Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Narrasistic mother - did you ever hear anything so twisted!?

(17 Posts)
ClementineKelandra Thu 16-May-13 11:13:36

About 12 months ago I decided to cut contact with my mother after a life time of emtional abuse from her. She spent the following year in a complete rage with me, telling lies to others members of the family and trying to bully me into resuming contact with her. I finally decided to try and see if we could work things out and after about 4 weeks of trying to be kind to her she has cut me off! She has blocked all the ways I have of contacting her and point blank refuses to talk to me. I don't know wether to be relieved or angry !!

Ahhhcrap Thu 16-May-13 11:15:41

I would try and be relieve about it.. You tried once again and she's done this. You are the better person in this so cut your losses and move on.

I suspect as soon as you do and stop trying to contact her, she'll be back up to her usual tricks. By cutting you off, it's another form of her being in control.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 16-May-13 11:19:16

Your only error here was to re-establish any form of contact with your narc mother. They are masters of come closer so I can hurt you again.

I'd be relieved actually that I had been cut off; saves me doing the job. Had similar crap from a relation of mine so can speak from direct experience here.

The best revenge here is to live well and to live your life without her in it.
You do not need her approval, not that it would ever be freely given anyway. You did not make her this way either; her own birth family did that damage to her.

Windingdown Thu 16-May-13 11:20:25

Doesn't that just put the final nail in the coffin and prove you are better off without her wierdness, manipulation, lies and nastiness.

This is your get out of jail card - enjoy it!!!!

TigerSwallowTail Thu 16-May-13 11:23:09

Oh you should definitely be relieved about it.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 16-May-13 11:27:43

She clearly just wanted to 'win'. To be the one who walked away. To be the victim.

Just be happy that someone horrible is out of your life. You did more than you needed to do. You were willing to readmit to your life someone who had not earned the right to be in it!

No doubt she expects you to be broken, begging and pleading to be forgiven. You are being punished. hmm Honestly, the best thing to do is to proceed happily with your life and the people in it who you love and who love you and who make you happy and never ever ever try again with her.

ClementineKelandra Thu 16-May-13 12:04:17

I think relief is definately the overriding feeling. I jyst have moments of sadness that my own mother could loathe me so much. I have to keep reminding myself that the fault lies with her.

buildingmycorestrength Thu 16-May-13 12:07:14

Why not both?

The anger comes from having the choice and control taken away from you. Perfectly understandable.

The relief comes from seeing that she is definitely at fault, not you, and the possibility of a future without her games. Perfectly understandable.

CarpeVinum Thu 16-May-13 12:09:56

wot building said.

<nods vigorously in agreement>

buildingmycorestrength Thu 16-May-13 12:11:52

Also, remember it isn't you she loathes. If she is anything like other narcs I know, she hardly knows you, really, because she can't see past herself.

That is also terribly sad, I'm not underestimating that. But it helps me to remember that really, my narc parent doesn't see ME, they see a representation of something in their psyche. So their opinion really doesn't matter because they don't know me at all.

caramelwaffle Thu 16-May-13 12:18:51

I agree with building.

Good luck with building a great new life for yourself thanks

sweetkitty Thu 16-May-13 12:23:14

I'm 4 years no contact with my narc mother. There wasn't a big not speaking thing just that I was fed up of always being the phone phoning her to hear about her tales of woe of course or asking her to visit her grandchildren and I thought "why should I?" That's what she wants really. So I stopped phoning and visiting, about 6 months later I got a letter in a card for one of the DCs telling me to contact her so I wrote back telling her exactly why I wasn't bothering with her anymore, big mistake got one back saying everything was my fault, I think I'm better than her, she doesn't feel welcome, even as a little girl I made her feel she was beneath me (yes a child can do that to an adult) so I though she's ever going to take any responsibility for the things she's said or done huge gas lighting.

I don't know what she says to other family members I don't care really they've never actually said anything. My brother is the golden child and its hard to hear him going on about how much she does for his DS when she's not even met one of my DC hmm

I don't miss her in my life but I really miss having a Mum the kind I see that my friends have.

Anyway sorry to digress I think you are angry at allowing her in again just for her to hurt you again. You are angry you don't have a "normal" Mum.

All you can do is maintain no contact and focus inwards on your own family, keep contact with other family members, if they ask tell them once why you don't talk to her anymore, if they "side" with her then its their choice and your better off without them too.

Take care and you'd not alone there's a lot of us about unfortunately hmm

Be relieved smile

Really.

12, 13, maybe even 14 years for me. Best thin I ever did for me and my daughters

ClementineKelandra Thu 16-May-13 14:07:45

That's very true that she doesn't know me! She definately can't see beyond herself. Everything is about her and how I've made her feel. In her eyes she is the victim and I am the wicked daughter who sets out to hurt her. She even uses my past pnd to demonstrate that I'm 'bit right in the head'.

She's even cut off my children too. My two elder children are teenagers and in Facebook and she has blocked them. I guess they're lucky in a way because they really are better off without her in their lives, as am I.

I have that envious feeling too when I see friends with their Mums. I wish with all my heart I had a mum who would just put her arms around me sometimes or be there when I needed a chat.

Really appreciate all your replies.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 16-May-13 14:43:36

Relief, yes, and the angels sing no matter the road you went down to get there.

This reminds me of the original, very first Stately Homes thread where the OP's first post was essentially the same as yours, Clementine. <<seriously dating myself>> Iirc, her name was Pages.

I think the dynamic at work is that of a six year old where it had to be her idea; as that would relieve her of the responsibility of her own behavior and the consequences there of being her shame or more likely her embarrassment that her child would cut contact. <<<,,,,,,,,here are a few commas to sprinkle in that sentence at will blush >>

I agree this doesn't have any thing to do with you. She will soon find another target.
((hug))

Lottapianos Thu 16-May-13 14:53:54

OP, as others have said, it's perfectly understandable that you may be feeling more than one thing. It's ok to feel angry and hurt and sad - the feeling that your parents do not love you as you would want to be loved it so horrendous and very difficult to bear.

building speaks wise words. I hope things get better for you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now