Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help Help Help

(30 Posts)
blairsmummy Wed 15-May-13 09:44:41

I am hoping by posting here, i will find the strength to stay away from my terrible ex. I saw another post from a girl in which seeing people's reaction helped her gradually break away from her controlling ex.

I already know that i need to stay the hell away from him, i just cannot seem to find the power to stick to it. We have split several times and i always go back, no matter how bad things get. I will try to keep this brief and will answer any questions on things i have missed out.

Basically our relationship had always been rocky, there had been many incidents. One time we split after a year because he was thinking about going back to his ex. There were dodgy texts to girls, keeping me waiting all night to see him, ignoring me and playing computer games when i went to see him. Plus the constant and huge pressure to have sex everytime he wanted it, even if it was causing me pain. Although i did enjoy it half the time.

One of the worst things he did was last halloween, he came to see me while we were split. He was drunk. We were having sex and he suddenly started trying to do it the other way. I hate that and have never been able to, but he did it anyway. I was crying and saying "i thought you loved me?" repeatedly. He stopped after about 30 seconds and laughed when i told him to leave and that i was calling the police. He said they wouldn't believe me, that all our friends knew i liked it rough and they would bak him up. Believe it or not, i managed to block this out and got back with him! What an idiot.

It wasn't til february this year, when i found out he had slept with another girl that same night after what he did to me that i started getting really angry about it. Again we were split at the time, but trying to be friends. I told him to stay away from me and there then followed a bitter feud. He was raging that i believed the girl over him, and he sent some horrendously evil texts which made me ill for weeks. It was pure hell.

But somehow, i found myself back in his bed again in march, and have basically spent most weekends since then with him. A couple of weekends ago i agreed to give it another go, even though i was terribly wary. I checked his phone and found he had been asking his ex wife to have him back too, so called everything off again. He was "devastated" and said he hadn't meant it, he was miserable without me and his head was a mess, that was why he had sent the texts. Like a total idiot, i again agreed to take him back.

Which brings us to the present situation. That was 2 weeks ago, and we have spent some nice times together, going for meals and he has brought me flowers and teddies. I was still feeling pretty unsure, but had agreed to give him a month with me to see how it went. Well, the other day i noticed money had gone from my account to a sex website. £100 in total since the start of March. I was freaking out thinking i had been hacked, while trying to bury the suspicion it had been him. But when i spoke to him, he confessed. He said he had done it while we were apart because he was so angry at me and thought it was only a one off payment. He had done it to get a reaction as i was not talking to him. He used my money (my son's money) to post pictures of himself and his body on a sex dating website. I just found this out two days ago. I was horrified and told him we are over for good this time. I really want that to be the case, i just struggle so badly with staying strong. It's like he can put a spell on me. He has been texting me the past 2 days saying he loves me, misses me, that was in the past and we can move on, he is not like that anymore. I have said no and i mean it. Ijust hate that i can't hate him, that i actually feel sorry for him and believe he is actually gutted over this. Why am such a god damn mug sad

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 15-May-13 09:51:45

You are describing a recurring cycle where you have sex with a man who treats you badly, cheats on you, rapes you, who you split up with and then who reels you back in for more sex, and more bad behaviour, cheating, etc.

You need to break this pattern, and then find out why you are caught in it.

To break the pattern, the only solution is to go fully No Contact. Cold turkey. Change your SIM card, change your e-mail address, do not open the door to him. Yes, it's hard. Stick to it.

To find out why you give in to sex with a man who treats you badly, therapy is your best option. It will help you work through the emotions and deeply held beliefs you hold about how you should accept to be treated -- these beliefs are clearly skewed, since you deserve far better treatment than what you are accepting.

Cold turkey, and therapy. You can do it. You deserve it. Good luck.

Sugarice Wed 15-May-13 09:54:43

Do you really want such a disgusting man within spitting distance of your child?

This man has raped you, stolen from you and treats you like shit off his shoe.

You need to work on your self esteem and tell him to fuck off and mean it!

This is no relationship, you're his door mat to wipe his feet on.

blairsmummy Wed 15-May-13 09:56:52

Cold Turkey is what everyone has said. God knows why i find that so bloody difficult. It is genuinely like a drug addiction, not that i have ever had a drug addiction, but what i imagine it must be like.

