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In laws and impact on our relationship (hugely long)

(63 Posts)
Tiredtrout Tue 14-May-13 08:39:43

I have posted about this a few times recently and I'm hoping someone can come up with a bit of a clue on how to move on. I have a feeling this could be quite long to try and avoid the drip feeding.

Imet my dh 14 years ago when I was a single mum and trying to get a divorce, he was also going through a divorce which was straightforward as the were no dc or property but mine was a bit difficult and took an age. During that time we got engaged and I got pg with our ds. This was an issue for his dp, they are evangelical Christians who are leaders in their church and I am Rc. They do not like this.

Because of our work sending us to two different ends of the country we decided that it would be for the best if I left my job (RAF) he rented a place off camp, and we got married soon as my divorce was final.

In the meantime whenever we visited his dp there was drama. His mother souls do the 'her or me thing' I was told I would burn in hell as would my dc for not being of their faith, I got shouted at at the table for making the sing of the cross when they did grace, I was berated for not taking communion in their church. All sorts of stuff.

Meanwhile my exh was dragging his heels over the divorce, it eventually came through and we had a rushed registry office wedding followed by the pub for lunch two days later. This was 3 weeks before our due date. Both sets of our dps came, mine were lovely, his insisted on going sightseeing on the morning of the wedding almost making dh late! They also wore black.

Strangely with all the stress our ds was born a few days later. My dps were unable to come all the way back up to us as it was a 1000 mile round trip. Dh dps arrived within 2 days and I was expected to go out sightseeing with them, our lease on our house had run out so we had to move that week too, and dh's work announced that he was to be posted again with no chance of me following for at least 3 months.

We moved, I was very sore and tired, mil bag side the bed, we were sleeping on the sofa with ds and dd was on the floor, dh was having to work and fil had gone home. Mil insisted on staying for a week to help. I caught her trying to persuade dh to let her organise a christening in their faith behind my back and I kicked her out the next day

When dh was posted I went to stay with my dps with the dc for a while then we moved to where he was. Not long after his dp came to stay again, I was told that I wasn't a proper wife and I was lazy. Their was more stuff but they made sure it was all done out of dh earshot.

Dh still wouldn't believe that his lovely dps would be horrible to me. They kept telling him they loved me!

We visited them for Christmas, I made a lot of the fancy trimmings and took it to them to try and make amends they refused to eat it, bar one mouthful each, they both came down with a tummy bug and blamed my cooking

Tiredtrout Sat 25-May-13 10:35:16

Well thought I ought to update, we finally had our dd last Sunday. Since then there has been no phone calls or texts to me from them just to check how things are, my dh has been back to work full time ever since as he is in a course for his new job and it would be impossible to keep up if he had a day off let alone a week. Our other dc have been having exams all week so I have been trying to do everything to let them study. My dps have been over a few times and brought cards and presents for the baby and have arranged to take the older dc in half term for a couple of days. We received a card Wednesday from the in laws, they said they were coming for the day on Sunday, then it was changed to mil is feeling poorly so we might not we will let you know, this morning dh got a call from his df saying that mil had pneumonia but hadn't been to the doctors and they won't be coming tomorrow. Sil had also been invited to get that side of the family seen so we don't have to do it again but she hasn't said if she is or not.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Sat 25-May-13 11:00:11

Congratulations flowers on the birth of your baby daughter!

I am glad you did not have to fight the ILs during/around her birth.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 25-May-13 11:29:05

I notice they're still telling you when they're coming to visit, not asking whether it's all right with you (the answer to which, of course, would be "no, it's not all right" - which is presumably why they don't ask). What extreme bad manners. Clearly you have enough on your plate without fighting that battle right now, but when things calm down a little it may be time to send a card right back saying they are NOT visiting on Sunday because it is not convenient for you. It could get rough...

Hooray for strategic pneumonia though.

Tiredtrout Sat 25-May-13 11:33:55

Or manipulative pretendy illness, either way I don't have to see them, which is nice, just a little too tired to push the point with dh right now xx

goonyagoodthing Sat 25-May-13 11:34:06

Congratulations on your lovely little babby.

