Need another opinion on what just happened with ex P

[mervynmouse]

I got home from work and ex P is here with DS. I had said it was ok for him to spend time with DS at mine because he's broke (again) and so had nothing to feed him at his. I also felt a bit bad for him as he's just been made redundant.

Anyway, first thing he says is that he's pulled a muscle playing a game last night. You know the game where you have to pick a cardboard box up off the floor with no hands. A party game. So, my immediate thought is you're broke, you're needing to look for a job but you're partying on a Monday night. I had called him at 3pm today to check if he was still collecting DS from school as arranged and he definitely sounded like I had woken him up.

I said that explained why he sounded so groggy earlier, the party. He protested it wasn't a party, it was just him and his flatmates and a couple glasses of wine.

I said it sounded like a party to me and that I found it frustrating that he wasn't being more active looking for a job, especially when he had borrowed money off me the other day. This caused him to fly off the handle and say he was in bed but doing his CV and emailing. He then said he didn't need this and started to leave. This of course caused DS to get upset and I am not entirely sure what happened next but the row escalated with him shouting and swearing, DS ran to bathroom and I told ex P to get out, I had had enough of helping him out and him taking the piss. He told me I was a horrible horrible person and when I tried to put my point forward he started dry humping my front door in a demonstration of I presume total disdain for what I had to say. So I told him to stop being such a child and to get out, he wasn't welcome in my house ever again.

DS was really really upset due to the swearing and fact his dad just upped and left during their time together. I could have handled it better couldn't I? I feel terrible DS had to hear it because I lost my temper.

[schobe]

Stop letting him in the house, full stop.

None of your business really what he gets up to in his own time, but fgs don't lend him any more money. Also you shouldn't have started the conversation (a) in front of your DS or (b) at all really. But I can see why you were frustrated.

Stick to civil, business-like communications via email and perhaps text/phone if you can usually be more amicable.

I'm so sorry, I know this is very far from funny, but the dry humping your front door thing is just, well, surreal.

[AndMiffyWentToSleep]

Sounds like you need to detach from him some more - if he's too broke to give your DS a snack, give him a snack to take to school with him so they don't have to meet at yours.
Why are you lending him money? You're not together anymore - you're not responsible for him. If you detach more, you won't need to know, or even care,whether he's job hunting or not.
It might help avoid situations that upset you and your DS.

[FlatsInDagenham]

He sounds like an arse. Thank god he's an ex.

But you should be letting him get into his own mess. You don't need to be nagging him about getting a job. It's his life. Thanfully DS has got you to be a good role model. And you certainly shouldn't be lending him money. He's not your responsibility.

[mervynmouse]

I know the job thing isn't my problem as such but it has knock on effects for us- his maintenance, small as it is we really need at the moment. He also has a habit of burying his head in the sand in these situations until the situation gets really dire and he can no longer afford his rent, i am worried that will happen again.

Re detaching- I agree totally but am finding it difficult to find a balance between him being able to spend time with DS and carrying him when things go wrong. I could send a snack I guess but it's difficult to know until the last minute what's going on a lot of the time.

The dry humping was bizarre but it was also really unpleasant. An expression of utter disgust. Which I thought was a bit much! DS didn't see that thank god.

[betterthanever]

He is your ex for a reason and whilst it is nice that you are trying to facilitate contact as best you can, long term this will not work and I agree with all the posts above.
He is playing the victim to you to get what he wants from you - he doesn't care about anyone else but himself. If he can't meet your DS's needs when he has his contact time then he shouldn't have contact that involves those needs, needing to be met. He isn't your responsibility - only your DS is, do what is right for your DS and this should not have to involve meeting your ex's needs. Don't let him in your house, he is disrespecting you and I think wants to have arguments with you to gain attention for his insecure self. keep strong the good news is .. he is your ex.

[GivesYouHell]

He's an ex. What he does isn't your concern.

All you need to know if you will get your maintenance and how much it will be. If he can't feed your DS, then send a packed lunch and make choosing what goes in the lunch fun for your son. If he can't provide a warm safe place to take your son then your son should stay solely with you until your ex has arranged one. Just like all the other parents.

A text/email to confirm arrangements, and a 15 second handover at the door should pretty much cover your entire contact with this man.

Disengage, and get on with making a loving and stress free home for your DS.

[mervynmouse]

Thanks all for your replies. I will try your suggestions. Our home is normally happy and calm I should add. When he's not in it.

[DippyDoohDahDay]

Op, I have an xh like this too. We have to not rescue them, as people or parents. If he can't come up to the mark as a dad, best find out sooner than later x

[mervynmouse]

Thanks Dippy

[AndMiffyWentToSleep]

I realise him not job hunting has implications for you - but does he pay attention to you? If you try and help him get his act together? Because it doesn't really sound like it does, which means you're wasting a lot of energy without seeing the results.