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I just don't know what to do

(8 Posts)
ChickenLidl Fri 17-May-13 09:58:35

I think my marriage is over. We've been together for 12 years, we started dating the day before my 17th birthday. Not long after my 19th birthday, we found out I was pregnant. We now have a DD and a DS.

He's never been overly affectionate, and sometimes has been downright cold/unloving. The major example that comes to mind is after the birth of DS, who was born back to back. Horrendous is the only word I can use to describe that labour, I honestly wanted to die I was in so much pain. Then the placenta refused to budge so ended up being transferred to a bigger hospital. Had some sort of haemorrhage in the ambulance and then placenta was quite forcefully removed by a midwife. I was in bits, in shock, in pain. He walked out of the hospital with me, no arm around me or checking if I was ok. He then turned to me and told me had a bad headache. How I didn't punch the bastard there and then I don't know.

Things have come to a head recently. He told me two weeks ago that he cared for me, and loved me in that way, but he wasn't in love with me. That didn't hurt me like it should have done, in fact part of me was glad he'd said it first.

He's now decided that actually he is desperately in love with me, and promising to change. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how I feel about him anymore. He's hurt me too many times. I haven't been perfect either. I don't think we've made each other happy, and sometimes we make each other unhappy. I can't stop thinking about the kids, the house, my job (I work for his company). None of those things should make me stay, but it makes it fucking hard to leave.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 17-May-13 10:01:24

You do know what to do. It's just that it is, indeed fucking hard. There are solutions though. Can you start listing practical things that you need to sort out in order to untangle the kids/house/job issues in the case of a split?

SolidGoldBrass Fri 17-May-13 10:02:06

Sounds like he was either having an affair or trying to start one, and the woman in question has told him to piss off. Either that or he's taken independent financial/legal advice and been told that it will cost him too much to end the marriage.

It's probably a good idea to take some legal advice on your own behalf, at least so that you know what the position would be if you decided to leave him.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 10:10:47

"He told me two weeks ago that he cared for me, and loved me in that way, but he wasn't in love with me."

I agree with SGB that this is usually a precursor to finding out there is or was someone else in his life. Either way, you should not have to suffer the indignity of letting someone else decide if you're worth loving or not.

Decide what's best for you and then tell him how it's going to be.

ChickenLidl Fri 17-May-13 10:53:26

I honestly don't think there is anyone else. If anything, that would have been more likely on my side, feeling unloved for so long does make you wonder whether the grass is greener elsewhere. I've never acted on those feelings, but they're there.

Maybe it was too much too young, and we've both resented each other for that.

I'm just not sure whether to give it one more chance. I don't want to make a decision either way that I'll regret. If I try and give it a go, at least the option to leave is still there. If I leave him, that's it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 11:18:50

How about looking at it this way? Give it a go but, before you do, make it very clear to him that after being given this very mixed & offensive message about him not knowing whether he loves you or not, he is now on probation. That is, you are now in the process of deciding whether he is worth being married to or not.... and that you'll let him know when you've reached a conclusion. Set it out like that and you are firmly back in the driving seat rather than passively waiting for him to make his mind up. You are in control of his future and not the other way around.

You could even put a review date on it.

badinage Fri 17-May-13 11:45:42

I too think it's likely there's someone else and that his about turn has been because she's blown him out. I also get that you are both equally likely to have an affair.

By the looks, you're coming up to a watershed birthday then and his announcement has probably given you the impetus to review the relationship and realise it's never been good for either of you. Maybe if you hadn't had children so young, it would have been a normal teenage relationship that was allowed to fizzle out?

I like Cog's idea about putting the onus back on to you for making a decision about the relationship, but I'm not sure you can ever make good decisions without all the facts. If he's been dabbling elsewhere but won't admit it, won't that always be on your mind? And his?

Lweji Fri 17-May-13 11:46:06

I agree with cogito.

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