Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Advice appreciated(6 Posts)
I just wanted to say firstly I feel silly posting this because some of the stories some of you amazing ladies have been through are horrific in comparison to mine but I really wanted to let this off my chest especially to women who most are older and have more life experience than me. Sorry if this is a little long winded.
Two years ago I started my first gay relationship (I'm 25) with a girl from the Middle East. I fell madly in love with her we had a great relationship. I knew dating her would not be easy due to her culture but I believed she was worth it. She was my best friend and I considered her my family as I live in London by myself and have since I was 18. We had a great relationship but I did realize she had issues. When she was younger she went through a period of self harm and many occasion's she told me she would always be miserable due to being gay and her culture and never being able to come out to her family.
When I met her she was studying in University in another city so I would commute every weekend and she would commute here. She had issues with her University because she had dyslexia and had repeated every year and she was extremely worried about going back to Abu Dhabi after degree and wanted to find a job here. Though it was a sacrifice her family don't live in England so I thought okay well she could get a job here live her for the rest of her life and we could have a life and family here. She proposed to me and it was the happiest time in my life though the future was uncertain and scary. I was prepared if she couldn't get a job here I would move to Abu Dhabi to be with her.
I started to see a little crack in our relationship a year in when she constantly needed reassurance. She was BEAUTIFUL I mean seriously STUNNING very feminine (as am I) you would never believe we were a gay couple to the naked eye but constantly needed reassurance about her looks and she always said she was scared I would leave her. So I invested a lot of time in our relationship building her confidence and making her feel secure. Even though she was 28 I pushed her to model and feel beautiful about herself.
About 8 months ago I started befriended a girl from the internet also gay. She was also in a relationship too and we clicked and got on really well. I was very open with my fiancee that we were just friends who had music in common and I always have been very social and have lots of friends. I spoke to my friend a lot and generally as with modern day technology used my phone a lot. My fiancee didn't like this AT ALL she said I spoke to this girl how I spoke to her when we first met even though I reassured her that we were just friends. I even met my friend once in a coffee shop and was completely honest with my fiancee and kept her updated. She kept checking my convos on my phone with my friend which at first was fine but after the 7th or 8th time I felt like that was an invasion of my privacy and I didn't go through her phone even though she was on a website to meet friends and I completely trusted her and had no issues with that. I can admit where I was at fault because once I was speaking to my friend via messenger and my fiancee asked who I was talking to and I lied and said my mum because she made me feel SO awkward to have my friend like I was doing something wrong even though I had been so open and honest. She said she didn't mind any of my other friends just not this girl because she hadn't met her. But my friend was in a relationship and her girlfriend didn't want to meet us which I had to respect and explained that to her.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I spoke to my fiancee who was studying for her final exams. Exams are stressful but on top of this her results depended on her staying here in this country so extra stress. She called me to say that she didn't trust me and hadn't for a long time since I started talking to my friend. She said she wanted a break. Though I was upset I agreed with her wishes hoping it would make things better. 3 days later I contacted her saying I missed her and since we spoke 10 times a day it was weird not talking to her. She had a job interview in manchester the next day so I called to see how it went. I asked what time she got there and she revealed to me she has stayed the night at a friends house, a gay girl, she met on the internet and hadn't told me because apparently "we" weren't speaking. I was extremely upset about this as SHE was the one speaking about trust to ME then doing that. And explained actually it's not WE weren't speaking YOU decided YOU wanted a break and I wanted to be an adult and respect your decision as hard as it was.
Anyway 6 months earlier we had booked a holiday to Mexico for 2 weeks. She knew I had scrimped and saved for this holiday for 2 months basically not eating to afford it. She messages me saying she had a 2nd interview with the company and they had asked for her passport to process her visa and wouldn't be able to go on holiday. Not a phone call not even a sorry knowing how I suffered to pay for this. I was still understanding because I was so happy she might be able to stay and work here I was just upset at how she handled the situation not even calling me and being quite cold. I told her I didn't like these series of events the past week and found them quite disrespectful. During this 4 week period she was still studying for her exams so I left her alone and was quite hurt since she didn't seem to get that as a PARTNERSHIP all these things affect me too it's not just about her. She told me she would pay me back my money for the holiday because it wasn't my fault and I said that was fine.
Two days later she calls me we are having a normal conversation which after a week of arguing was a relief. She then tells me she would like the ring back to pay my money for the holiday and she would get me another one if we got back together from this "break". I was SHOCKED as it had only been TWO days and it just seems like one thing after the other. I had a long conversation explaining sorry that isn't right how you handled this situation and I am hurt. We spent hours on the phone arguing because she began to run our relationship through the dirt speaking about how if she added up what she spent on me in 2 years it would come to £700 and how I didn't even organize her birthday party for her this year (she's 28 bare in mind!) and how I fell asleep on the sofa on valentines day evening (I had worked a 14 hour day) but I still brought her a gift and card. How over the winter we hadn't been out (going out in open toed heels in the snow is NOT the most appealing thought to me). I explained to her that I didn't think materialistic objects were important and I gave her things money could not buy. I also explained that maybe I hadn't been myself the past 5 months because I had some stressful family issues and I do suffer from seasonal mood disorder and the winter hadn't helped that but since I was willing to stick by her through her VERY difficult situation maybe she could be understanding to mine.
