Families - why are they like this!!??

[Dixie]

I have two gripes about families...

My husbands family are okay, they exclude us a great deal and then make a big thing about not having seen our son for ages (their grandson). It's too long a story to go into detail but it happens very very often. I have tried on numerous occassions to be involved, invited them on many an excursion or just round to our house for the day. I've even tried inviting us round to them but I aways get knock backs. Then a month or so down the line I get a phone call saying 'we haven't seen you for so long' and they always imply it's my fault. Then when we do meet up it transpires in conversation that they have been free on various dates I've tried to arrange things or even worse have been shopping at Bluewater (A stone's throw from where I live!)and didn't bother to pop round or suggest I meet them there! IT MAKES ME VERY UPSET & THEN VERY ANGRY WHEN THEY SWAY IT TO BEING MY FAULT!

Another thing they do is give me a really hard time because I don't give my son sweets on a regular basis. He has various forms of fruit or dried fruit such as rasins, prunes etc which really loves but I do my upmost to not give him sweets as I don't see tem as a dietry need. He gets enough enjoyment & satisfaction from dried fruits which contain natural sugars. When he gets older & starts school etc I won't have such a hold on him I know and he'll be open to all sorts of new encounters on the sweetie front but I just feel until then I'm doing him some good with his teeth etc & he really doesn't seem bothered. I would have thought they would be pleased that I'm avaoiding all the sugary nothing foods, but they give me such a hard time about it!!

My other gripe is with my own family and it's upsetting me great deal and need to sound off.

My Brother and my parents haven't spoken to each other for over a year now. At first I would openly discuss the 'ridiculous rift' and tell each 'party' how silly they were being. I explained both sides of the cause to each of them & really played 'the middle man' to no avail. It then started getting more out control and the longer it went on the harder it was for me to convince any of them how silly it all was. So I stopped mentioning it as it was truly a lost cause! My son's 1st birthday party was filled with tension, but both 'camps' attended to join in the day.

My son's 2nd party is now approaching & my brother has said he won't attend as he doesn't want to be round mum & dad again it was to awful & will probably spoil the party. This hurt me a great deal that he couldn't put it to one side for the sake of his nephew (after all this time should be easier than last as they know what to expect from each other). Anyway I didn't say anything but it's been eating away at me.

Anyhow.....Last week my dad collasped, stopped breathing & was rushed to hospital. I had the dilemma of do I tell my brother? Mum didn't ask me to so I was unsure if she & dad wanted him to know but I decided to tell him as I felt he had a right to know & we didn't know the outcome of dad's condition. I telephoned him & told him and he didn't even ask how he was, visiting times or anything...my brother only showed concern for me and if I was okay! It's been 4 days now, dad's condition has improved but still no concern from my brother. It's upsetting me so much that he can be so hard & selfish about it all. I've tried to not think about it and keep telling myself "it's their problem" but it dosn't help.

Now I'm faced with 3 dilemmas.....

1. Do I let on to Mum&Dad that brother was told & didn't respond? I won't offer the info but what if they ask me outright?
   
   
2. If Dad's condtion gets bad again do I notify brother?
   
   
3. I'm pregnant with baby No2 and pondering what to do when it's born. Brother can't bear to be at party for my No1 son so can he bothered to attend hospital to visit me if my parents are there too?
   
   I so so sorry to have rambled on but it's really upsetting me and is constantly in my thoughts eating away at me. I'm trying to put it out of my head as my dad & mum need me right now and also all this upset can't be good for unborn baby....
   
   I just needed to sound off at someone I suppose, and it turns out to by you ladies (AGAIN!)

[Kia]

re baby number 2 and other child's birthday - tell your parents and your brother that if they cannot agree to act like adults for the sake of a child then both parties will not be invited to any further celebrations at your house. My friend has had this situation for years - one side sits in the kitchen and the other in the lounge. She's finally had enough and laid the law down, so they don't come to her house and disrupt her life. She visits them and brings child but doesn't have to put up with their childish behaviour any more.

