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Finances when living together

(17 Posts)
Needadviceandfast Fri 17-May-13 10:29:03


I'm a regular lurker but have registered to get some advice, if possible...

Really not sure about my situation. I'll keep it brief and not too detailed so as not to out myself. I've got three children, separated (and consequently divorced) from their Dad 4.5 years ago. Met someone new a year after we'd separated. Was fairly casual at first but gradually got more serious and he met my children and started spending more time with us.

After 2 and a bit years he moved in with me and my children. I own my own house (mortgage free, very lucky I know) as does he but he has a mortgage. Plan was to rent his place out. 17 months later it's still not ready to be rented out (needed lots of work doing to be fair, but he insisted on doing this all himself and blames the fact that I haven't 'let' him spend enough time there as a reason for it still not being finished).

So when he moved in, he said he could afford to give me £50 / month towards bills, which would go up when his place had a rental income. We started off sharing the food shopping and sorting out receipts at the end of the month, but this turned into a nit picking exercise with him saying he'd pay half for things for 'us' but not the children. I.e. cereal, crisps, toilet roll that apparently we used way more of than him. So for a few months I ended up 'paying' him.

My financial situation was that as a single parent of 3 children under 7, I was on Income Support and tax credits. This obviously changed when he moved in and I eventually got a (minimum wage) part time job after months of looking, to go some way to making up the shortfall. About 6 months ago I sat him down and said that financially I was struggling and needed more help from him, so he upped his bill contribution to £100 and became more flexible about the food shopping. But this has led to us still sharing the food shopping but not going through it at the end of the month, and I feel that I do spend more (I buy 95% of food for the kids and household items, plus a fair proportion of things for 'us'.) His £100 hasn't always been forthcoming though, there have been times when he hasn't been able to afford it at all.

I've tried to talk finances with him again and he says he buys way more than half the food shopping, can't afford to put any more money into the household pot until his place is rented out and that's that really.

My friends say I'm being a mug but I just don't know - in his defence he doesn't earn masses, is still paying the mortgage there and has spent quite a bit doing it up. But I feel like I've let him into our home, which he's enjoying all the comforts of without actually contributing in the way I'd like him to (housework is another issue...)

Please give me some opinions one way or another!

Dahlen Fri 17-May-13 10:40:00

I'm with your friends I'm afraid. He's taking the piss. Badly.

I can understand that he can't give what he doens't have in terms of money, but he doesn't seem to be remotely apologetic about it and has been nit-picking with you.

Fact is, if he can't afford to get his own place to a habitable standard quickly, let it out and start paying you a going rate, he has to sell. He can't afford his house, simple as.

But that's rubbish really, isn't it. After all, if he wasn't living with you and staying in his own home, doing it up, he'd still have to spend way more than £100 on utilities, household good and food.

He is a cocklodger. Sorry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 10:44:12

Bottom line is that he has no incentive to sell or rent his property more quickly because he is onto a good thing living with you for £100/month.... and if you rented a room to a lodger you'd get £250/month. You've probably lost out on some of the benefits available because you're now a couple rather than a single parent. So you have to provide him with an incentive and - much as you like the guy and feel sorry for him - that means demanding a far fairer contribution both practically and financially. In short, he needs a rocket up his arse... no more Mrs Nice Guy.

kutee Fri 17-May-13 18:16:13

Your friends are right.

seriouslysleepdeprived Fri 17-May-13 20:41:12

Oh dear. At best i would say he has taken advantage of the situation.

Anyone that quibbled over paying for groceries when living rent free would get a shock from me.

thecook Fri 17-May-13 22:59:16

Hi there.

So he moved in as your ‘partner‘ but only wants to pay for grocery items for you and him and not the things your kids eat and use?

