Oh help, just seem to be stuck in crappy-marital-status-quo-limbo

[Lostwithoutacompass]

Think my head is going to pop, really feel stuck and not at all sure what to do...

Quick recap: My DH and I have agreed that the marriage is over. I instigated it about 8 months ago as have lost (never really had) a physical attraction for him amongst other things. We are pretty good friends, atmosphere at home is ok, no ea etc.

He has said he wont leave the children (we have 3 under 9yrs). Hes a very good father and i hope we could parent 50/50 so maybe he might come round eventually. I am a sahm but looking for a job so i can eventually afford my own place and go from there etc.

In the meantime, we are still sharing a bed, albeit on totally opposite sides of it for the last year. I am starting to tell friends and family that it is not good and won't mend but don't think he is telling anyone other than bare basics to his family. Feels like we agree we are over but nothing else is happening.

I want to suggest we go into separate bedrooms but have the feeling it will go down like the biggest lead balloon in history. seeing know what the right thing to do is whilst not going mad in my head. We get on ok so is this me being petty and it wont actually achieve much other than antagonise him? Or do I just need to get a grip and assert myself?! How much can we move if we are stuck in the same house for the forseeable future? Could this be the key to us starting to live our own lives a bit more convincingly?

Hope this makes sense and sorry for the waffle. Any ideas or feedback massively welcome

[Lostwithoutacompass]

Seeing know = don't know (sorry)!

[RandomMess]

Get single beds or do you have a spare room?

[aftereight]

I'm not sure I cangive you any advice, but I am in a similar situation (though hoping it will improve). DH spent several months in a separate bedroom which made me feel better at the time but caused lots of unspoken bad feeling on his side. Almost as though I was rejecting him afresh every evening. If you are 100% sure that it's over though, I would imagine that separate rooms is prerequisite to starting your independent lives?

[Lostwithoutacompass]

Thanks for your messages. We would have to make some changes to the children's sleeping arrangements but nothing that would directly affect them, other than mummy and daddy having separate rooms would of course..
Aftereight I think there would be a lot of resentment from him but I am sure. Are you still living together and in separate rooms? Have you been in this situation a long time?

[aftereight]

We're back in the same room, have been for 2 months after 4 months separately. The DCs didn't even notice we were in separate rooms either, which surprised me. I hope you can find a workable solution, and will be interested in others' replies. I am cautiously optimistic about my own relationship long term, but wonder if that is just wishful thinking. Like you, I need to regain my financial independence as a priority. It's so difficult, isn't it, especially when the outside world doesn't know or understand the situation.

[Lostwithoutacompass]

I think this is what is also getting to me is that, other than having spoken in confidence to some of my closest friends, our "joint" friends don't know. We are still playing happy families to the outside world.

I think he is still in denial or maybe just very private about it which I do understand but at the same time, we have got to start talking about it openly one day... Am always amazed by previous posts where they decided they were going to separate and then they just did it!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Such arrangements rarely if ever work out at all well and teaches the children that their parents marriage was based on falsehood and lies.

He's being very selfish here and he is not putting his children first by behaving like this saying as well.

You state the atmosphere at home is okay, well you'd like to think it is anyway. Children can pick up vibes that their Mum and Dad are really unhappy with each other and perhaps even blame themselves; is this really the role model you want to be modelling to them now?. Is this really what you want to teach them about relationships?. Surely too it is better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable?.
Suggesting separate bedrooms now is just putting a sticking plaster on a gaping wound, its not going to benefit anyone at all in the long run.

Who's going to call time on this, if the marriage is over as you say then what is actually preventing you from starting divorce proceedings?.

[Vivacia]

I don't think we can say he's not putting the children first. If the atmosphere is calm, the relationship respectful and the parenting is working, it's not wrong.

It sounds more to me that the OP is living a lie rather than unhappy due to any unreasonable behaviour from her husband.