Sugarice Wed 15-May-13 09:58:39

Is it the sex that keeps you dangling as I fail to see what is addictive about him?

blairsmummy Wed 15-May-13 09:59:28

I actually went to Womens aid recently, but they referred me on to Rape crisis. I only went once and then ended up back with him. I will go back to one of those places again i think. No, my wee boy deserves better, i know it's unbelievable that i haven't told him to fuck off sooner. I am pathetic, i hate it.

blairsmummy Wed 15-May-13 10:01:57

Sugarice maybe, it can be amazing. But i know that it could be with someone else too. We were together three years. I usually find myself back with him because i feel sorry for him. He is brilliant at getting me to think his way. I might be coming across as really dumb here, but it's not true. I can see everything that is going on, i just feel so powerless.

Sugarice Wed 15-May-13 10:03:29

You're not pathetic!

He knows you are vulnerable and easy to manipulate.

Get back in touch with Women's Aid and ask for help again.

How old is your Son?

HotDAMNlifeisgood Wed 15-May-13 10:08:07

Yes, it's an addiction. Same mechanisms exactly (google co-dependence if you want more details). That's why it's hard to break, and that's why cold turkey is the only way.

Good idea to go back to Rape Crisis and Women's Aid for support. If you can, be explicit about the support you would like to receive from them, if you are unhappy with WA having referred you to Rape Crisis. For example, tell them "I want to be able to talk through my emotions with somebody" if that's what you want, or "I want advice on how to maintain no contact with an abusive man I have just left" if that's what you want, etc. I know you feel lost and confused, and in that case reaching out for help is the right thing to do. However, nobody can be your saviour but your own self, so reaching out for specific help is the best thing you can do for yourself, and the best way for you to obtain the help you need.

blairsmummy Wed 15-May-13 10:08:26

He is only seven. I love him so much, he is my life. I have not allowed my ex near him since November. I had trouble coping with my son when he was younger, due to my mental health problems and his behavioural issues. He had to live with my mum for a year. I worked hard at therapy, got stronger, and got my boy home. He has now been diagnosed with ADHD and will be tested for Autism next week. I am proud of how well i am bringing up my son now. I don't know why i am still so weak in the relltionship area though.

BicBiro Wed 15-May-13 10:10:13

stop hating yourself, you are caught in a pattern of listening to your emotional 'needs' over what your head is telling you. this man knows how to reel you in. lots of us have been there too. emotions are powerful things.

you need to block all contact first, this will give you the space to think clearly. change phone number/email etc. if you are really serious about removing this man from your life you MUST take these steps. if you won't do this then I think it shows you are not quite ready.

one you've done this, then you need to go for some counselling to explore what has been happening and why.

Sugarice Wed 15-May-13 10:15:05

I suspect you have put so much effort into regaining your mental health and getting your Son the diagnosis he needs you've lost a bit of focus in telling this dickhead to fuck off for good.

It's brilliant what you've achieved, use your love for your Son as a barrier to this twat getting back in again through your door.

Still get back in touch with WA.

TisILeclerc Wed 15-May-13 10:20:53

You're not dumb, my lovely. But you have to sort this out. It will be hard, but then it will be over. From what I can make out, you have no permanent ties to this waste of space - no children, no mutual assets or anything like that? Which makes it a bit easier.

I agree with the advice above - recontact WA and Rape Crisis. Get a new sim card and only give the number to people you can trust not to give it to him. Change your email. Ensure that you always know who it is when answering the door. Ignore and detach, ignore and detach. And request some counselling to work through these issues.

One day, you WILL look back and wonder what on earth you saw in him, what kept you dangling for so long. Learn to love yourself sweetheart - you're strong and a great mum.

blairsmummy Wed 15-May-13 10:28:41

HotDAMN Wow! Never heard of co dependecy before, well, had heard of it but never read about it. Hits the nail on the head really. I always used to say i thought he had Narcissistic Personality Disorder or something like it. Maybe it will help me to put a name to this, thank you so much.

Tis and Sugarice Thank you for your kind words

blairsmummy Wed 15-May-13 10:31:01

I should mention, i do have very supportive friends and family who desperately want to see me free. I just think speaking on this could help me, and take some of the pressure off of them, as it has been so hard seeing me go back continuously.

