Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

no one should have to put up with me

(18 Posts)
freemanbatch Thu 16-May-13 23:45:59

I split with my very abusive ex back in August after years of abuse that escalated as far as sexual assault and repeated attempts to rape me before I gave in and just let him do what he wanted to keep him happy while I worked out how to get out.

Four weeks after he left was DD2's birthday and my family came, took over everything, overrode all DD1's plans for her sister's birthday and walked around my house like they owned the place. DD1 got upset about things and was cross and she shouted too much and my dad smacked her, I was shocked but didn't feel I could say anything because no one was listening to me anyway. I got more and more stressed by everything until I left the room for a few minutes only to be followed by my mother to be screamed at for being ungrateful and rude and people were only trying to help. I'd had enough and told everyone to leave but they even ignored me with that because they 'wanted to know I was ok'

A few weeks later I spent an evening getting texts from my brother telling me how I deserved what I got from my ex and from my sister saying I was making it all up for attention.

I didn't tell my parents because they'd already told me I was making them ill with the stress I was putting them under, even though I live 100 miles away and but for three visits to help me move furniture they have done nothing for me that they didn't do before, I have not asked them for money or help with the kids or anything all I have said is that I didn't want to see my brother and sister but they have continued to invite them round whenever I am there even now that they have read the texts.

Today I sent my mum and dad an email saying I didn't want my siblings mentioned in my house or for them to be discussed with my children and that if they mentioned them I would ask them to leave.

I have just had a reply telling me I am an abusive daughter who is threatening to take their grandchildren away for no good reason.

I don't know the point of this post other than I think I've had enough of everything and I don't know what to do to get through.

WinkyWinkola Thu 16-May-13 23:54:50

God they sound utterly vile and abusive.

I would get rid of all of them. Do they bring you any positives?


You need kind, positive and friendly support. Not attacks. And not self centred poor me declarations from your parents.

In short, sod them. They sound utterly awful.

WinkyWinkola Thu 16-May-13 23:55:44

And your dad hit your dd. That will only escalate. You said nothing to stop him. He now thinks he has license to do that.

freemanbatch Fri 17-May-13 00:00:08

I told him the email today that no one was to hit my children which is probably what got me the accusation of being an abusive daughter.

I don't know what positives they bring, its hard because I want things to be good but things went on when i was younger that I know shouldn't have but if I have no more to do with them I am entirely on my own and that's scary.

I have never asked them for anything since I left home at 18 and i guess I hoped they would step up and support me when I really needed them because I'd never asked before but now I think I never asked before because I knew they wouldn't help me.

sorry I'm not making much sense.

Hissy Fri 17-May-13 00:09:22

Sweety, most of us that fall into abusive relationships do so, because of our families.

You are not an abusive daughter, you are not an abusive anyone.

Your family are shockingly awful, you need to get away from them, and keep your DC away from them too.

How dare they hit your children? How dare they text you, how dare they email you vile shite?

How? well, that is because they are abusive themselves, they get off on control and they are trying to get you back in the position they want you in; underdog.

Being on your own, away from these DRAINS, will actually help you grow stronger.

You have us here, MN is practically all I have after I realised what had happened to me thanks to my 'family' We'll grow, we'll get there.

have you considered counselling? could you? it'd really help!

You are not alone, if you need specific help re family - try the Stately Homes thread, if you need help healing from the DV, please go to the emotional abuse thread? both are lifesavers!

freemanbatch Fri 17-May-13 00:16:11

Thanks Hissy, I know people do it I guess I just doubt that I'm strong enough to but then I doubted i was strong enough to get rid of the ex and I've managed that!

I have thought about counselling but I have no idea how I would fit it in and also if I let myself think about some things I might lose my ability to hold things together and that would not be good!

They also have this habit of sending me these things late at night when they will stop me sleeping and then going back to their houseful of people while I'm on my own.

I know they aren't good for me I guess I just have to work out how I get out!

Thanks again for your kind words

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 06:37:05

I think you're amazing. You've got shot of an abusive partner and you stood up to your family. In my book, that makes you rather special smile Agree with other people, your 'family' is now you and your DCs in your home living life your way. Parents, siblings and all the rest are 100% optional on condition they behave themselves. You don't have to officially cut contact if that's going to have them sending more poisonous e-mails, just fill your life with other stuff so that you're too busy to have them round very often. If they live 100 miles away, that's a major bonus.

