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My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb(608 Posts)
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Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.
After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.
Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.
Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.
I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.
He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.
Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.
We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.
He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.
I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.
I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.
I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.
I did take the key he'd had cut although I can't be totally sure they're aren't more. I can look into cost of changing locks. I don't feel happy now, even though I'm sure I'm in no danger. and have bolts when I'm inside its just the thoughts that someone I trust so little could potentially have access to my home.
Please get in touch with Womens Aid today. Get the ball rolling. You come on a huge leap when you talk to someone from Womens Aid, especially as they will assign you a support worker. There's something about a rl person talking in a focused way about the situation that really helps to bring clarity and strength. xx
Thanks springy, I suppose I just feel as though it's not serious enough for WA as there's not violence, I am starting to think he's EA but not in an obvious way. He doesn't shout, name call, anything like that.
What would I say to WA, what would I ask for? Is it just about emotional support? Counselling?
It took me many years (too many years ) to realise I was in a domestic abuse situation. I thought I was a fake because I was never hit. I read all the blurb but didn't dare approach any agencies.
However, I was very seriously abused. He was probably too clever to hit me tbh. anyways, your situation is domestic abuse. He forces you to do what he wants, he harasses you, trashes your boundaries, emotionally seduces you (promises), has secret access to your property (so you are worried he will gain entry when you are not there) without your permission. He won't take no for an answer, he insists on doing what he wants. He marks his territory by moving in his stuff. he keeps you short of money. He books holidays then changes his mind (headfuck), which keeps you off-balance, on the back foot. He knows he can use the kids to get to you so he uses them.
A clear indicator that you are being abused is that you are confused and finding it hard to hold your boundaries; in fact, are losing sight of what your boundaries actually are because he bombards you. Your confusion and disorientation point very squarely to the fact that you are being abused, controlled and dominated by him.
So, that makes you a victim of domestic abuse, which makes you a candidate for help and support from a specialised agency. Just tell WA your story and they will take it from there. They are the experts and know what to offer and how to support you. You may feel better sending an email if you find it hard to find the words verbally. This thread may be a good thing to send.
Good luck, sweetheart. Plenty of us have got away from men like this xxx
oh, and find your nearest Freedom Programme -- click the Search button on the top middle row to find a group near you.
WA will point you to the Freedom Programme, anyway, as part of supporting you to work your way out of the relationship. It really helps to meet other women in a similar position. Part of the power of domestic abuse is the shame, embarrassment and isolation - meeting other people in the same position strikes a serious blow to those.
Hi mousey I agree with everyone else; you are being abused. He's doing this deliberately so you don't know which way is up.
I mean the holiday thing - booking it then cancelling it the next day - a normal person wouldn't behave like that. You mentioned earlier in the thread that he's done this before.
The reason why all this is escalating now is because he senses you're getting stronger.
I also think it would be a great idea to call WA today. Please do it, you will be so glad you did.
You must be utterly exhausted. I just couldn't cope with that level of drama in my life. WA will take you seriously, you don't need to have a black eye.
So what if he loses money on the holiday - his loss.
I'm going to PM you if that's ok.
Mousey, it would be very worthwhile speaking to your local police Domestic Violence officer for advice (and there doesn't need to have been actual violence for them to help you - his behaviour is clear cut harassment - you ended it, he wouldn't take no for an answer).
If you end it again, they can make sure that he is not allowed to pull a stunt like the shouting through the letterbox again. He would be warned at the very least for harassment, and potentially arrested and charged if he tries it again. (and trust me, I am sure that your neighbours would much prefer the police turn up and deal with it rather than having to listen to some twat shouting through the letterbox).
Very often the police DV units have Women's Aid workers co-located with them. Someone I know well got her locks changed for free by the local Crime Prevention officer because she was being harassed by her ex.
I am starting to think he's EA but not in an obvious way. He doesn't shout, name call, anything like that. Trust me, it is glaringly obvious how abusive he is - read Springy's post above - she spells it out very well.
Yes it is fine to PM. And yes I am completely exhausted, I'm an exhausted, insecure wreck.
Yes he has done something like this before regarding holidays. It was about 2 and a half years ago and he'd said he'd like to take me away for my birthday. Was going to book something as a surprise, just a couple of nights somewhere in the UK. Anyway one day he just finished with me out of the blue, even back then it wasn't the first time he'd finished with me, so I was sick of it, told him where to go. Then as usual he started begging me back. Turned out the reason he'd dumped me was because he'd arranged to go away with his mum and dad on holiday so wasn't going to be coming away with me for my birthday after all. Worst of it all was he was flying on my actual birthday.
Anyway his big idea was that I could come with them, I agreed so we sorted everything out, I booked the time off work, got some new clothes. About a week before we had a tiff over me buying my dc a certain item of clothing that he didn't think I should. He told me I couldn't come on holiday finished with me, told his parents it was because I didn't have the money which wasn't true.
This holiday he suggested, he came over one day full of the joys of spring, put dc on his lap and said we should go on holiday. It was the same day he said we'd go out for a meal at the weekend.
I feel as though I can't believe a single word he says. I don't even know if he goes to the shops if he is coming back. I think since he came over that morning there have been about 5 or six things he's said we'd do or he'd do that he didn't. He's still lying about all sorts.
I'm questioning myself again about everything, because he's telling me things are my fault. I know it's having a horrible effect on dc because dc is starting to not want him to go to work.
