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World turning upside down- feel numb and I can't even blame anti d's. What's wrong with me?

(28 Posts)
theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 11:12:35

Dp just rang on his long drive to work to agree with my proposal about splitting up.

We have been together over 10 years and have 3 dc's under school age.

I'm not shaking, i'm not crying, i haven't got the sick feeling in my stomach. In fact, i feel them when we are trying and i'm waiting for him to fuck up. confused

I just don't trust him. Or have any respect for him. Things have come to a head in the last few weeks, because i have give him an ultimatum about his porn use.

I had picked up his phone to ring him on his work phone (which he had on him) i scroll though logs to find work phone and see a text from 'julie' i look in messages, no messages, i look in contacts, no julie under names. But it said 'julie' and not a number on his log. I spend the next 2 hours with my heart beating in my chest and feeling physically sick that he is cheating, before i can confront him. He says it was a porn text.

I had reluctantly conceded to him using porn when he was away, (for the last 10 years) but I have always hated, had problems with it, (as my ex was a massive porn addict)
So i had a big conversation about it and he had promised not to do it and then less than 3 weeks later i went to use google on his phone (he handed the phone to me) and the idiot had not closed down his incognito page (i wasn't even snooping) I told him that he had promised and he said did i? My bad.

So, for the 1st time ever an ultimatum was given. I asked him last night if he had kept to it and he wouldn't answer. Kept saying, why do you want to know, what does it matter? etc. That he his not answering because i always have an hidden agenda etc. Ie, i usually find out the answer before i ask to see if he still lies.

I went to bed a couple of nights ago before him and woke to find a wank tissue on the kitchen floor. yuk. He leaves them by the bed sometimes. I've told him i see it has passive aggressive and i've had enough. It's not wanking i have a problem with. It's the constant feeling that he is doing it to other women.

He use to have a rented house and only came home at weekends and once when the internet was down, i went on his phone to mumsnet and when i typed in m, it brought up loads of porn pages (before incognito) so i looked at his history and he had looked every day of that week. He says he's just bored, it helps him sleep.

I say i'm sick of feeling insecure, paranoid and not trusting a word he says.

I'm waiting to break down. I feel so sorry for my children.

I feel like i keep swallowing down problems, but i can't do it anymore. My mum is not supportive and makes excuses for him, says, ignore him, let it go etc.

I think she just doesn't want me to be on my own. But he doesn't give me any money (says i can just use his card anytime) so i would be financially better off anyway. To make it worse we are moving house in a few weeks. It is in his name only.

Christ beginning to wish i hadn't wrote this has the enormity is hitting me and the tears are coming. Not good.

Please help.

educatingarti Wed 15-May-13 11:17:13

No real advice but just wanted to say I have read this and feel for you!

NotSoNervous Wed 15-May-13 11:18:38

So sorry your going through this. If you don't trust him and have no respect for him then maybe this is all for the best. Neither of you could come to an agreement with him watching porn and its caused massive problems, by the sounds of it he has no intention of stopping and you can't handle it. Sorry I know this isn't good advice but I didn't want to read and run so ill hand hold and I'm sure someone will be along soon with helpful advice thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 12:22:57

There's nothing wrong with setting high standards and having high expectations. If something is important to you, it's important. The only downside of having high standards when you have to follow through on ultimatums and get shot of people that don't measure up. It's upsetting even when you know it's right. Far easier, of course, to take your mum's route through life of ignoring and letting things go ... but it isn't very satisfying - indeed it can be very damaging - to spend a lifetime compromising your values.

Good luck

theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 12:39:21

Sorry not replied earlier- network went down for some reason.

Thanks for the hand holding, flowers and good luck.

There are obviously other problems, but this has brought things to a head.

I've been sat questioning whether i should end it over this. But deep down i have not been happy for a long time. I have been on anti d's for most of last year, and have had horrible suicidal thoughts.

