Fairly recently, I have realised that I quite often do things because it pleases other people - but not necessarily me.
For example, I was emailing a man that I had a fling with years ago, who pops up on my email every so often, and we'd exchange sexy emails for a while, and then he'd disappear again. My thoughts at the time was that it was a bit of fun, it's flattering that he finds thinking of me exciting, and he obviously enjoys it.
One day it suddenly hit me though that I wasn't enjoying it. I felt cheap, and used, and I realised that I was doing this entirely because it pleased him.
I was writing an journal at the time, exploring how I felt about various things, and this highlighted that I wasn't actually happy. So I told him that I wasn't going to email him any more because I was looking for a relationship, and am working on my self esteem. This was fine, and he hasn't emailed since.
This is just one example of pleasing people, although looking at it, there are a few similar types of thing.
Anyway - recently I've met a guy, we've gone out for a drink once and met for a coffee too.
We've texted a few times, most recently in the early hours of this morning (he works nights, so was in the office). I was awake at 4.30, so responded, just normal chit chat sort of stuff, and then he said that he'd enjoyed kissing me. I fell asleep then, so didn't respond. Later on, he texted to say that he was going to bed, and would I mind if he thought about me.
Actually, yes, I do mind. So I told him, by text, that I'm a person not a sex object, and that he doesn't know me well enough yet to think of me like that.
And now I'm sitting here, concerned that I've upset him/pissed him off.
WHY??? Was he concerned about upsetting me? No.
How do I stop this cycle? I should be annoyed that he thought of me like that, but deep down, I do find it flattering.
Now what do I do? Wait and see if he responds to my text? Hope he apologises?
What's annoying me is that I am worried that I've upset him, that I've somehow done something wrong. That if he doesn't answer, then I will feel bad. I shouldn't feel bad, should I? I should be feeling empowered, proud of myself that I answered his inappropriate text with a strong response.
Talk some sense into me please!
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Stopping myself being a 'pleaser' - setting boundaries is something new to me.
pinktransit · 15/05/2013 11:34
pink you are doing fine. 
This is a process I went through and I remember it feeling just as strange as you're describing. It gets a LOT easier the more you do it, honestly. 
Every now and again (usually if I'm having a moment of self-doubt or worrying about something particular in my life) I can find myself feeling a bit uncomfortable about being assertive (particularly if it's with people we know and care about). However, I've been doing it for so long now that I just carry on anyway because I know it yields the best result long term. If I don't, I stew on it and it comes out eventually anyway, so far better to be direct straight away.
My little trick was to imagine myself as I wanted to be, think about how that me would respond, and then do it. Fake it til you make it mentality. It does work.
Carry on as you are and you'll do fine.
"I listened to how I felt, expressed my feelings, and the world didn't fall apart"
Well done! That's exactly it. This is something I am coming to terms with myself at the moment, coming out of a relationship which I now realise had become very codependent.
Literally in the last week or two I have noticed a huge shift in my ability to put myself first, to express my feelings, to feel no need to apologise for being myself, and to be more assertive - and, yes, you're right, the world doesn't fall apart! I had no idea. 
For me, simply realising this seems to have flipped a swtich in my head. So I think you're definitely well on the way too.
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