Hopefully the lunatics will stay away for a very long time. Have you got anyone who would be willing to act as a barrier between you? What I mean is, your DH is not going to do it, so is there anyone else who can ring them and tell it to them like it is? Your father, or a member of your DHs family?

I am the biggest doormat in the world. I have it tattooed on my forehead. But even I would bar them from ever setting foot in my house again. If you don't feel like you can do it, get someone who can.

Fuck them, don't feel guilty or bad, they are the ones who caused it. If they had at least basic manners you might have a chance, but they don't. They are not even ignorant, they are just bad, nasty people, expressing their prejudice and evilness under the guise of religion.

Whocansay Sat 25-May-13 14:41:43


Tell your MIL to fuck off and keep her germy carcass away from your newborn!

Seriously, even if she was the loveliest woman on the planet you wouldn't want her round your newborn if she's ill. She's given you a cast iron excuse not to see them....

Hissy Sat 25-May-13 15:01:33

You know i'm sure I heard that pneumonia is dangerous to be around for.. ooh, let's say, 6 months wink

Hissy Sat 25-May-13 15:02:53

Or was it 6 years...

Best to err on the side of caution i'd say...

FriendofDorothy Sat 25-May-13 15:42:31

Better off without them. My inlaws are a pain at times but they are saints in comparison to yours!

Thumbwitch Sat 25-May-13 15:53:52

God you poor woman!
I've just been having a wee whinge about my own MIL on FB, but jeez, she's a solid gold saint when measured against yours! shock

I'd say the illness is at the very least exaggerated, how on earth can they know it's pneumonia without having seen the doctor?

Your DH - God love him - needs to realise that they don't actually have any hold over him bar what he allows them to have. They sound bloody awful, and quite frankly you'd ALL be better off without them in your lives at all - so he should stand up to them and let them make their own choice as to whether that involves them being cut off from him/ their DGC. Obviously you and your DC will be the better for it, but what does he get out of the relationship with them? Cos it doesn't sound like anything good.

I hope that they continue to stay away - see if you can offend them slightly a little more, perhaps by suggesting that you don't want them seeing your new shiny baby while there's the least chance of them infecting her - and that you can find a way forward that doesn't involve this dire situation continuing.

Congratulations on your new DD, btw! thanks

BerylStreep Sun 26-May-13 20:06:22

Congrats on your new DD!

They are vile. I honestly think you should put your foot down and tell them they are not welcome in your house. They hate you anyway, so what have you got to lose? Your DH doesn't seem able to stand up to them, so you need to.

And on a very serious note, if your MIL is unwell, don't let her anywhere near you or DD.

mathanxiety Mon 27-May-13 03:49:55

Tired, your H needs to go to counselling and try to get to the point where he can stand up to his parents. Do you think he might be willing to do this? I can't see him just standing up one fine day and flipping them the bird all on his own. He needs help. His parents sound like brainwashers.

You could maybe get him a copy of 'Toxic Parents', by Susan Forward.
Maybe he cold browse through 'Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self', by Charles Whitfield.
'Adult Children: Secrets of Dysfunctional Families' by John and Linda Friel might hit the spot too.

theoriginalmrstiredandconfused Mon 27-May-13 07:33:46

Firstly, huge congrats on your DD! Lovely news!

Sorry but it would be a cold day in hell before I let her into my home again. You don't need the excuse that she is ill not to see her (although I agree that this is perfect) - you do not have to put up with their shit, they are utterly vile and have put up with them for quite long enough.

I know you feel like you are giving DH an ultimatum, but you're not - he is more than welcome to see them if he wishes, but they are not your responsibility.

And fuck this whole "inviting themselves over" lark - remember, no is a complete sentence. And if that means that they don't get to meet your newborn then, frankly, sod it. You would all be far better off without them. (I say that as a perpetual mug who has finally been pushed far enough to go no contact with a close relative - it has taken years so I don't say this lightly)

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