I know he is not the right person for me, but to bail on something that has been your life for over 10 years, with 3 children is a very frightening concept.

I feel like i am letting my children down too. Would you suggest couples counselling? Are am i just flogging a dead horse?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 12:57:31

It's hardly 'bailing' or letting your children down if you've been unhappy for a lot of those 10 years. Splitting always seems like the most traumatic option for children but they usually know when Mum and Dad aren't getting on and can be just as negatively affected from living in a bad atmosphere. Counselling tends to work best where a couple largely still like each other, want a future together and are willing to change because they've got into bad habits, not communicating, that kind of thing. It doesn't turn people into something they're not.

theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 13:12:18

I feel though, that i'm like a floating voter - in the sense that there are 2 options- stay or go.

Up until last week we were giving it a go. We were trying to be more tactile instead of sitting at opposite ends of the couch. Kissing each other hello/goodbye etc.

Things we used to do, but have fell out of the habit. It took a few crass comments (has she got a nice body? About my brothers new girlfriend, when i said she used to be a athlete and the staying up late to wank etc) and i plunged straight back to my default position.

A lot of the respect has been lost over the dc's. He saw them as my job. I asked to have a bath once, so he would have to keep an eye on them, and he said, can you not do it when they are in bed. We have had the whole, i work, the kids and housework are your responsibility. He rarely even puts the bin out. Loading the dishwasher occasionally is as much as he does.

It's been a long hard slog to get him to recognise that it's not just up to me.

I think i am just procastinating and rumunciating to much (sp). I don't even know what i want, what is best? I'm waiting for the right decision to be obvious to me and it's not. sad

Leverette Wed 15-May-13 13:17:27

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theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 13:21:35

Sorry to witter on, but just want to try to unravel my head.

I also see a nice family life if we stay together. Lots of days out, hols etc. Dp is quite adventurous and likes travelling etc, he is not a slippers and cardigan type for when he gets older. We talk about all the things we are going to do with the kids, and also what we will do when they have moved out.

But when i imagine my life without him, i see all individual things. Things that I could do for me, that i think i would compromise and not persue if we stay together- either because i wouldn't have his support, or because our relationship wouldn't stand the amount of time apart this would entail. Or maybe just because i haven't the confidence to do it with him by my side. (he can scorn at my ideas)

I think this alone makes me feel that if i leave i am picking my needs over those of my children. confused

I think i might wait a while to see if i get a variety of responses, because i feel like i'm just talking myself in knots! hmm

theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 13:30:24


He's been watching porn since early teens. He has the madonna and the whore complex. I have talked to him until i am blue in the face. He has 2 daughters ffs.

He is very misogynist and doesn't have loads of respect for his mother. He was very angry at her for failing him as a child, but he has grown out of the anger over the years. He loves her and they don't fall out, but they are not close.

Leverette Wed 15-May-13 13:37:40

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theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 13:48:18


Possibly true. He knows i want to do a personal trainer course and that i want to compete in my chosen sport (lets say marathons-so i don't out myself) and travel to other countries to do this. (not every week, month etc, maybe one or 2 a year).

He has said that he won't fund my course, as i need to lose weight first (i am 4 stones heavier than i was, but the plan was to study the course long distance over the summer and then start a job maybe nov/dec/jan when the kids get their 3yr old place at nursey- so plenty of time to lose weight) and that our relationship will break up with my dreams of competing as this will take me away too much. ( i was a very fit, size 10, gym instructor before kids, so it's not like i am coming from never trained, been unfit for all my adult life etc)

i did point out that we managed to maintain an almost 10 yr relationship of only seeing each other at weekends and holidays, when he worked away with his job, but suddenly because i want to do something it will be disastrous.

