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My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb(608 Posts)
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Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.
After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.
Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.
Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.
I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.
He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.
Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.
We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.
He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.
I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.
I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.
I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.
I just read this (old) thread following the spam link and was wondering
What happened to MouseyInMyHousey? Hope all turned out OK for you.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I have read through this whole thread with avid interest. I was shocked with the trolling issue, but feel it has really detracted from the main focus if the thread, which was to a) give mousey the confidence, strength, and willpower to finally break away from such a negative partner. But also b) to provide others with a source of strength to deal with potential similar situations.
That said, I feel the need to leave my own words for mousey, I hope you are still reading it OP.
I have been in a similar situation although thankfully for not as long as your 4 years. When I broke away I found a few things helped me to maintain my resolve, they may also help you.
1. I told everyone, I was brutally honest, and they were in return. They made it clear that I would be an utter idiot to take him back, and that made me more determined to show them I WASN'T that idiot.
2. Mum took me to the doctor (at 29 myself I didn't see that one coming!!) the doctor asked me lots of questions and showed me I was suffering from depression. I went on medication for 6 months which very much helped me stay strong.
3. I made sure to keep busy. It meant changes in my lifestyle but also meant I wasn't lonely and didn't miss him.
I'd also suggest deleting his number, then his texts so you can't be tempted in a weak moment to make contact, and whatever, do NOT open the door even a crack if he shows up, you only know he will force his way in.
Okay...I'm not trawling through their
shite site so I will leave it at that. It's a shame, as you say it casts doubt over the motivation of a lot of people posting on here, but don't disregard the really good advice and support you have had and can continue to get
I never questioned at all that this was a trolling thread- and when I saw the link yesterday I said to myself
"what bullshit- that knuckle dragging moron wouldn't have the imagination to start such a thread"
Let's just say there's a new way of trolling. And it's had its desired effect. Which was Mn and everyone playing right into their hands.
I assumed my 'linked thread' had been taken out of context but it hasn't.
There are links to loads of MN threads over there and loads of them coming over here just for laughs, so there's no way of knowing if a thread is real or not or if the replies are even coming from a good place. But I doubt I'll be using MN for anything more than general chit chat from now on.
Ehriic, there's a thread going on another site called arsse forum, called the site we do not mention for fear of the women's wrath.
Read that and all will become clear.
I was puzzling this trolling thing over and wondering why a troll would lay claim to this thread. There's a deleted post near the beginning by 'yargg' and an advanced search shows all their posts have been deleted. Maybe the troll meant they trolled this thread, rather than started it? Still a bit odd though.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
That's the jist of it. But they didn't and I'm not.
I tried to find the link but couldn't, did find lots of other charming stuff though. Glorifying rape, mocking various posters here and joking about people dying of cancer. Their parents must be so proud.
Wordy you and a few others have been particularly helpfull and got me thinking.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Let me get this right
Some inadequate snivelling jobbie from DickheadsRUs.co.uk pretended to have started this thread ?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Sorry all that happened mousey. You are always measured, polite and non-troll like, so it was just for a second. Hope you feel ok.
Whether or not you post, hope you stay with your plan.
And whatever happens here, it's real life that counts (true for all of us)
mousey really sorry for jumping in withan accusation, it didn't occur to me that someone would be pretending to have authored this thread
Hope you continue to find your thread useful
AOF I assumed my thread had been deleted because of something I posted in AIBU last night under n/c, nothing offensive but only think I could think of.
Turns out some sad little fucker from another site has been linking to my thread saying ha, ha I started this thread because they basically seem to hate women and everyone on MN, seem that they think we all hate men and want to grow our armpit hair.
MN have investigated and I assume (I hope) realise that I'm not a troll so it's back! It's slightly frustrating when the horse/bunny debacle is still ongoing.
I might ask MN to move this thread to the other place as I don't really like the idea that a load of pathetic blokes are having a good laugh at me and that way I can still come back to it.
But you're right AF, I have had some sound advice already and have been using the thread now more as a check in to vent.
It has taken my mind off other stuff though.
<Blinks eyes and squints>
What the Fuck happened then ?
Mousey, come back and read your thread whenever you need to. The good advice you got still stands
And remember the pm function, too x
Thanks scarlet, although I have a feeling now that some people will always be a bit suspect of me now so this thread is probably dead.
I think I've been a bit niave in thinking posting here is a bit anonymous and that the only people reading are the ones replying and chatting to me. Didn't imagine for a second some little fuckwits would be reading and having a good laugh and spewing their bile. I've posted some pretty personal stuff on here, some under a n/c which was I assumed why the thread was pulled.
It's scared me off a bit now so think I'll give it a rest and stick to more general topics.
Phew! Glad that got sorted mousy!
Blimey, kind of glad I don't work at
gin towers MN towers now!
We thought, as Platinumstart and others did, that since this thread had been linked to on another site, which was discussing how to troll Mumsnet, that the OP was less than genuine.
However, the OP has now come back and we realise that we have been mislead, so we've reinstated the thread.
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