I think the frustration is partly down to you not being absolutely clear what you want. And I think that's normal because you are somewhere between the two extremes of being happily married and having an acrimonious separation. I think you should have a long think about the kind of ideal you want for the next 5 to 10 years. It may be that you want to live in the same house, be the housewife whilst he is the breadwinner, have your own room and personal space and be studying or training for a new career. I think it's only in the last 10 or 20 years that this kind of cooperative but non-sexual relationship has become unusual.

[Lostwithoutacompass]

I have wanted to take things slowly I guess, especially as it all came from me so have wanted to give I'm time to get his head round it. If I could afford to buy a place of my own I definitely would, right now.

I don't think the children do notice any negative atmosphere and possibly largely because I am good at sucking it all up and he probably is too but yes I agree, it's totally unrealistic and unhealthy. I genuinely feel like my head is going to pop sometimes and my "evening" glass(es) of wine are getting earlier...!

It's all down to finances basically. Have no idea what my "entitlements" are and maybe once I had a job I jouls afford the interest only mortgage on the house. I need to do some research. Bu you are right, limbo is dreadful. But it's all so bloody scary that's the trouble...

[Lostwithoutacompass]

I have also just worked out that I am going slowly because I feel guilty that i am doing this to him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He's had enough time to get his head around it. That sounds harsh and it is but this situation cannot go on indefinitely. What if either of you met someone else in the meantime?. You are both preventing yourselves from meeting someone new and the resentment towards each other builds over time.

The children do pick up on all this and living a lie for them teaches them damaging lessons about relationships, ones which they themselves could repeat as adults.

I would seek legal advice asap and clarify your legal position accordingly; some solicitors do offer a free 30 minute consultation.

Its "scary" yes but surely better than what you have now which is living under the same roof with a man whom you can barely stand the sight of.

[Lostwithoutacompass]

Vivacia we crossed threads and I totally agree with your first two paragraphs but in reply to your last one, I do want out of the marriage bacause I want to be with someone I want to be with. A separate room is a temporary but I now realise, a necessary option.

[Hellosummer]

I have been here and sympathise . We spent 6 months in same house but separate - but looking to the outside world everything was ok. I left in April and it was like a weight was lifted :)

[purplewithred]

Yes it is scary. Very scary. And not very nice. But speaking from the other side it's so well worth it in the end.

Glad to see you've decided to move to the spare room. It may well antagonise him but that's his problem to fix not yours. Brace yourself and find a coping strategy that involves you standing your ground and not getting drawn in to discussions - there's going to be a lot of this over the next year or so.

If you are going to see a solicitor for advice about your finances then gather together some basic information first: what the assets of the marriage are (house minus mortgage, savings, pensions including his pensions, anything else of significant value) and what the family income is.

Have a look on Wikivorce for info about divorce finances.

[Vivacia]

"I do want out of the marriage bacause I want to be with someone I want to be with."

And that's fine too. I think people are too quick to advise others to leave a relationship whilst I suspect that many people are very happy in friendship- or companionship- or parenting- based relationships.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

If it's over then it is over and you should not be sharing a bed. There is no real separation here if you continue to live as a couple. If you think he will be upset if you ask him to sleep elsewhere then he is clearly not in agreement with the split and as such you may need to take a stronger line, not a weaker one. You are not unreasonable in wishing to sleep apart from him, by the way.

[Lostwithoutacompass]

Thanks for your feedback, its tremendously helpful and is giving me some much needed perspective and some guts too. I had previously suggested we split the weekends so each if us had children one day each/could do our own thing the other. He refused as he doesn't really have anywhere to go or anyone to see (not saying I do but I don't mind my own company), but now I wonder whether I should bring this up again. Feels like I am gearing up for a whole lot of fun conversations this weekend...

[Vivacia]

"whole lot of fun conversations this weekend"

Can you afford counselling with Relate? They can help couples to separate as well as stay together, and you can attend on your own if your husband won't go.

[Lostwithoutacompass]

I did already go to relate when I was trying to make sense of what I was feeling. I think basically to get some sort of permission for feeling the way I was but yes maybe I should give counselling some thought for the next process. Maybe he would really beneft from that actually.. Thanks for your advice Vivacia.