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That's it then isn't

(9 Posts)
Isitjustmethen Thu 16-May-13 20:23:27

A couple of weeks ago I told DP it was over. It's been a long time coming, we've come close to splitting up so many times but every time he talks me round... guilt trips me into giving it another go.

We have many problems, but really it all boils done to the fact that we are incompatible. He's not a bad man but is (i think) lazy, entitled, intolerant and glass half empty. I'm sure he would tell you that i am a neurotic control freak to be fair!

We are poles apart on everything really, particularly money and responsibility. For the first 5 years we were together I pretty much supported him while he drifted from job to job, often with months out in between. He then got a well paid job but whilst he was there I found out that had run up £15k of debts. This was after me begging him to tell me what debts he had so we could sort it out together. He refused and told me repeatedly it was none of my fucking business. It wasn't the money itself that bothered me, it was all the lies. So I told him to go.

He begged me to give things another go. Sent me letter after letter telling me how he realised how stupid he'd been, promising me that he would be completely honest about everything. Stupidly and against my better judgement I agreed. To be fair he has/had been better since. He settled in a job and paid me half the bills. I still paid for everything else for the children and the house. I continued to pay half the bills whilst on maternity leave both times. I've known for a while he has been up to his old tricks as any mail for him would instantly disappear. Again I asked him to be honest with me but he told me he has to get rid of them as I snoop on him.

It really isnt about the money. I know some people are better than others with finances. It's the lying and lack of responsibility. We have to young children... If we both carried on like him we wouldn't have a roof over our heads.

Anyway, the money/responsibility thing was a big part of, but not the only reason I told him it was over. To be honest we have grown apart. . We don't really argue anymore, but there isnt any affection, communication or even respect. We just live along side each other owing our own thing.

As normal he refuses to accept it s over, begging me to give t another go, saying he can't live without me or the kids. Which is ironic because whilst I know he loves them, he really doesn't do anything with them or me.

I have been trying to stay strong but admit I have been wavering. I know I don't want to be with him but I feel awful that my decision means he won't see the children every day. FWIW he knows that I old never stop him seeing the children and have even offered to scrape together the money for a deposit so he can get a flat to have them, buy him a cheap car to pick them up.

Well this evening I went into his bag for a pen. I know I shouldn't of but I looked at his post. Halfway through the month he s already over his overdraft limit, is up to the £7k limit on his credit card and there is a letter with a new pin for another credit card that he was supposed to have destroyed. This is all on top of loan that he took out last year to pay off these bloody cards.

I just can't live like this anymore. He's out now but I am going to tell him to go when he gets back. I know he will try and turn it round on me for looking at his private post sad. Sorry it's so long.

thefoxandtherose Thu 16-May-13 20:30:10

He sounds very selfish, OP. I really don't think he is in a position to take the moral high ground by arguing that you shouldn't have looked at his post. I'm sorry - the irresponsibility would be a dealbreaker for me as well.

Isitjustmethen Thu 16-May-13 20:49:52

Sorry just realised how long and boring that post was. I just needed to get it all out I think.

Thanks thefox - I think he is selfish too. He earns about £400 a month than me (at the moment as i only work 3 days to look after the children), but I have never expected him to pay any more thn half even when I've been struggling to pay back the overdraft I ran up whilst on maternity. I just looked at his last two statements and he's been withdrawing £700-£800 a month in cash angry and its all been spent on himself.

I'm glad to know its not just me it's a deal beaker for. I just feel so sad, and almost sorry for him in a way. He's going to spend his whole life like this. It's not what I want to teach my children. In want them to have fun, but to be hardworking, honest and take responsibility for their own lives.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 16-May-13 21:12:36

I'd be curious as to where all that money goes but in any case it all reeks of a man who coasts along knowing good old Isitjustmethen will pick up the pieces and hold things together. Snooping not for kicks but because you fear the bailiffs coming round. Using the DCs to guilt trip you into staying with him is a low trick.

EllaFitzgerald Thu 16-May-13 21:16:49

That sounds exhausting Isit, like he's just taken and taken and you've got nothing left to give.

RandomMess Thu 16-May-13 21:18:39

You don't have to tell him what you've seen just tell him it's over.

Imnotagilmoregirl Fri 17-May-13 09:30:24

Sounds horrid, really sorry for you on this one. Please stick to your guns with this, you've given him chance after chance. What if you got ill and couldn't work? What if he suddenly lost his job? You know you'll be alright on your own with the kids because you already are. I honestly don't see why you should suffer anymore lovie. Try and stay calm and amicable, but you need to re-iterate that you won't live like this. Good luck xx

AnAirOfHope Fri 17-May-13 09:39:24

What does he spend the money on?

Isitjustmethen Fri 17-May-13 21:48:43

Thank you all for your support.

I confronted him as soon as he got in. To be fair he accepted what I said and didn't turn the tables to make it about me looking at his letters. Said he already realised the error of his ways and was trying to sort it out. I've just heard it so many times before its almost like white noise now.

I have no idea what he has spent the money on. He does have a hobby that would account for some of it, but not all of it. I even asked him if he was gambling - he says no and I actually believe him. I think he genuinely is just terrible with money. He always withdraws large sums in cash and then once it's in his pocket it just disappears.

Anyway I told him I do to want to live like this any more and that we are definitely over. He is veering between blaming himself and getting angry at me for making the decision, even though he says he knows its his fault.

I know its for the best but i just feel so sad and scared. He says that he is going to rent a room rather than a flat so he can pay off his debts, which makes sense but means i will responsible for children on my own 24/7. my biggest fear is that in his hurt he will act in a way that makes it harder for our small DCs. I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot control his actions, only make sure that I behave in an honourable way myself. Strangely I also feel very sorry and worried about him. I know he as brought it on himself but I know he will struggle on his own even more than he does now....

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