Well done and .... .courage!!!

mummytime Fri 17-May-13 06:44:52

Freemanbatch have you looked at the Stately Homes thread?

I would suggest cutting contact with your parents for a bit. For practical help reach out to local Mums, RL friends, even people at work. Give yourself and your kids a break from your family, and do things your way.

Good luck!

iloveweetos Fri 17-May-13 07:02:39

Agree with cogitosmile

Hissy Fri 17-May-13 07:50:59

It's a complete fallacy that you'll fall apart when in therapy. It's a safe place to talk and understand your feelings.

If you worry about how it works, please bring that up with the counsellor. IMO, I don't think you can heal properly without addressing this stuff.

I went into therapy, did the freedom prog, and attended a DV group all at the same time. Yes it was tough, but the payoff was that it was fairly quick to get me to a place where I could process things, and with people who had my interests at heart. Oh! Mumsnet was VITAL out-of-hours service for me too!

The DV was easy to deal with in therapy in comparison, the family stuff hurt way more, but the methods of dealing with it was exactly the same: it wasn't my fault, and they chose to treat me like that. I however DON'T choose to let them anymore.

You can do this. I absolutely know you can.

I can promise you with certainty that get through this, invest in yourself, your happiness etc and you will know a happiness and contentment with yourself that you never imagined possible! It's a mega mad rush!

Have faith, please push through and get rid of them all. Even if only for a while, but I promise you, you'll feel better.

Hissy Fri 17-May-13 07:52:28

Oh yes, and no-one, but no-one should have to put up with what YOU have endured.

YOU deserve better.

freemanbatch Fri 17-May-13 08:16:13

Thank you, all of you

I just had a text from my mum saying she hoped last night 'lanced a boil' and then some questions about the kids. I replied that as they said they saw me as an abusive daughter who they needed to protect themselves from the only thing I could do for them was to stop putting them at risk by making contact with them.

I got a reply saying 'well if you want to play it that way but you could just try seeing it from our point of view and move forward'

For today I'm going to get the kids sorted and try to get the oldest to school without breaking down in tears somewhere and then I'm going to try and have fun with the little one although that might just be cartoon watching.

I'm also going to try and make an appointment with my gp and see if he can point me in the right direction.

Thank you again for your kind words they mean a lot.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 09:04:59

Don't text your mum any more. If she sends more messages just don't reply. If she calls, screen and ignore. Fill your life with people that like you and things you enjoy... not people that don't like you. She seems determined to keep rubbing grit in an open wound and you don't need that. Have a lovely day with your youngest watching cartoons.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Fri 17-May-13 09:10:14

You'll never convince her or get her to examine her own behaviour, apologise, etc. Don't engage: you'll only hurt yourself.

freemanbatch Fri 17-May-13 10:29:45

I've turned my phone off so I won't hear from her or him and I've black listed them all on facebook because apparently that means they can't see stuff but they won't be notified so it will just look like I haven't put anything on there.

I have one auntie who has seen me through all this and she is shocked by them and has been all along but of course she is slightly caught in the middle so I am not going to lean too much on her, she is good for providing funny thing and distraction though so that will help.

Thanks again all of you, I'm not sure how I'm going to sort this out but I am pretty sure that I will smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 17-May-13 10:39:08

I think 'benign neglect' is the best strategy here rather than anything more active. Just get on with your own life, your own friends and your DCs... I'm sure, like the rest of us, you have plenty to keep you occupied. They're 100 miles away... out of sight, out of mind. smile

Lweji Fri 17-May-13 12:02:46

I've only just read this thread, but well done in distancing yourself from these toxic people.

Maybe you should also change phone number if you can, so that you really don't hear from them.

I'm sure you'll be fine once the grieving period ends. They could only make you ill.

freemanbatch Fri 17-May-13 16:29:24

Thank both of you smile

My dad currently pays for my mobile phone, has done since uni, so I've ordered a new one and I'll tell him to cancel the contract on this one when my new one arrives. It will have a new number so I can decide who I give it to and he will have no hold over me at all.

I'm not sure how long the silence from them will go on for but I am really quite looking forward to the idea of them not paying for anything and therefore me being free to make decisions that I want to make.

thanks again.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: