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Why am I holding this grudge? and a couple of other niggles too....

(26 Posts)
runforest Fri 17-May-13 14:00:08

Bit of background, been with dp 3yrs lived together 1 1/2, started off okay never felt like heady,high lovely honeymoon thing which usually occurs.

He had a women friend who he played sport with 3/4 times a week,which was no problem to me as I knew all this before getting together with him. She is married etc.

After 9months or so we had been on couple of holidays and I realised this women knew nothing about him being in a relationship with me, and I did voice a concern a few times just to ask why? I knew her to say hi to, so why would he not tell her.

After a while he did mention me to her and I saw her that week and she was very off with me, and was every time since.

I told him this, but he said she was going through a tough time at home !(funny that) and he didnt think he should say anything to uopset her.
Anyway to cut a long story and 2 years on arguing about it! She made it clear she didnt like him being with me, and I then made it clear she made me uncomfortable as to why she would react like this was obvious.

He stopped ( his decision) playing sport with her, but they kept texting and phoning each other whenever either I went out or wasnt around, and he told me he wasnt in touch with her.

This has in about the last 6 months stopped as far as know and I trust when he says they are not in touch now.

My concern is he wants to start going to the gym (where she is nearly every night) as he says he stopped because of all the trouble it caused, but now he feels trapped that he cant do what he wants to do.

I dont want him to feel trapped that is awful, but I feel so uncomfortable with that situation.

I'm worried I am some control freak, we have argued constantly about this situation but I just don't like it and I dont want the worry in my relationship again, as knowing when you go out the room he is checking his phone was a horrible feeling sitution.

There are other things that aren't great in the relationship we have either, he has problems in the bedroom department, which he says if I just settle down and stop arguing about things he wouldnt have that problem.It makes him unsettled that I seem to have one foot out of the door all the time.

The problem is I do have one foot in ,one out constantly, I just dont seem able to settle with him and move on.

Am I being ridiculous and childish here?

He says if I just drop everything we could be really happy

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 17-May-13 14:11:33

No you are not being at all ridiculous and childish here and I certainly do not like his veiled threat i.e "if you drop everything we could be really happy". He has caused the issue in the first place so he is really not taking any responsibility for his actions. He is instead blaming you?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Why are you really together now?.

My initial impression of reading about him is a poor one and I would also think he is continuing an emotional affair with this person; they have been on and off throughout your own relationship with him. He probably also likes the idea of two women "fighting" over him; he's playing both of you really.

TigerSwallowTail Fri 17-May-13 14:16:57

Why can he only go to that one gym?

Windingdown Fri 17-May-13 14:23:14

I think if you drop him you could be happy.

runforest Fri 17-May-13 14:27:50

thank you for replying I really needed to get this off my chest but thought you might all say I'm not normal, thats what I keep being told.

atilla to be honest I dont get much out of the relationship, maybe some company but that's about it. I'm sitting here just about to start a pros and cons list I decided to do just to see it wrote down. Porblem is when I have said I am undecided whether its working out, he tells me its becuase of me its not working. Kind of makes you stay so your not the one doing wrong!

Tiger I had enough of her slamming doors in my face etc, so I joined another gym, I did say to him please come join mine, but he gets very annoyed when he feels a women is telling him what to do ( he is pretty chauvenistic) says it was down to an ex wife hen pecking him!

runforest Fri 17-May-13 14:28:35

My spelling awful - sorry

RootinTootin Fri 17-May-13 14:43:13

Whether you meant to or not you've made him choose between his friend and you. Why wouldn't he be annoyed at that?

fuzzywuzzy Fri 17-May-13 14:48:45

because the friend made it clear she did not like OP's boyfriend being with her?
Under those circumstances I would imagine the boyfriend himself would be backing off the friendship with no prompting whatsoever from his girlfriend.

I think OP you could be happier without the boyfriend to be honest.

badinage Fri 17-May-13 14:50:00

Right so:

- He's shit in bed
- You're not in the least bit in love with him and never were
- He's at the very least had an emotional affair
- He allows his friend to be extremely rude to you
- He blames you for his sexual dysfunction
- He's a chauvinist

Come on love, you know what to do.

What good reasons are there to stay with this loser?

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 17-May-13 15:12:40

If you are not getting anything out of this relationship except some company (and tbh he is no company at all) then you'd be better off apart. He seems to have an emotional attachment to this woman in any case.

You have not done wrong here, he has and he is using projection on you; its actually his behaviour that is causing this relationship to break down and blaming you for it is a classic deflection tactic. Relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

Piemother Fri 17-May-13 15:33:37

He sounds like a twat. Exh had one of those annoying female friends who hates me that he refused to drop. That wasn't why we divorced but I'm learning its part of a wider problem.
If he was a decent bloke he would either ditch her or tell her he can't be mates if she's going to be such a knob. I suspect there's a reason why he hadn't done either.
She's acting like a knob but who knows what he tells her!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Fri 17-May-13 15:49:46

Christo red flags, runforest.

It sounds like he is running two relationships simultaneously, sorry.

Personally, I'd never "fight" (in any context: including fighting with him to keep him) for a man. It would just be too degrading. Since it sounds like he is definitely not a keeper , let him go. You are not compatible in many respects and it is not your fault you are not compatible. (And tbh, I'm not sure there would be very many folks against having an open relationship that would be compatible with this.)

[[ grin fun to think about but I don't know if I'd actually do it:]] Consider sending his workout "friend" wink (right, we know she is the OW) a lovely bouquet (perhaps with funds you "borrow- but not return" wink from him) with the message "I'm done, you can have him now. Thank you!" (the thank you is for her being there so the transition away form you is easier for him and thus you). As immature as she sounds, he deserves her..full time.

quietlysuggests Fri 17-May-13 15:57:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runforest Fri 17-May-13 16:48:07

I think I am feeling really let down by him tbh.I gave him the benefit of the doubt and trusted all was okay after he said she was no longer in touch.but now him wanting to go back to where she is 5 nights of the week when there are so many other places he could go.

Xales Fri 17-May-13 17:48:48

You have been together 3 years.

He spent the bulk of the first year seeing another woman 3/4 nights a week and not letting her know you existed in a personal level in his life.

You spent 2 years arguing about this woman and her being a cow to you despite being married herself. He effectively allowed this and condoned it by continuing to be her friend.

He spent all the time up to the last 6 months secretly contacting her every time your back was turned.

He hasn't seen her (as far as you are aware) for the last 6 months. However he now wants to be in the same space as her 5 nights a week again.

It sounds shit to be honest with you. What company will he be when he starts spending 5/7 nights of the week with her again where you are unwelcome because of how she treats yuo?

stopmovingthefurniture Fri 17-May-13 18:36:53

He sounds awful. Not husband/dad material. Exit exit exit.

Lavenderhoney Fri 17-May-13 19:03:50

It hasn't been a very happy 3 years has it? They sound embroiled in their own emotional drama tbh.

He isn't gong to change, and you don't make each other happy. He wants to see her as much as he likes with you looking the other way, and not as a couple or sharing a friendship. She has no intention of being friends with you.

Sounds miserable, and will possibly end when she finally leaves her dh or her dh finds out and asks her to leave IMO

schobe Fri 17-May-13 19:12:19

Badinage and quietlysuggests have it to a tee. Get rid.

HeathRobinson Fri 17-May-13 19:24:42

runforest - what would you say to a friend in this situation, if she came to you for advice?

Wossname Fri 17-May-13 19:27:39

What badinage said, completely.

startlife Fri 17-May-13 21:05:35

You have been smart enough to know that something is wrong, you are not holding a grudge, you are rightly angry that your supposedly loving partner is not listening to you. He wants you to accept this behaviour - make it seem if you are unreasonable, you should be listened to. He should be willing to find a solution that makes you comfortable and he should be putting in place appropriate boundaries with this 'friend'.

joblot Fri 17-May-13 22:57:23

What startlife said. I'm in a similar-ish situation, its wearing being told you're the problem when your. gut suggests otherwise. Am interested to see how you manage all this, sounds like you want it to end finally

Offred Sat 18-May-13 09:12:19

Another vote for why do you want to be with him?

Why on earth does she dislike you so? Makes me suspicious that he has been playing you off against each other. It isn't clear what you have actually found out was going on between them of anything but I'm not sure it even matters. He kept you secret from her, even though I don't think mixed gender friendships are automatically out of bounds like some posters, keeping you a secret then continuing to be friends with her when she bullies you and now blackmailing you sexually... Well, just beyond anything tolerable really isn't it? I don't think you should have banned him from seeing her, I think you should have left him, he's clearly not on your side.

I think he sounds manipulative and nasty.

Offred Sat 18-May-13 09:15:33

Seriously, I have got into a load of crap on another thread for being seen to be too independent in friendship arrangements between genders, I would never stay friends with someone male or female who treated my DH like how you describe she has treated you and I'd never pretend to my friends dh didn't exist, those are the crucial things to me, why on earth would he lie and why still like this woman after how she behaved to you?

tallwivglasses Sat 18-May-13 10:06:53

Please don't waste any more of your precious life with this idiot. It sounds like he and slammy-door woman are made for each other.

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