My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do I stop being so selfish

37 replies

grumpyoldbat · 15/05/2013 08:33

I am so annoyed with DH and feel totally let down this week. I realise I am being very selfish but I am struggling with these feelings. How do I stop myself being so selfish?

It was his brothers big birthday this weekend so I drove us all across country to stay at his mum's so we could go, I did this after working late shift the night before. DH's friends called him and invited him out on the Friday. I said to go as he hardly sees them but to remember we were going to the birthday do on the Saturday.

Well he enjoyed himself so much he felt sick all day Saturday and had a headache. I tried to give him painkillers, made him toast, brought him glasses of water and sent him back to bed for a nap. However he still refused to go on the Saturday night. I was so embarrassed all night apologising for him and his brother is upset. A few people came back to his Mum's afterwards but he sat upstairs and I almost had to drag him down to speak to his brother.

On Sunday I had to keep the peace when he took a strop over the time of Sunday lunch. Incidentally the same time it has been for as long as I've known him.

Yesterday he was still funny about eating as he's still feeling delicate (from Friday night FFS). He did promise he would get up with DD this morning though as I have the long drive home today. Well guess who's been up for hours and guess who's boody well still in bed. Oh and guess who will have to do the unpacking, dusting etc to prepare for the visitors we have coming on Thursday.

I am just so tired and pissed off.

OP posts:
Report
KatyTheCleaningLady · 15/05/2013 08:37

You're not being selfish at all.

Report
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/05/2013 08:39

He's the selfish one here, not you. Do you feel selfish for having such feelings of hate towards him?.

BTW does he get along well with his brother or do they actually have an uneasy relationship?.

Would not have bothered with either apologising for him or making him toast etc, you did not have to mother or enable him so. What made you do that?.

Report
MorrisZapp · 15/05/2013 08:40

Where is the selfish bit? Can you explain.

Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2013 08:41

How does that make you selfish? The entire sequence of events you describe was 100% his choice and his responsibility, not yours. I would drive home and leave him exactly where he is. Let him make his own way back....

Report
ScumbagCollegeDropout · 15/05/2013 08:41

If you being selfish then I am an elephant.

He is the selfish one.

Report
ScumbagCollegeDropout · 15/05/2013 08:43

If you are*

Report
grumpyoldbat · 15/05/2013 08:43

I feel selfish for being pissed off, and for wanting a long lie today.

OP posts:
Report
grumpyoldbat · 15/05/2013 08:44

He does get on with his brother, they're not as close as they used to be but not so much less for it to make sense for him not to go. It was him who wanted me to come and asked for me to take annual leave to enable us to be here.

OP posts:
Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2013 08:45

Thinking about it. If anything, you're not selfish enough. Anyone foolish enough to go out on the lash and give himself a terrible hangover should be responsible for the consequences .... not treated like some kind of sultan, tripping round him making tea and toast and allowing him to have a nap. Why on earth were you apologising for him? Why wasn't he apologising for himself.

Really... put you and DD in the car and head home without him. There are buses and trains. He can catch one of those.

Report
grumpyoldbat · 15/05/2013 08:50

I was apologising because I was there and people kept asking where he was.

OP posts:
Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2013 08:51

And did you tell them the bald truth.... ie. he went on the piss and now he's too hungover to attend? Or did you try to play it down?

Report
grumpyoldbat · 15/05/2013 08:52

Yes I told the truth.

OP posts:
Report
Walkacrossthesand · 15/05/2013 08:52

I don't suppose karma is kind enough to make Thursdays visitors 'his' rather than 'yours'? Because if they are 'his' I would be leaving it to him to get things ready for them - only fair, after his unilateral withdrawal of input at the weekend.

Report
Mehrida · 15/05/2013 08:55

I'm really struggling to see where you're being selfish? I would be livid. And then plan myself a night away with my friends.

There is only one selfish person in the equation, and it's definitely not you!

Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2013 08:58

Glad you told the truth. You need to get a lot tougher & more assertive, with this character and forget ideas of being 'selfish' - which sound like something is badly affecting your self-esteem and confidence ... him? Kick him out of bed for a start.

Report
caramelwaffle · 15/05/2013 09:11

Get yourself ready for the drive home.

Inform your husband he has 45 minutes to be ready or you are driving home without him.

Ensure he has his house keys and wallet to get home: if you actually leave without him you will be on your way to making your life a lot better over the coming years.

And as to the question of guessing who will do the cleaning for Thursdays visitors: the answer is, your husband (or your husband and you)
No reason why he can't. Is there?

Report
mummytime · 15/05/2013 09:54

You are not being selfish!
He is being totally selfish!

I'd suggest you follow caramelwaffle's advice. What would you do if a child refused to get out of bed? be sociable? etc.

Report
grumpyoldbat · 15/05/2013 09:58

He'll be too tired after the journey to clean.

Tried to wake him 3 times now including opening the curtains and pulling the duvet off. Just waiting for MIL to get up and complain I'm not dressed or finished packing. I can't really get dressed until someone else is up, trying to keep dd quiet so she doesn't wake SIL who is just off night shift.

OP posts:
Report
Snazzynewyear · 15/05/2013 10:00

Agree with caramelwaffle too. Go and tell him what timr you're leaving and then go. And no more indulging him 'feeling ill'. He can sort himself out.

Report
Snazzynewyear · 15/05/2013 10:03

So don't clean. Tell the visitors it was his job and it didn't get done. Are they 'his' visitors?

Does he have a disability or medical condition that makes him this tired? If not then I think he should be grown up and get on with cleaning like the rest of us have to. A journey, as a passenger, should not render someone unable to clean.

Report
letseatgrandma · 15/05/2013 10:05

He'll be too tired after the journey to clean??! Aren't you the one driving?

Go in the bedroom, open the curtains and pack everything you can. Tell him you're livid with his childish pathetic attitude and you're leaving in half an hour with or without him. Stop being a doormat!

Report
letseatgrandma · 15/05/2013 10:07

He's still milking his hangover from last Friday as well? It's Wednesday FFS! How on earth does he hold down a job!?

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

kerala · 15/05/2013 10:08

Sorry but you sound like a martyr.

Report
Loulybelle · 15/05/2013 10:11

Pour water on him and wake the selfish twat up,

Too tired to clean? Well tough fucking shit, must of us feel too tired to clean, still do it though.

Stop making excuses for him, and tell him to get the fuck up.

Report
QuintessentialOHara · 15/05/2013 10:11

What on earth makes you think YOU are the selfish one? Is he telling you that?

Leave without him. Just go. He can make his own way home. What a shit.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.