I know i WILL do all this without him. I'm a little flumoxed at why i couldn't just do them with him, as i am strong at standing up for myself, but i can't quite put my finger on it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 13:50:06

A misogynist with two DDs.... Kind of ironic, really. As they grow up is he going to teach them that they are the ones who should be running around after a man, picking up his mess? Are you going to teach them that by example?

theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 13:54:18

I've tried to answer that cognito with a his role and my role at this point in time, but deleted. there is no reasoning or justification really, so yes, i would be teaching them that by example. blush

Leverette Wed 15-May-13 13:56:09

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theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 13:59:38

oh dear that's made me cry. I just feel like i'm getting it all wrong.

Life is so fucking hard. I cocked up the 1st time, with a bloody wife beater, personality disorder porn addict and now look what i've done!

I feel so ground down. I have thoughts when i'm stood on a platform of how it would be so easy just to jump. I would never ever do that to the kids but the thoughts jump in there.

I just need to make a decision and to be truthful the sticking with it, isn't working for me.

Leverette Wed 15-May-13 14:04:56

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theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 14:06:37

I have explained that i am in the position of needing his help/money to do things, whereas he can do what he wants. he just says, that's not true. He still has to compromise too and can't go out as often as he did etc.

I do argue my point a lot. And i'm like a dog with a bone until he recognises what i am trying to say. Even if he doesn't agree with it. But it's exhausting.

I'd never have a full on- move in relationship with a man again. Dating yes, living together-no.

even though i know there are good men out there, i just have a very big downer on me at the minute. I pity that my son turns into one! wink

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 14:53:22

You're really not getting it all wrong. It's not your fault. You've just been unlucky, that's all. Some people would never have confronted their partner whereas you did. That takes quite a lot of integrity, not to say courage.

There are alternatives to ending the relationship but the main one.... standing up for yourself and being assertive ... you seem to be doing already with very little impact for the amount of effort involved. You can't make someone respect you or take you seriously if they are determined not to.

So don't have a downer on yourself and please... step back from the platform edge. You're in a depressing situation which is quite different to being depressed and, even though it would present a lot of difficulties, you ultimately still have a choice how you want to proceed.

TheHarzMtns Wed 15-May-13 15:43:34

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 16:35:00

harz I know you mean well, but you are barking up the wrong tree, if you think i don't give/like sex.

I first turned him down 6months ago. I had never in 10 yrs said no before. I like sex, i have no trouble orgasming and i have spent yrs trying to get DP to see that it is my sex life just as much as his, as he is a roll on and roll off kind of guy. He has left me high and dry on more occasions than i can possible remember.

I have explained again, till i am blue in the face that it is not just his sex life. Hence the turning him down 6 months ago. And even then i wasn't saying no. What i actually said is that i'm not prepared to carrying on with this sex life. ie, we have sex, he orgasms and there is then a 50/50 chance that he might finish me off with his hand. (sorry if tmi) or fall asleep and i have to do it myself.

I told him that i would only be interested if it was iniated in the 3 hours we are awake after dc's go to bed, so there will be time for both of us to put the effort in and enjoy it. Dp was more sit there for 3 hours watching tv and then try for a quickie as soon as we get in bed.

Surprise surprise we have had very little sex since.

I have sex when i'm pregnant, withing weeks of having babies and i'm quite happy to sneak into the larder for a quickie while the kids are pre-occupied with the tv- so no withholding issues here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 15-May-13 17:06:30

@TheHarzMtns.... the answer to the way the OP is feeling about their DH's porn use & misogynistic attitude in general is not to advise them to give more hand-jobs. hmm

Leverette Wed 15-May-13 17:22:44

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheHarzMtns Wed 15-May-13 17:30:44

OP - From reading your latest post I can see I'm completely and utterly wrong in your case. Maybe I look at things too much from my own situation. Sorry!

theonlysaneinthevillage Wed 15-May-13 17:31:52

No leverette but i would love too. I am slightly frightened though that they will see me as bonkers!

I think it will be on my to do list when i have entangled myself from this mess.

I haven't got a clue how to go about it though.

i wish i could just request charbon ?

as i love her posts. grin

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