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My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb(608 Posts)
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Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.
After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.
Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.
Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.
I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.
He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.
Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.
We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.
He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.
I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.
I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.
I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.
That's why he lied and pretended he only had the day off.
Nothing wrong with wanting a bit of time off to yourself, but let's face it, if we were together in the family sense he probably wouldn't use a weeks holidays to lounge around on his own.
This is the type of person ou want to turn into a 'dad' for your child?!
He is, as SBG will tell you, what's known as a 'cocklodger'. He is using you. He treats you nicely occasionally, to keep you sweet.
No, no he is not father material is he? And what if you had a child with him? I doubt he would turn into a great father.
Mousey you'd think so at 30 but I know a man in his mid 40's just like this. Don't wait for him, get on with your life and pleasing yourself and your DS.
And everyone who knows him, knows the problem is with him, not the girlfriends who are all lovely, but changed every 3 years or so.
I think it speaks volumes that you think him graciously allowing you to feed him his dinner in the evening, instead of his Mum, is a step forward in commitment.
It reminds me of the tale of Anne Boleyn going nuts at Henry VIII because she found out he was still allowing Katherine of Aragon to mend his shirts. Anne was outraged as she thought she ought to be the one with that honour. And we all know how that one ended.
Yes, it's normal for people to be flakey when they're teenagers but if they haven't grown out of it by 30 they never will.
What does he contribute to the relationship? I was in your position this time last year and I realised I had grown tired of trying to please him all the time and actually I couldn't rely on him for anything. I didn't dare ask him for help if I needed it, because he always had an excuse or made me feel like I was putting him out. I ran around after him trying to make everything perfect and still he found fault with everything I did. I cooked for us, helped look after his kids when they stayed with us, helped out on his smallholding, helped him with all sorts of things, and frankly he did fuck all for me. I spent ages choosing his birthday present and making it really special; he bought me a bunch of reduced stuff from the shop at work.
As someone on this board always says, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
So basically you've taken over from his mum?!
Oh all sorts lottie he once promised to take me away for my birthday, then randomly fell out with me over nothing. He then admitted it was because he'd booked to go away with his mum and dad but said he'd like me to come too, we got dc's passport, I booked time off work, got new clothes, we had a little tiff about a week before over an outfit for dc and he decided I couldn't come on the holiday after all, he told his family I didn't have the money to come after all and made me look a right idiot. He changed his mind when he got back, told me he'd had a terrible time without us and booked for the 3 of us to go away.
I've caught him chatting with women he's met in chat rooms, flirty chat, although this was all a while ago.
And just lots of stupid things, lying for the sake of lying almost.
The stuff you're describing goes way beyond flakey or commitment-phobic. OP, he does the big grand gestures and then withdraws his affection because he wants to mess you about. He likes you confused. It gives him pleasure to see you upset and using all your energy trying to figure out how to make him happy. He lies for the sake of it because he wants to see how much of his bullshit you'll suck up. For him, this relationship is working perfectly.
Just dump him. Don't agonise over it for a second longer. Delete his numbers, block him on Facebook, give him back anything you owe him and start enjoying life without him. It should be a simple as that. No DRAMA, just do it.
You both sound like teenagers (sorry).
It is sad that you are afraid of telling people, I suspect anyone that knows you well and cares for you will be pleased.
Good luck and be strong.
Well when you put it like that! Don't get me wrong, he does stuff, he'll make tea for us probably once a week, he'll sort breakfast out we usually take it in turns, he'll wash up (not very often) he does the odd bit of DIY although nothing to get excited about. He'll look after dc if I want to go out no problem, he will sort bedtime out, again probably once a week. I've got no real big complaints with the amount he does all things considering.
But we're not a team, it's all very adhoc, and his stuff always comes first. I want it to be like the nice times all the time.
He doesn't want what you want, mousey.... He's made that very clear. So there's no future for you here.
He sounds like a low grade sociopath. Have you posted about him before, because the story seems familiar?
Either way he has to go. His comings and goings are upsetting your child.... and you.
No, I'm sure he's not awful all the time, because if he was that bad you wouldn't have stayed as long as you have. But basically he wouldn't pull these dramas every so often unless it suited him, would he. The nice times all the time is what any sane person would want. So he's getting something out of acting like he does.
He sounds horrible. The fact he is nice omeof the time and then nasty at others seems almost worse. He sounds manipulative and sneaky. How can you love someone who lies to you and does the things he does to you? I am sorry but I don't understand it.
Do you think his behaviour will improve? Yes or No ?
There are lots and lots of men out there that treat their partners with respect, don't lie to them and don't feel the need to generally be a bastard. Wouldn't you prefer someone like that.
I understand you have invested a lot of time and energy in him but sometimes you have to cut your losses.
I have previously wordy yes.
I think it's very easy as an outsider to look in without any emotional involvement, and the decision seems simple, if he would just be upfront and say he doesn't want any commitment it woudl be more straightforward, but he never, ever says that, he always says he absolutely does, but I'm stopping him by doing x, y or z, or I'm not giving him chance to sort things out. And yes it is strange to love someone who has treated you badly but of course day to day he is quite lovely.
Most people are talking from experience though, either their own of that of someone they know.
I don't know what you're hoping to get from this thread, you're quite obviously going to stick with the status quo.
He doesn't say because either he has no insight into himself, or he is too scared it will leave him without his safety net.
Again, either is not good.
Listen to what he does instead
We have all loved someone who was not that into us. In my case it luckily only lasted a few months. He cheated on me , twice, and that broke the camel's back.
You've had 4 years of it. If he doesn't know now, he never will. Don't let him mess you and your son about any more. Take control
I should probably as, although I don't know if this makes the slightest difference. We live in different towns, about a 20-30 minute drive apart. He works about an hour from my house and his job is quite specialist and he often has to pick people up in his town and travel around meaning he has to leave at 6.30am and doesn't get back until 6.00-6.30pm. He gets really tired and has used this as his reason for not moving in, as he says he needs to either get a new job or live with the travelling. He says he can't get a new job as what he does is quite specialist. I'm not entirely convinced that he couldn't get a new job, as he has qualifications and skills that could be used more widely, however he is very shy and I think he would find it difficult to change jobs as he's been there so long and gets to work alone most of the time. I would have considered moving to his town but he put that off at the time, and now my dc is at school so there is no way I will uproot my dc.
He doesn't actually say he won't move in, he just puts it off and puts it off until it brews into an arguement. I do wonder if that wasn't an issue we would be living together or if I'm just kidding myself.
And I also think that he sounds like someone in his late teens/20's.
Sorry, that was rude.
It's frustrating hearing you tie yourself in knots trying to understand him. The fact that you are in any doubt as to what his motivations are is strange, given how long you have been together. I admit I come to this from the POV of someone who has been with the same person for donkey's years
jamie I think I find it hard to accept perhaps that he's not that into me, I'm sure he can't be or he'd commit, but then I think, would you really buy a new car for someone, or take them on holiday if you wern't that into them.
Also when we're together he's very loving and attentive, very affectionatte, wanting to cuddle constantly, the other day we were going out and he said people must look at us and think what is she doing with him as he's overweight and looks a state, he tells me every day I look gorgeous even when I'm in my scruffy old pyjamas. People comment on just how 'into' me he is in terms of his body language. It is all very confusing for me.
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