In your place, re your Dad being ill - I wouldn't tell them that your brother hasn't shown any interest. I always say to people that it's too late to say anything if someone's dead, but this only means something to people who haven't been bereaved! If they ask you right out, just say if they want the answer to that question, they'll have to ring your brother and find out.

But I would say when you come to tell both parties the way life is going to be in future as in paragraph one above(!) then remember how bad you're feeling right now and be strong and take no prisoners! At the end of the day, they're adults and if they want to poison thir own lives then let them get on with it - but they cannot poison yours.

Families! Hah! I'm one of only 3 left of mine and we still have the same problems as you and you'd think we'd have learned our lessons by now, wouldn't you.

[Kia]

sorry, that should read...but this only means NOTHING to people who haven't been bereaved!

[jodee]

Dixie, so sorry to hear the problems within your family. It's really NOT your fault - it sounds like you are trying to please all sides and this is never going to work, as long as both parties refuse to acknowledge that they are in the wrong. As Kia said, you have got to be strong and tell them you are not going to put up with their unreasonable behaviour in your home, they are giving you unnecessary stress, especially as you are pregnant.

I don't know if this will help, it's an American therapy site I look at occasionally, which I find useful: www.psybersquare.com (can't seem to get the link to work!) and click on the 'family' section.
All the best.
J

[jodee]

Forgot to say that there is a messageboard on that site that you can post to as well.

[callie]

Oh Dixie. My heart goes out to you . You have so much on your plate and being pregnant as well.
You must be really worried about your dad as well which is probably making everything else seem so much worse.
I would just let your inlaws get on with it if I were you. There never going to change and its probably just their way. Just ignore them when they go on about sweets ot tell them you've thought about it and decided not to give him any till he starts school as you don't want to rot his teeth. If they arge , let them, just stick to your guns.
Next time they try to blame you for them not seeing your ds say something along the lines of.
"OH dear why on earth didnt you tell me you would be shopping so near by that day.Ds would have loved to have seen you."

As for your parents . Stick by them through this difficult time when your father is ill. Still invite them to the party and try and keep a good relationship going. God forbid anything should happen to your father but if it did you would have nothing to reproach yourself for.

Your brother is a different story. He is behaving v poorly and you really don't need this hassle when your pregnant.
Still invite him to the party but stress he should only come if he can be civil and polite to your parents. I think you have already tried enough to get them talking again and it is sounding like a lost cause. But if your father gets ill again I think you should keep your brother informed in case he does come round.
Please Please try to stop worring about your brother. Do you really care if he visits you in hospital when you give birth. I would tell him to keep away for a while as you dont need any more upset.
I hope things workout for you. Just try and concentrate on yourself and yor children [and dh] and of course your parents who need you right now.

[Janus]

Dixie, so sorry to hear all the worries you're having.
I would agree with Kia and give your family an ultimatum - if they can't be civil for the sake of your boy having a nice birthday party then neither should attend. Don't listen to one saying it will be the other that starts the problems, etc, just get them both to agree to make an effort to try and be civil on the day, nothing more (this may persuade brother to come if he thinks your parents will not say anything he will find upsetting).
I hope your Dad continues to improve and maybe this will give everyone a wake-up call to start making even small efforts.
With regard to your in-laws, I would just ignore remarks about sweets. I give my daughter very similar foods and I'm sure some of my family sometimes think I'm just doing a 'London posh thing'!! My brother laughed when he saw me giving my daughter raisins and said his would never eat 'that sort of thing', I then gave her the packet and she ate the whole lot! He is now a convert and giving her this regularly. Why not suggest with your in-laws that you all meet up the first Sunday of each month (for example) as at least you will have a regular meet up then and they may feel more guilty about cancelling if it is a fixed meeting.
Most of all you don't need this stress and if they are all going to keep on arguing and in laws being evasive then let them all get on with it and just avoid them for a while and you just say you don't need the stress when they finally get round to asking you why you have a low profile.
Good luck.

[Dixie]

thanks girlies, I'm feeling better today...regarding my brother/parents at the party. I've left it alone. The last party I thought went okay considering. It's my brother that felt bad so I'll leave it as his problem not mine. He's the one missing out not me. He's been invited and declined, he's choice can't say he wasn't included.