Thinking about it he is doing more and more horrible things to dc. He said dc was being a big baby at swimming, the other night dc got up in the night with a bad tummy and asked him for some help to wipe his bum. The reason is dc had a bad tummy a while ago and ended up getting in a real mess so it was sensible to ask for help. He thought I was asleep and told dc to do it himself. I said no because dc will end up in a mess and poo everywhere and he just said 'well he's got boxers on'. He also does this thing where he'll say to dc 'who's your favourite', and if dc doesn't say him he'll say 'oh don't you love me' and pretend he's going to go, dc has actually ended up crying and he just hugs dc and says he was only joking. I'm starting to think this is really horrendous behaviour but he's diguised it as joking around or at worst being a bit thick and I've been so stupid I haven't stopped this.
I did mean what I said when I ended it, but since he's been back things have just been even worse.
I am listening regarding women's aid. I just need to find some courage to take the step in involving rl help. I obviously do need some help.
I honestly don't think he is ever going to change. In fact, he seems to be getting worse (or perhaps you are now recognising it for what it is?).
He sounds like he is really horrible to your child. He sounds uncaring, but completely willing to mess with your child's head. He has done exactly the same thing with you.
He sounds seriously fucked up, but it shouldn't be your problem. Have you anyone who could go along with you to WA / police to support you? They wouldn't need to go in with you, but wait outside and bring you for a coffee afterwards?
Oh mousey, he is going to completely fuck up your DC. He is abusive - to you but just as much if not more so to your DC. Get him out now.
If my neighbours partner was shouting through the letterbox and obviously being harassing (particularly emotionally abusing a child which he was) I'd give a small cheer when the police arrived and have huge respect for her.
So what if things are awkward at work? No-one ever died from awkward. Also, I know you've not told us the work situation but your views on what people will think are skewed so it might not be as bad as you think.
So what if he blames you for wasting money on his holiday? It's his money and he's the one playing games about cancelling it. It's nothing to do with you once you've ended it so you won't even have to hear about the money. Don't speak to him, don't in any way engage. Just get him out.
I wonder if you could explain his tricks to your DC in a child friendly way?
So perhaps, "it's not very nice for a grown up to make a child feel guilty. Asking about who he loves the most is very silly isn't it?"
Then when he shouts through the letterbox, you could say, "he's trying to make us feel guilty so we'll open the door, isn't he silly?"
I only have a toddler so I don't know how wise this would be - perhaps others could give opinions but I think it would be good to train your DC to see through his tricks.
Remember - if he loved you, he'd respect your feelings and wishes - even if that meant things ending. He's treating you and your DC like playthings or possessions.
Please find the strength to ditch him again. No man is worth staying for just for a holiday or money or household stuff. You know that deep down. You can do it, you really can. The relationship sounds horrendous now, he sounds angry and like he's trying to hurt you and your DC in horrible passive undermining ways.
You deserve better, you really do. We are all here, supporting you.
What RL support do you have that you can rely on? Any male friends or friends partners/husbands you can call on to be there when he's there, to back you up/tell him to fuck off.
I'm 5 months in something similar, although my ex wasnt as bad as this for persistance. He was still a carrott-dangler though. Yes, its been hard trying to let go and move on, and there have been times when I have felt lonely and like it's all my fault and like I desperately want him back. But the biggest thing which has stopped me is I dont have the anxiety any more, its gone. I have peace in me. No more niggling gut, no more justifying, no more trying to work him out. It takes time to get there, but you WILL GET THERE.
I never thought I'd be able to do it and stick to it either.
Oh Mousey I'm not surprised you're exhausted what with his nasty mind games. Anyone would feel worn out with the constant emotional drama.
If you feel you need a push to call WA just think about what he's doing to your DC. It's messing with your head and you're an adult. Just think what it's doing to them. Anyone who would do that to a young child really is a nasty, nasty piece of work.
And by the way there is no need to apologise for coming back. Sending you some .
"If my neighbours partner was shouting through the letterbox and obviously being harassing (particularly emotionally abusing a child which he was) I'd give a small cheer when the police arrived and have huge respect for her"
Me too. And I'd whoop and cheer when the police took him away too. No kidding!
Sorry for multiple posts but another thing has popped into my head. If you are close to an MNer (there's a good chance) then they could give you some support if you don't have anyone else close by you can rely on. Just give an idea of general area maybe?
Can I come back to this thread? I don't know if support has ran out.
But I'm afraid that I'm getting depressed. My whole self worth seems to be based on his approval and my existence on his every whim.
I seem so guliable that I'll believe anything I want to hear.
I almost feel that I don't. even know who I am anymore, what I think or what I want, but that I'm validated by being some twats girlfriend who might eventually miraculously change and then it will all be ok.
I'm on the brink of the next big drama
This is mumsnet mousey.... support won't run out.
He has messed with your head, but it's reversible. Don't worry.
Did you manage to find any RL support?
Of course you can come back, love.
I'm assuming you haven't rung WA yet. I really wish you would. That doesn't have to mean 'involving real life help' - it can just be for a chat, to sort your head out a bit.
Are you able to look back at the last few months, since you first posted, and identify what it is that's stopping you calling a halt to all his drama? Why is his approval so important to you? I ask this supportively not critically btw - because understanding why we do what we do, is the first step towards making changes.
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