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Is this normal life coz I don't like it!

(15 Posts)
annabanana84 Tue 14-May-13 08:09:44

Dp and I live together. Have done for a while. No DC yet. He works full time self employed around 75 hours per week. I work part time 22 hours a week. He has one day off a week. Because of his hours he often goes to bed early and gets up really early. He does no housework at all, which I think may be ok given the hours he works, but when I say no housework, I mean no housework at all!

In fairness, he does take me away every few months for a nice night in a hotel, but I'm starting to feel really unhappy at all the housework I have to do and how messy he is. I have even started to cook all the meals too as he doesn't clean up properly after cooking, and gets all huffy and makes me feel like I'm nagging him when I ask him to clean properly. I am sad.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 14-May-13 08:23:54

Working long hours isn't an excuse for being messy - tidy habits (bringing crockery back to kitchen even if you are the one who often washes up; putting dirty laundry in basket and putting a load on to wash sometimes, even if you usually do the drying/folding because you're there more; cleaning bath/shower after himself, etc. Where a couple work very different hours there's a balance to he struck, but it's not carte blanche for the long-hours one to be a messy oaf. He'd have to do it all himself if he lived alone, after all - maybe worth reminding him of that..

SavoyCabbage Tue 14-May-13 08:24:42

Well there is normal but till two weeks ago I was working only a couple of days a week and my dh was working full time and I was doing everything in the home.

70 hours is a lot of hours. I would expect him to put his washing in the basket and his cups I the dishwasher but I wouldn't expect him to mop the floors.

FlumpsRule Tue 14-May-13 08:27:49

Not surprised you're sad. It sounds like a rut you're getting into.. left with all the housework/cleaning because it suits the hours you work.

Does your Dp have to work so much? Is there a reason you don't work ft? If you did, maybe the house would become a shared responsibility again... Totally sympathise with your frustration. Hope someone with brill advice comes along soon.

sooperdooper Tue 14-May-13 08:28:36

I would expect him to not make mess that is avoidable, cups/plates in dishwasher or kitchen, washing in basket, towels not left on the floor,, wipe surface after making a cup of tea etc

sooperdooper Tue 14-May-13 08:29:07

Could you afford a cleaner?

Fairylea Tue 14-May-13 08:29:41

Hmm to be honest with that many hours and you working less I'd expect him to do very little around the house except put cups in the dishwasher and generally pick up his own litter etc. I would be the same regardless of if sexes were reversed. Its a LOT of hours to be working.

My dh works 60 hours a week. I am a sahm with 2 dc and I do everything at home. Personally I like it like that as I'm very particularabout how I like things done anyway!

I wouldn't expect dh to do housework etc after working 14 hour days. He does however put the bins out as I hate doing that and does the garden etc.

BeckAndCall Tue 14-May-13 08:37:07

There is a big difference between busy and messy and only you know which side of the line he's on. If he's messy you might just try now to change a few things and get them to stick eg clothes in linen basket, dishes train away.

But he is very busy. Even if he works 7 days a week that's more than 10 hours a day. Is that plus travelling?

And tbh, how messy can a house with 2 people be? If you have DC it will be exponentially worse, so the time to make changes is now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 08:38:42

Two adults living in the same place, you have to have some basic rules of engagement about 'mess'. Clearing up after yourself and putting things away after you've used them is basic civilised, considerate, house-sharing behaviour. For actual scrubbing & cleaning, rather than spending cash on weekends in hotels, get a cleaner. Solves a lot of problems.

Kione Tue 14-May-13 08:42:02

I agree with everyone, I wouldnt expect him to do housework after workin so much, but you can ask him nicely to be tidier. You are not his maid.

2rebecca Tue 14-May-13 08:53:07

What would he do re housework if he lived alone? With that many hours a week there's not much time for housework so I'd expect employ a cleaner and/or live on takeaways.
If you aren't happy doing all the housework (and most women wouldn't be) then you discuss who is going to do his share of the housework if he isn't willing to do it and it putting you off the relationship as you don't want to be a maid.
These things are best sorted as early in a relationship as possible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-May-13 08:55:00

Seriously... just pay someone to keep the place clean. I've had a cleaner since I earned enough to afford one and I'm single. Me and DS have to keep the place tidy between visits - and I make sure he does his bit - but life's far too short to scrub floors.

valiumredhead Tue 14-May-13 09:09:41

What has taking you away to a hotel go to do with hime being tidier and doing his bit? confused

Any how, 75 hrs is a LOT hours, dh used to do similar and he was fit for nothing but he still did the garden and DIY and other bits.

He would have to do a bit of he lived on his own so you need to have a chat or get a cleaner but cleaning up after yourself is pretty basic stuff.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 14-May-13 09:14:14

Is this the same guy who is planning to sell his house/retire early or whatever?

tallwivglasses Tue 14-May-13 09:28:20

What does he do exactly in those 70 - odd hours? I'm self employed anw I can spend a day grafting hard but it's essy to slip into spending time 'networking' on Facebook, designing something pretty, sorting a drawer, mumsnetting etc. might he be sciving?

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