A tight arse love. I would be kicking his arse out. Or you could wait and see what happens when he does finally rent out his property. I think the money will towards the mortgage and any extra will be going in his pocket. 100 quid a month? He is taking the living piss.

mrspaddy Fri 17-May-13 23:04:15

No I would not be happy with this at all. My husband moved in with me but has his own house with a much bigger mortgage than mine (even with tenants in, the excess he pays is more). However, we split all domestic bills including food.

Your man sounds mean and there is nothing as unattractive!!!

bakingaddict Fri 17-May-13 23:08:47

I would have packed his bags, showed him the door and waved him goodbye the moment he said he only wanted to pay for food for 'us' and not your kids.

Not exactly establishing himself as parent friendly is he, cant see him making a stab at being a good step-parent with an attitude like this. I don't see a future for this relationship so don't waste any more time on it

Planetofthedrapes Sat 18-May-13 00:35:31

I would tell him it is time to move back permanently to his house so he can devote his time to doing it up! grin

£100 pound a month all in - bet you do his cooking and laundry for him too! I'm sorry that your friends are right, you are being a mug.

Think of all the money you could save by not subsidizing him - lower council tax, utilities, food, persil, wear and tear on iron, etc etc. not to mention more time for your DCs

Planetofthedrapes Sat 18-May-13 00:37:37

Time for him to pay for his own tea bags and bog roll too!

skyeskyeskye Sat 18-May-13 01:18:43

I think if a man moves in with a woman with kids then he is taking on those children. He can't argue over who pays for what, it should be 50/50. When my XH moved into my house he paid half of everything apart from the mortgage. (No children though).

I really think that you need to give him an ultimatum, explain that you lose out financially now, that he needs to pay half if everything and that he needs to sort out his house ASAP. If he can't do that then he needs to move out.

Planetofthedrapes Sat 18-May-13 01:55:53

You had to get a job to fund him living with you, yet he won't pay his keep - cocklodger!

Let him move back to his house to do it up.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 18-May-13 08:09:24

Yep, he is what you call a cocklodger and you've been and are being used.

Your friends are right; you've been a mug here but you were also targeted, such men look for single parents to use in such a manner.

mikkii Sat 18-May-13 08:21:03

When I first moved in with DH (pre DC) I looked at all the bills at the end of the month and I paid him half by cheque (conveniently this could later prove I hadn't been living with him for "free") excluding the mortgage. I also did the bulk of the food shopping.

I rented out my own house.

He has no incentive to get his house ready as he only contributes what he wants to meanwhile, you've had to get a part time job? Why is he still with you? Oh yes, for the maid service.

EuroShaggleton Sat 18-May-13 08:48:51

How can a house that he was living in before he met you require 17 months' worth of work before it can be let?

BTW, my now husband moved in with me when he had a flat. It was let out in a couple of months and he has paid a contribution to the mortgage and bills in proportion to his income since he moved in here. I consider that arrangement fair.

Needadviceandfast Sat 18-May-13 12:35:45

Thanks so much for the honest replies. Think I needed some reality on my rose tinted view of things. He has agreed to sit down and talk finances tomorrow so we'll see how that goes...

I know the timescale of doing his house up has been ludicrous, it did need a lot doing (re-rendering, re-plastering, damp work, electrics etc as well as redecorating top to bottom) and my point from the start was get people in to do it, yes it's an initial outlay but within a few months the rental income would be paying that back. But no, I'm being naive apparently, he just says the money wasn't there and he's saved so much by doing it himself. Brick, wall and talking to spring to mind.

Thanks again, it's hard to hear I've been silly but I knew it deep down.

ThePlEWhoLovedMe Sat 18-May-13 15:27:04

My DP and I have separate finances - he moved in with me and I already had a son. He pays (and does) all the food shopping (£600 a month - which includes a take away a week) and gives me £200 towards the bills - this is pretty much half of our total out goings.

If he ever said to me he wasn't 'paying' for stuff for my son id kick him out - Sorry but i agree with your friends - he is taking the royal piss.

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