing this in perspective.

However, I absolutely cringe at anyone thinking they're doing me a nice thing and they're not particularly into it. I mean, how embarrassing and plain awful? My stuff, of course <sigh>

She wouldn't have left me to my tears. We are friends. Friends don't leave you to your tears.

LemonPeculiarJones Fri 17-May-13 15:51:53

Is it typical of her to be a bit patronising or was this an isolated incident?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 15:53:15

Me too... hate feeling that anyone is putting themselves out for me and hate asking for help or acknowledging any kind of weakness. Shall we have therapy together or shall we just call it 'pride'? smile Having read your other thread I can see why you'd be very sensitive and easily offended, but best to ascribe it to 'good intentions' and leave it there

springymater Fri 17-May-13 16:05:47

No, tbh I don't find it hard to show my weakness to my friends - though, of course, it is a risk and I/one is aware of that and kind of frightened in the moment iyswim.

Yes she can be a patronising and care-takey. It is a blight tbh. 'Here, I'm doing this for you' - hence my quick retort to her q about whether I'd enjoyed the afto she has specifically laid on for me

I realise this could well be crossed wires - eg, she may want me to 'take her out' and make a fuss of her if she is upset? That may be her thing and make her feel special. It doesn't make me feel special, it makes me feel patronised - my stuff! She may feel I was an ungrateful cah after all she had done for me....

ah, nowt to queer etc.

buzzybee123 Fri 17-May-13 16:53:38

I've read your other thread too, I think you need some time out, you are upset with the work thing understandably, its best to leave things for awhile and see what happens if you still find yourself upset by her behaviour the wait until you ready to talk to her about in a safe controlled environment where you both feel happy and in a non accusing way, yuo don't really want to be falling out with someone who might be able to offer you support later down the line

I'm sorry you are having a rough time, buy yourself some wine and flowers and look after yourself

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