After more convos things got progressively worst more arguing. I had a few days break and thought to myself I think this STUPID she's doing final year exams which do effect things and she's in a really stressful situation. So I went on the internet applied for loads of jobs for her that morning with a cover letter and CV that I spent hours compiling for her. She had turned her phone off for 3 days so I left her a voice message really distraught crying saying how all this had hurt me so deeply however we will get through this together and to turn her phone on in case any jobs called for her. I wrote her a message on FB a long message it took me 2 hours to compose I poured my heart out and told her I would support her through anything and she had changed my life and I was so glad my first girl relationship with her because she was so amazing. I'm not a mushy person at all so it took A LOT for me to do and I know she knew that. I attached a poem and a picture of us saying I hoped we could give things a second go and I missed her dearly. I received a reply along the lines of "I don't love you anymore do not contact me move on you are not the right girl for me I want someone from my culture I will start dating again soon you should do the same take care". I was SHOCKED to say the least. She then text me 30 mins later saying she was worried I would come to her house flat "crying" while her family were here for her graduation and "out her" and even though I was hurt she knew I didn't want that. NO acknowledgement for my feelings or the fact that my life of 2 years was upside down and I had NO ANSWERS. This was a person who always was relying on ME and I constantly was the rock and the one who had hope and in 2 weeks that had completely flipped and reversed roles.
She then called me an hour later saying she wanted someone from her culture and I said why did you propose to me you knew I wasn't Muslim or from middle east for 2 years. I said if there were TRADITIONS you wanted me to do or meant a lot to me you should of sat down and communicated I won't convert to Islam but you a) are gay, you drink & smoke and you don't cover up you are not exactly a doting Muslim! And then came the BOMB. She said that she was going to marry a gay muslim man from her country who lives in England in the summer. Her family are meeting him next month and seen her picture they have lots of money so she can stay in England that way live with him and they both can have their own separate lives. Clearly easier than getting a job like a normal person She told me she didn't even read my FB message and deleted my voicemail. I burst into tears on the phone from shock crying more for her than me. What was so upsetting for me is this was a person who was SO kind so sensitive so nice and in 2 weeks literally did not CARE about my pain my feelings nothing.
This happened on Sunday this last conversation. Since then I think I've had extreme anxiety. I've lost a stone in a week since this happened and been trying to force myself to eat but I'm not hungry. I just don't understand how someone could be that heartless to a person and I NEVER saw this side of her character. She was my best friend and family and even my friends are in complete shock about it. I have night sweats constantly and don't sleep. I just have never felt pain and betrayal like it before. Like I was willing to give up my culture my life I supported her through all her emotional baggage and she just ditched me like I was garbage on side of the road. People say I'm young and i'll get through this and realistically I couldn't of had a family that way but it's like a monster came out of her. I gave my heart everything I had to the relationship.
I'm so lucky I have good friends and family who have been amazing but I just feel like there is a hole in the pit of my stomach and I'm constantly on edge. I trusted her with my life and did not see this coming at all this behavior or personality. She seems completely self obsessed and no respect for the pain or sacrifice I made and the stress I've been through for the past 2 years in this relationship. And I'm wondering how I will ever trust anyone ever again. I am normally the most confident outgoing person. I always get attention from the opposite (and same sex!) and have loads of friends but I just feel that is completely shattered at this time.
Thanks for listening xx
At the end of the day her culture, traditions, etc are more important to her than you are. She has made a decision which for her seems a good solution to the conflicts between her religion/cultural background and her sexuality.
I fear that you won't win on this one and at the most all she will be able to offer you in the future is a secret affair (if that).
You are young, I am afraid painful though it is you are going to have to move on from this.
Look after yourself.
I think it's such a massive shock when you think you know someone and they then behave in a way you could never imagine them doing. I know you feel you will/can never trust anyone again but that is a very normal reaction in the initial stage of a major shock like this.
There are a lot of issues your fiance was dealing with - being gay in a culture where that is a major no-no, the expectation of an arranged marriage, pressure to marry within her faith etc. I expect she felt torn in every direction. Not that makes the feelings of betrayal or hurt any less nightmareish I'm sure.
It does sound on top of the above, she has a lot of general confusion and other problems and the tendency to be self-centred and on the judgemental side as well as rather immature. Doesn't sound like she was ready for an equal, nurturing relationship. Or if she was, didn't know how to go about having one.
I think it's reasonable to be feeling how you are feeling. The older I get (52) the more I think we need to sit with our feelings of upset and hurt for a while and accept them as understandable and normal. The more you fight and try numb them, the worse it can be sometimes.
Be as kind to yourself as you can. Do small things that you enjoy. Tell yourself you can get through this and that you just need time to process it all. Tell yourself it's ok to feel shit about all this. Why woudn't you? It's hard to deal with and sad and a whole other lot of things too. A relationship like this will help you spot warning signs in future partners. It's a very painful learning experience.
Don't rush into looking for another girlfriend. Work on returning to your usual self by being kind and understanding to yourself. When the initial shock and trauma starts to wear off a bit, see how you feel then. If you really don't think you are feeling a bit better in a few weeks time, then counselling might help. You sound like you have a lot of supportive people around you in RL. Lean on them right now and look after yourself.
This girl sounds like she has a lot of muddles in her life, and you are best out of it.
Irrespective of your age, religion or sexual persuasion, having your heart broken is devastating. You need to let yourself feel the pain, and then let yourself heal. And you will.
I'm just coming out of a major heartbreak - it's taken 2 years but it feels so good to (almost) be on the other side of it.
It all sounds very complicated and messy
This girl comes across as very self centred and immature - she is only concerned about herself and I very much doubt she will change.
I would work on detaching from her and focus on being kind to yourself and rebuilding your life.
Join the discussion
Please login first.