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My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb

(608 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 17:15:43

Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.

After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.

Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.

Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.

I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.

He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.

We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.

He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.

I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.

I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.

I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 19:51:11

I do understand I really do, my dad was a let down so I know how horrible it is.

Luckily when this holiday was supposed to take place dc was very little and didn't understand. However as dc has got older I have taken to not always telling them things are going to happen until they actually do, where boyfriend is involved and there's a possibility he could let us down. And I realise this is no way to live sad

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 15-May-13 19:53:26

I can understand that he makes you feel secure some of the time.

If he was shite all of the time then you wouldn't be with him at all!

However, a decent relationship should always feel like that. Not just when it suits him.

IrritatingInfinity Wed 15-May-13 19:58:57

I do also find boyfriend very critical of dc shock shock sad

That is a really sad thing to hear. I feel for your DC.

tribpot Wed 15-May-13 19:59:08

Who owns the car he bought you, OP? Is it in his name?

I do also find boyfriend very critical of dc, and often find myself stepping in

This feels like a very strange thing to admit after so many previous posts. Why the hell are you obsessing about pleasing someone who is so critical of your dc?

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 20:02:21

sad Mousey

If I sound angry, it's because I know your and your DD deserve better, and I don't "know" you (iyswim).

It is easier said than done, I know that, but I reckon you will be surprised how much better you both feel in a short space of time after you've made the break.

georgedawes Wed 15-May-13 20:03:49

Do you think the fact your dad wasn't great is one of the reasons you're putting up with so much shit now?

HamsterDam Wed 15-May-13 20:08:46

i could have wrote your op 6 months ago. got together when ds was a baby and exactly the same on off push pull cycle. i don't know why they do it but i know you will feel better if you take control and put a stop to leaving him. wish i had done it sooner. you are missing opportunities to meet a real partner who has the intention and capability to love you and your dc as much as you deserve by wasting any more time with this selfish excuse for a man

lottieandmia Wed 15-May-13 20:12:12

Mousey - if you can't remove this waste of space for yourself please do it for your son.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 20:12:50

I own the car it's in my name. I'm not too concerned about the car as he isn't going to want or ask for it back. It's more the fact that I can't understand why he bought me such a big gift as a gesture supposed to show we are a proper couple. Only to Falk out again.

Him being critical of dc, I'm not sure if I'm just being precious. There is general whinging about dc programmes being on in the day, things like if he's taken dc to swimming lessons and I ask how dc did he will be like 'oh ok but you know what dc is like, didn't listen, did the wrong thing'. Or for example I want dc to learn to ride their bike, I would like boyfriend to take more of a role in this but he sees it ad hassle. He doesn't say that but his attitude is more dc is unteachable rather than its out fault for not putting the time in.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 20:14:03

Fall out again

lottieandmia Wed 15-May-13 20:18:30

It seems to me you've been stuck in this so long you can't see the wood for the trees. Precious? I would be livid if any partner of mine was not supportive of my children and made negative comments about them.

Children who heard negative comments on a regular basis grow up with issues and are unable to achieve as well as they should (this was me - my parents were crtical of me all the time and they still can't see it)

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 20:21:31

You are not being precious.

Why are you obsessing over his motives? Honestly, who cares?

He is being abusive to you and your kids. I'm getting angry again at this useless wanker making nasty undermining comments to your DC.

FGS don't end being one of those dreadful, pathetic women who put their need to be partnered up above their own DCs welfare.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Wed 15-May-13 20:23:40

If he is to be a father to your DS, his love and support should be unconditional. Not picky.

Notfootball Wed 15-May-13 20:24:26

Your child is going to grow up thinking that this is a normal relationship. Do you want that? If not, LTB.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 20:25:10

My dad was critical too p
lottie, that's why I'm unsure if I'm being precious. He doesn't do or say anything horrendous but I find it generally irritating. We could be all sitting eating a meal and I might be chatting to boyfriend about something and he won't be listening he'll be watching dc eatong, Y
the way dc I'

is eating or making a bit of a mess and jump in. I was taking dc to football and I felt boyfriend just rubbished it because dc didn't get it right away. I've also had to intervene with them arguing over whose turn it is to have their channel on which I just find pathetic. Boyfriend not my dc.

Viviennemary Wed 15-May-13 20:27:32

There are three things. One you can hope he changes and becomes the person you want him to be. (This is not likely) Or you can put up with things as they are. (You don't really want to do that as you are not happy) Or call it a day and try and find happiness with somebody more suitable. You know yourself what is the right thing and try and find the courage to do it.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 20:30:23

Mousey what about your DC?

Don't you think they deserve better than this?

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 20:32:03

The stuff with dc and boyfriend has only really become apparent to me more recently as dc is getting older and more of a personality of their own. Just one dc btw I'm trying not to say gender. Boyfriend was always very nice and loving with dc as a baby and toddler. Still is, but I do feel sometimes he's just waiting to jump in and moan about something. And my dc is generally well behaved, lovely and typical for their age.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 20:33:43

It doesn't have to be anything horrendous. The constant drip drip drip of low level nastiness is actually much worse than (for example) a one off comment made in anger. Not saying that's good either, mind you.

Mouseyinmyhousey Wed 15-May-13 20:34:52

Flipp, I do, of course I do. I think perhaps I've been so caught up in it I don't always see things as bad as perhaps they are

Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self. His true self. His real self. This is who he is. Sometimes he changes for a bit to keep you sweet. But his old self, as you put it, always comes back.

Now, given that he has shown you many times who he is, don't you think you deserve more?

Your posts are sounding as though you think if only you could find the magic key...the miraculous thing that will make him be different, make him be who you want him to be, then everything would be all right.

But maybe you could try thinking of things in a different way. Instead of thinking what can you do to please him, make him happy, make him live the way he agrees he wants to live but actually doesn't, can you think about the fact that the man he really is does not make you happy, does not fulfil your expectations and hopes. So instead of keep hoping that he will make you happy, can't you decide that actually, he won't, and he doesn't, and he hasn't. Made you happy.

And as over the four years he has proved that he really, really won't, then it is time to LTB, and give yourself a chance at a happy life.

In your op, he doesn't exactly sound like a prize. So I hope you feel that, really, you are worth more.

quietlysuggests Wed 15-May-13 20:37:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LastTangoInDevonshire Wed 15-May-13 20:39:18

You know what to do OP - and PLEASE PLEASE make sure you do not get pregnant with this waste of space!

ChasedByBees Wed 15-May-13 20:42:41

For goodness sake, just LTB. You might find him hurtful, but he will conpletely destroy your DCs self esteem.

flippinada Wed 15-May-13 20:43:23

His treatment of your DC is the worst aspect of this sad situation. It's abuse. It's not in your face but it's abuse nonetheless. I make no apologies for saying that.

Perhaps I'm speaking out of line here but I do believe that anyone looking at this from an outside perspective would agree.

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