Tis you are right, no toes whatsover, thank God x

Cravingdairy Wed 15-May-13 10:46:39

No additional advice to the wise words here but I am so glad to hear you have no ties to this piece of dirt. And that's offensive to dirt. Great to hear you have family and friends too. Fill your life up with positive things and people who care about you and there will be no room for the pond life.

educatingarti Wed 15-May-13 11:01:12

Wow Op - you are amazing! Bringing up a child with ADHD and autism is a really tricky job and it sounds like you are doing really well at it!
Are there hobbies or activities you could get involved in that will give you something else to do and help you not to focus on the "addiction". For example - do you fancy doing something arty/crafty - if you are a SAHM there are often groups or classes on during the day that you could go to that are not very expensive ( check out your library and local FE college) or could you get a friend or family member to babysit for a night each week so you could go out to a class of some sort. Is there a local support group for parents of ADHD/AS youngsters? - sounds like you could make a great contribution there and maybe your DS could find other youngsters that understand the way he thinks to be mates with.

I'd second all those posters saying that some type of counselling/therapy might be helpful. Would WA offer you counselling to work out why you have so easily been drawn back into this abusive relationship?

BeCool Wed 15-May-13 11:14:21

Great advice here - I hope you can sort this out OP.

I just wanted to say that although you say you have been in a relationship with this man for 3 years, I very much doubt he feels the same way.

I think he views your relationship very casually and is completely uncommitted to you and has been throughout. You are someone he has treated mean, raped and exploited on and off for 3 years sad

You can change your life, and get rid of this abusive loser! You and your DS deserve so much better.

ivegotaniphone Wed 15-May-13 11:22:45

Just wanted to say I think youre doing really well too. I recently left my abusive husband who I don't think is half as bad as your ex, and I know how difficult it is when you are caught up in it. I expect lots of people on here have told this, but the eye opener for me was reading "Why does he do that?" If you have time and haven't already done so then please read it. x

BeCool Wed 15-May-13 11:36:06

I left my, comparatively mildly abusive ExP 5 moths ago. I KNOW its the right thing for us all to do, I KNOW it's what I want to do and I KNOW I am happy without him - but still I feel such a strong pull to him.

If he would get help and actually change his unacceptable ways I would want to be with him. I hasn't, he won't and it's incredibly sad (we have 2 DC). I have very minimal contact with him now (just re handovers of DC) and have banned him from my flat after he was verbally abusive post split. This is very hard for me - I'd rather he came in, talked, changed etc - but this didn't happen when we were together, hasn't happened since and no matter how much I WANT this to happen, I know it won't.

I simply can't dwell on it & I have to think about other things. No good will come out of this relationship as he refuses to admit, address and confront these issues.

But I understand the pull to undesirables. You can do this!

blairsmummy Wed 15-May-13 19:04:05

I stupidly lent him £120 on sunday, before i knew about the theft from my bank, and when i thought there was still hope for us. Now it looks like the bastard ain't gonna pay it back. He said yesterday he would deposit it in my bank. I have text him loads today asking what's happening, and he is just ignoring me. I think i am gonna have to go to the police. I know they won't do anything about the money i handed him on sunday, but they might charge him with theft for the money stolen from my account? I have texts admitting he did it x

cestlavielife Wed 15-May-13 23:17:24

You need to speak to your bank, maybe move your. Money to anew account and close this one. As he might still have access. Did you tell him details, password ?

Go to bank tomorrow and police if they advise this.

Stop texting him. You gave him the money it s gone. Dont even think about it any more.
Don't think about him any more focus on you and your son.

blairsmummy Sat 18-May-13 10:32:28

So, still no sign of the money. He has been texting, but won't even acknowledge when i ask him when he is going to give me the money. All he wants to talk about is me giving him one last chance, and how much he loves me, how much he can make me happy and how much i know this. And also he keeps bringing up things i have done wrong in thr past, and how he has forgiven me these things. It is so frustrating. I can see what he is trying to do, twist everything back. Everyone i speak to reckons he is withholding the money to stay in contact. I know i should just forget the money and walk, but it really makes me angry, that is mine and my son's money!

I am not sure about going to the police either, because i gave him the details for my card when we were together, so they might see it as a civil matter?

I am meant to be going out tonight for a friends leaving party, and am pretty worried he will show up as he knows them too. He has his kids this weekend, but thinks nothing of getting a babysitter. He was texting last night saying he was out. I wish he would just giveme my money then fuck right off angry

blairsmummy Sat 18-May-13 10:47:47

And, i just read some excerpts online from Why does he do that? and scarily, my ex actually has traits of all 9 types of abuser shock

Walkacrossthesand Sat 18-May-13 12:21:36

Forget the money. If you gave him your card details it will be impossible to prove he set up the debit without your consent. Yes, it's unfair, yes it's maddening - but let it go, a future free of this horrible man is worth more than £120.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: