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My boyfriend hates my guts, please help me ltb(608 Posts)
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Back story is that I have been with my boyfriend over four years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, dc was a baby when boyfriend and I got together so boyfriend is all dc has ever known as 'dad'. Relationship was great to begin with and it was always envisaged that we had a future, marriage, moving in together, him being a parent to dc. He talked about the 'future' moreso than me as I didn't go in to it expecting anything.
After about a year together a started wanting a bit more. Eating together as he'd always eat at his mums, planning to move in together, him not dropping me last minute to see mates, him not speaking to women online he'd met on chatrooms. He withdrew massively at this point and I was made to feel as though I was mental and possessive for wanting a bit more commitment. And I actually doubted myself in a big way.
Since then I'm ashamed to admit he's pretty much treated me like shit, he's very good at taking me for a nice dinner or buying me a lovely present but he's pulled so many stunts, breaking up with me, lying and going behind my back, leading me up the garden path only to drop me like a lead weight, I'm mad really not to have just called it a day. I can't possibly go into it all as I'd be here all night but he has pulled some pretty rotten stunts.
Around Christmas time after something else happened I decided enough was enough and ended things. He wasn't too bothered at first but after a few weeks started begging me to get back together, he knew he'd been an idiot, knew he needed to commit, hadn't realised what I meant to him and what he really wanted in life.
I'd had a good few weeks to think things over in my own head and had decided that I wasn't crazy for wanting a boyfriend who was a partner, who after 4 years together would move in, get married, let me get closer to his family as they so desperately want but he's kept me at a safe distance. I knew what I wanted and told him so and that I wasn't going to pretend anymore.
He agreed it was absolutely what he wanted too. He made a huge gesture and bought me a new car as my old one was falling apart, well I put a bulk to it and my old car as deposit but he put most of the money to it. This was one of the things we have argued about in the past as he has a sports car sitting in the garage, a nearly new car, a sports bike and a work van, while I was driving me and dc round in a car with the brakes going. While boyfriend was happy to lodge in my house half the time letting me feed him and do his washing. So I suppose it was his way of showing me that he does care.
Things were a bit better for a few weeks, but then he just went back to his old self.
We just had a lovely weekend it was his birthday and I took him shopping to buy some gifts, we went for a nice meal, got on really well.I raised the subject of the future and it's all come tumbling down again. He's decided that I'm not happy as I'm always 'at him' about moving in or getting married. He needs some space as he can't see how it's going to work. With him this usually leads to weeks of not speaking until he decides he misses me and got it all wrong.
He left a few things here at the weekend and has snuck back in while I was at work to take them. He doesn't have a key and he'd actually snuck my back door keys out so he could get in when I wasn't here. I've also found out he's had the week off work and made out he only ahd the day off, probably because he was scared I might have a few days off too.
I don't know what more I can do to make this man happy, I'm a nice person, I'm kind and I love him very much, I think that I'm attractive and I'm sure he finds me attractive, we have fun and lots of laughs, we've lots in common, we get on well generally and I feel a spark as in we always have lots to talk about and we're very affectionatte to one another.
I can't be doing with the games anymore, all I want is a normal life together but he seemingly doesn't want the same as me. He has a new issue with me every few months. It's getting ridiculous, my dc has started missing him terribly when he goes home and even crying for him.
I have to call it a day don't I? But I don't know how to stay strong.
Actually, I have just remembered why I have such a vehement dislike of flowers. It is so effing manipulative. It says: I have spent lots of money on these showing you how much I care. You are supposed to be grateful, and like them. Not only that, I am showing everyone else what a great guy I am. And I expect you to be reminded of all this every time you look at them.'
That dreadful ex of mine used to do that. As if a few dead stalks erases being an utter wanker.
I hope you gave them to someone else.
Actually I was going to ask, the flowers are sitting in my hall, what to do? Keep them, give them away, bin them?
Oh if you like them, I'd keep them. They mean nothing of themselves, they're flowers. Not their fault they were bought by a twat! If they make you feel uncomfortable/guilty though, then bin or give away.
Enjoy them for what they are - I.e. lovely flowers
I'd bin them. They're a reminder of him, even if subconscious. You need to be thinking about him less not more. Get rid IMO.
Hmmm, if they give you a jolt every time you see them and remind you of him, then give them away or bin them.
If you like them because they're pretty, and colourful, and smell nice, and you like flowers, then keep the.
Personally, I like flowers once they've dried out and gone those beautiful subtle shades of the colours they once were. I've got 4 vases of dead, dried out flowers in my house atm. You have to be careful moving them as they are so dessicated they fall apart at the drop of a hat. I spray them with hairspray in the hope it helps keep them whole. It doesn't work if a cat jumps up and knocks them though
Do you know what I feel like, I feel like I can't properly start getting over the relationship until he stops contacting me, because at the minute it still all doesn't feel quite real. Because I'm still going between feeling angry and guilty.
And I don't feel completely in control because I don't know when he will give in.
They probably will remind me, and remind me of flowers in happier times. But I'd feel too wasteful and guilty to throw them, and to even give them away.
