Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Boundary check........

(15 Posts)
mobot Tue 14-May-13 16:35:51

I've NC'ed cos this is filthy blush

I've been seeing a guy for over a year - sort of on and off. We are always in contact but sometimes don't see each other for a month at the most.

That suits me, I don't want a live-in/involved with the children sort of man because have only been 2 years out of a crappy abusive marriage.

OK, so <deep breath>, we have been talking in the last week or so about sex (yes, we have done it lots of times) and he wants to try some 'things', quite specific things. I may as well list them, just to get them out:

1. Foot things. He wants to buy me some shoes that are 'just ours'. And he wants me to walk on him.

2. He wants me to walk on his barefoot - including putting my feet in his face, quite sort of, erm, forcefully.

3. He wants to try bum sex. And wants to lick it. <epic blush >

So here's the thing. I feel like I can trust him, I am actually quite open to trying some new things and feel a bit excited - it could be a laugh too. I genuinely had a crap sex life for most of my adult life, I have never done no. 3 before and he knows that and promises to take it easy.

But I am so frightened that my judgement is SHITE. Do normal non abusive men do this sort of stuff? There is definitely an element in 1 and 2 of role playing dom/sub stuff.

Please help. I'm seeing him at the weekend.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 16:40:29

Ah, that was built up but it iiiiiinnnnnnncccccrrrrrrreeeeeeedddddddiiiiiibbbbbblllllllllyyyyyyy tame! Sorry!

grin

As with all sex if you are comfortable having a go, have a go, be prepared to assert feelings if you don't enjoy it. With the bum sex think carefully especially if relationship is casual as greater risks of transmission of STIs and also rectal prolapse... <shudder>

mobot Tue 14-May-13 16:44:03

So pleased you say tame.

My friend made me feel like he was some sort of deviant.

Please can we not talk prolapses. Ever.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 16:44:34

I think probably the requests are not all that unusual and on their own dont ring alarms but if you are recently out of an abusive relationship and not over it then be really sure you are able to properly assert yourself. You have to be sure you can say no when you feel no.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 16:47:05

It is a little deviant in that it isnt totally vanilla grin

It doesn't matter whether it is a kiss or being shat on if you feel uncomfortable with it you have to be able to say that and your partner should help make the environment conducive to being able to say that. When that part is a bit dodgy that's when it isn't working.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 16:50:44

It is not a bad thing to talk about what you enjoy but better if it is mutual rather than all his suggestions. Have you had a think about things you might fancy trying yourself?

mobot Tue 14-May-13 16:52:13

Thank you Offred. You are right, I think that is exactly what it is - it isn't the acts themselves, it is that I need to make sure I can assert myself if I don't like it. Not being assertive being a shit memento from abusive relationships.

First thing for that is not getting shit faced.

mobot Tue 14-May-13 16:53:21

X-posts - and YES we have now had talks about what I would like and he is completely up for that too.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 16:58:40

I have found it very difficult to be assertive, i'm still learning 7 years on! it may be too soon for you or you may not know until you try so maybe you could talk this out with him and get his support with it I.e. getting him to check rather than depend on you having to be assertive. That includes with suggestions you might make too.

It strikes me, and I can relate, that the intimacy is what you are finding difficult after the abuse which is why you are keeping him at arms length. Perhaps this could work against you in this as trying new things can trigger unexpected vulnerability I think.

mobot Tue 14-May-13 17:21:19

Oh gawwwwwd, that sounds spot on.
I completely won't let anyone get too close but then want to have intimate relationships.
It's so weird.
I'm trying to see this as a bit of fun, but as you are rightly pointing saying I think at the bottom of me I know this has potential to be quite triggering.
Oh shit.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 18:43:52

Don't "oh shit" about it. You can and are functioning normally. Plenty of people don't want to jump into a full on relationship after one ends. It is a fine balance between ensuring you are safe and allowing yourself to live your life. Can't see anything wrong with proceeding and living your life to the full but do it with self-awareness and support! And have fun, just make a vow to only do things that are fun.

appletarts Tue 14-May-13 21:38:26

What about when he wants to reverse the roles and walk on your face etc. I'd run for the hills on this one because it sounds linked to power games and that's trouble.

mobot Tue 14-May-13 21:57:15

Really appletarts? Do you think this is just the start of things.....then it gets worse?

He doesn't watch porn apparently. I have asked on numerous occasions.

mobot Tue 14-May-13 22:16:10

Thinking about that appletarts, if that happens, I will be assertive and jib him off. I haven't had indication that he will be like that......but if he does I will cross that bridge....

Offred Tue 14-May-13 22:25:36

You can't always pick the twunts out before hand.

If you are wanting to experiment at the mo and he is presenting you with an opportunity to then I think that's maybe to be taken immediately at face value providing you keep reanalysing and are prepared for jibbing off.

Have you got some RL support such as WA?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now