Dad's condition has improved a lot, still lots of tests to go through but he's doing ok. Must admit I've seen my brother in a different light which I must say I find very selfish & heartless. However, he's my brother & I'll always be there for him even if it appears he's not always there for the rest of us. It's saddening though because I know deep down that if the situation were reversed & it was my brother in hospital then my parents would be there like a shot. It's that aspect that upsets me, that he can make them out to be so bad and undeserving when if the chips were down they'd be the ones pulling out all the stops.....if that makes sense.

[janh]

Dixie, I don't know if this will help but

"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in."

For home, read parents - the other way round doesn't apply. Parents do have an obligation towards their children - they can only hope that their children will continue to love and respect them after they grow up.

I agree that your brother is behaving badly - on the other hand he is being honest (would you really rather he pretended to be concerned just for the way it looks?)- but I don't think he should be punished for it; he is not a bad person, he does care about you and your family, he just doesn't want to spend time with your parents.

He really doesn't owe them anything. You are right that this is his problem - I think that, if you can, you should continue to see him, and your parents, separately, and don't get drawn into any discussions about them/him.

As for your in-laws, their behaviour (her behaviour? is it mostly your MIL?) is just manipulative and childish. I mean, how on earth do they manage to let you know specifically what dates they went to places? I like Callie's line about "DS would have liked to see you" - casually, then change the subject - try not to let them get under your skin! Or else just look blank, as if when they went is irrelevant?

I can see how hard this is for you, with both families behaving badly and you stuck in the middle! Good luck!

[Rosy]

Dixie - I wish I could offer some foolproof advice, but I can at least sympathise. My sister never got on with my parents, and I always felt stuck in the middle. My graduation from university was ruined by her getting in a strop with them, and the only reason she didn't ruin my wedding 3 years later was because I didn't let her (though I still had to look after her children for a bit while I was supposed to be getting into my dress!) Even though I still see her from time to time and I get on with her as best I can, I have never forgiven her for reducing both my parents to tears on separate occasions. My own way of dealing with the situation has been not to get drawn into arguments if possible, even if that means listening to one of them slagging off the other to me, and inevitably seeing less of both of them. This is made easier by the fact they both live hundreds of miles away, and I have adopted my husband's family as my own. (I know I'm very lucky to be able to have that option).

So all I can say is, you're not alone. I hope your Dad's getting on better - situations like that always make me feel like a child again, however old I get.

[LisaV]

Dixie, it's terrible that they are using you as piggy-in-the-middle. I agree with what everyone else has said, it is their argument and you really should let them sort it out. Refuse to be the messenger anymore, they shouldn't be dragging you into their arguments. Do they have any consideration what this stress might be doing to your unborn baby?

As for your in-laws, well my family act just like that too! My dd is my first-born and I live about an hours drive away from my family, they all have cars yet they hardly ever come to see us. I have lost count of the number of times however, that I have got on the train with dd, buggy, bags etc, I have to change trains, then make my way to my mum's house. My brother lives just up the road and yet he expects me to then call in to see him too. I stopped doing that and as a consequence I have not seen him or my nieces since before Christmas.

My mum also gives dd loads of chocolate and cake despite knowing that I am against that. She was even trying to give her cake before I had weaned her! She knows my views and I have talked with her about it, but now she'll simply give her sweet stuff behind my back.

My father lives in Scotland and has seen dd once since she was born. He tells me not to send any photographs as he won't know what to do with it, and he'll only forget who she is anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if families are really worth the effort!

[Kia]

I had another thought about this, sorry! What about saying to your parents and your brother that apart from the unacceptable stress they are putting on you, what about the kind of example they are setting for your children? Perhaps something along the lines of 'What do I say to Brian when he asks me what happens if some mummys don't love their children any more?' They are adults and behaving quite disgracefully towards you - whom they love! Be quite ruthless in shaming them for their behaviour - if they cannot make peace for you, then you cannot and will not do it for them. The other thing is to tell them you dont want to hear another word about the whole thing and if they have any problems they have to sort them out themselves, you have much more important things to worry about - like your new arrival. Good luck, and remember your baby is so much more important than their arguments - this is a new life!