It's weird because I'm almost worried what he'd think, I know he'd be annoyed if I bin them or give them away, but that's irrational because he's not even going to know.
I would just chuck them in the bin.
You've ended it. It's over.
His attentions are unwanted.
He wasted those flowers, not you.
He has to accept it's over now.
Old people's home?
There are lots of places where flowers would be greatly appreciated, if you can't being yourself to bin them. As you think they will remind you of him, it looks like the most sensible thing to do is to give them to smeone else.
He's put you through hell, on and on; yet you feel guilty because of a transient, and suspect, gesture. You're worried you're going to 'hurt' him by getting rid (of him and the flowers)?
Perhaps have a look to see if there's a CoDA meeting near you.
OP? how's it going?
(please don't say you've caved
to his vile charm . ok, if you have caved, come back and talk it through..)
Mousey, how are things? I assume from the radio silence that the flowers worked and you are back together.
Don't worry if you think we are going to judge
(well we might a little). MN will always be here for you.
I really hope things work out for you.
I'd like to come back to this thread if I can. I'm sorry that I haven't been on but please don't think it's because I don't appreciate the support I've had from the thread.
It's been a mixture of things, partly down to the fact I had no internet for 5 days waiting for a new router, and then couldn't really face coming back and also not having much time to myself.
The Saturday, the day after I last posted on this thread he turned up first thing in the morning, dc was in my bed and he knocked the door. I didn't answer but he started shouting through the letterbox, dc was upset as to why I wasn't answering the door. He eventually went after aroudn half an hour and me hiding in my bedroom, I went downstairs to make breakfast and he came back, posted the birthday card through the door that I'd given him, then started shouting dcs name through the door, up at the window. He was there around another 10 minutes, I put dc in the bath so that dc couldn't hear. We hadn't even had our breakfast by this point.
I asked him to go away through the door, he then came and sat in the garden (my back gate was broken, now fixed), he was just sat out there. I put dc in bedroom to play and went down. I'm not sure how long it was I was telling him to go away but he wouldn't, he put his foot in the door, I know I could have called the police but I didn't want all that.
In the end I went to make breakfast for me and dc. He just started playing with dc as though nothing had happened.
I didn't speak to him all day until I had to go and take my sister birthday present round, I hadn't told my sister we'd split up yet.
Anyway he was begging me to give him another go, said all the right things, hard to even remember now but he just said everything.
I just felt utterly deflated, trapped, a bit of me wanted to believe him but I didn't, I had no energy to argue, I went along with it in an 'ok but I know you'll mess up soon'.
And of course things haven't been smooth sailing.
All kinds of dramas have happened since, firstly I found a key to my house in his work van which I had no idea he had, he'd got it cut secretly.
He's bought a load of his stuff over including some furniture items.
He said he wanted to take me out for a nice meal for a treat, I arranged a babysitter then he clean forgot and told me he was meeting his mate, although he didn't meet the mate in the end he told me I was a bully and making a fuss over nothing because I was annoyed.
He took dc to swimming lesson, I asked one thing that dc was his hair. Dc came back with hair unwashed and apparently dc was impossible and was making a fuss about the shower being too hot like a 'big baby'. This made my blood boil and I told him he was treading on very thin ice but his answer was 'he's entitled to his opinion'.
He's been here every day so I haven't had any chance to even think.
He said he wanted to go on holiday, found one, booked it for in 5 weeks time, this was yesterday. He's told me today he wants to cancel it because he can't really afford it. He had quite a bit of money from something he sold, so he said he'd pay for the holiday if I bought the spending money. This was all agreed now he doesn't want to go. In the end he said he'd have a think about it before cancelling it. But he's said I'm not treating him very well, I admit I haven't been all lovey dovey as usual because I wasn't entirely happy but I said I'd give it a go, and I have, I haven't exactly been evil either, he's been getting fresh bread bought for him for work every day, tea made every night, he's been round my house every day.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, and I'm not really surprised, I'm angry with myself for letting this happen, I can't really think straight.
My heart is breaking for dc. Dc asked to wait up for him tonight but he wasn't coming, because he's been here every night dc is used to it. I don't even give a stuff about the holiday for myself, but how can you tell a child they're going on holiday then take it away from them?
I know it's all my own fault, I'm the parent I'm supposed to protect dc, but I'm just one person.
Welcome back, Mousey. Sounds like you're regretting giving in to his very determined attempts to get his feet back under your table, and you now have what amounts to an unwelcome house guest. Remind me, is it your house? If so, then you are entitled to live in it in peace
if only you'd called the police when he was shouting through your letterbox - will you do it next time d'you think? You are the grownup here but it sounds like you are being pulled every which way out of a desire to do right by your DC. He is not 'right' - hold onto that , and steer your course to a life without him in it.
Oh Mousey, it sounds like you need a massive unMN hug.
He really has absolutely no respect for you or your boundaries at all, does he? The de facto moving in without discussion, having secret copies of keys cut, the yelling through the letterbox, then manipulating you by appealing to your DC - it is stalker material. His initials aren't JG are they? <Thinks of my stalker ex>
You know that this is harassment, and the police would support you if you turned to them?
The changing his mind over the holiday thing seems scarily familiar.
You don't sound like you actually want to be with him, but that you caved in to his brow beating (and it's hard to stand up to that sort of campaign, but trust me, he is not some sort of love struck Hugh Grant in a Richard Curtis movie - he's a waste of space dickhead who treats you badly).
What RL support do you have which you can turn to? He seems indomitable - what he wants is what counts - it seems as if you have no say in the matter.
Have you considered doing the Freedom programme through Women's Aid?
Mousey, tell him it's over, it's not working out,
Put his stuff outside and change the locks in case he has cut another key.
If he pulls the same stunt again and won't leave, call the police.
He will never change.
Sorry my post was very jumbled, just typed it all out quickly. Couldn't really think, my head was mushed thinking of all of the dramas that have happened in only two-three weeks already.
When he turned up I know I could have called the police, I didn't want to because I didn't want to make a scene in front of the neighbours, I didn't want the shame of being a grown women involved with such an idiot I'm having to fetch the police. It also has the potential to be very awkward because of where I work without saying too much.
If I'd been in alone I'd have just ignored it, but it was too much with dc and him making it known he was there.
I thought I could explain face to face I didn't want to get back together, but he wouldn't accept it of course.
I'm so angry and scrambled because he's sort of railroaded me into getting back with him, only to behave like a total fuckwit again like I knew he would, like I told him he would. Then he had the nerve to say to me I know what he's like and why did I get back with him when I know he can't change.
He suggested the holiday, he pushed for it, he booked it yesterday, why on earth want to cancel it the very next day? Nothing has happened between then and now. He probably won't even cancel it, I think he's playing around with me. He text me saying he won't cancel it if I really want to go but perhaps I should go on ym own as I'll have a better time. He's messing with my head I'm sure he is. I'm beginning to think he gets some kind of kick out of watching me turn into a wreck.
The secret key, the calling my dc a big baby, it all makes me sick.
The house is not his, he has no rights to be here. I don't have enough rl support at all. I have considered freedom programme and counselling, but everytime I come close to doing something about it, I end up back with him.
I'm so worried I've got myself into a nastier situation than I've realised. Where I might have to take some serious action to get out. I don't know what his next move is going to be, whether he'll wake up tomorrow saying sorry, or whether he will do the silent treatment, or whether he'll hassle me.
I don't even know anything when I'm with him, I don't even know if when I go to the shops he'll still be there when I get back. By the same time I don't even know if I end it, will he leave me alone or will he turn up again.
Better go to bed now, I've done nothing I needed to do this evening.
Oh, Mousey, I can see exactly how you let him back in and why. But you know he can't stay. He has no right to call your poor dc a big baby.
Forget about the holiday. He is using it to manipulate you and mess with your head, using it as a carrot to dangle in front of you.
He is so not worth the headspace.
There is nothing shameful in calling the police. One of my neighbours called the police on her abusive H. As neighbours, we have nothing but respect for her for doing the right thing for herself and her dc's.
You can also call the police and tell them that you are going to kick him out and that he might get aggressive. It won't be the first time they've had a call like that.
I don't even think he can cancel the holiday, it's fairly last minute and wouldn't get much if any money back.
If I stayed with him I'm sure he will use it to mess with me. If I end it again he'll blame me for the money lost, use it against me in that way. I should have just said I wouldn't go in the first place because I KNOW what he's like, I've let myself get swept up with it all.
I feel as though he's forced me to be with him but still under his shitty terms.
One good thing has come if it though, I now know he had a key to my house, I wouldn't have even known he had that.
I've got knots in my stomach thinking about it all. It's as though he thinks he walks on water, so above anything he does wrong yet I am expected to accept it all and still be there for when he chooses.
I've no idea what he's going to say or do next.
Don't blame yourself for letting him back in, he sounds extremely manipulative at best and downright intimidating at worst, I think you felt like you had no choice. He is a nasty piece of work and after the swimming incident I wouldn't trust him alone with my DC. You know what you have to do, finish him and I agree with Chipmonkey, phone the non emergency police number and tell them you're going to me your relationship and you have good reason to believe he will turn nasty.
I can understand that you feel worried and embarrassed about having to call the police, not that you need to, how can you be responsible for someone else's behaviour? You know what you have to do for you and DS. Do not hesitate to call the police if he becomes threatening, he's counting on you not doing anything about it, please don't play into his hands. Good luck!
You need help to get him to stay away there is no shame in that.
He booked the holiday it is his problem.
Contact the police who gives a shite what they neighbours think he is intent on destroying yours and your dc's lives just to suit his own whims.
You are not responsible for his actions.
Tell him to go. Go to the police and tell them what happened last time and get an injunction out to get him to stay away.
He has you conditioned to put your own needs last and now he is starting on your child and is trying to make you put his needs above your childs. Don't let him do this.
This is a time to get Womens Aid on your side. You need a support worker by your side to get you through this. He is messing with your head and you don't know whether you're coming or going.
Call them at your earliest - 0808 2000 247. The lines are busy during the day so it's best to call between 7pm - 7am if you can. This is domestic abuse Mousey - you don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse.
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