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Sex once a month for 12 months - please help me restart it

(26 Posts)
SadSexLife Tue 14-May-13 08:06:22

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SadSexLife Tue 14-May-13 08:11:38

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purplewithred Tue 14-May-13 08:19:23

Is the issue frequency or quality? Pretty pointless having more 'short rubbish' sex isn't it? Enjoying it more will make it much less of a chore, surely.

SadSexLife Tue 14-May-13 08:26:37

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trice Tue 14-May-13 08:32:52

Are his hormone levels ok? It could just be a physical problem.

SadSexLife Tue 14-May-13 08:43:59

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hobbknob Tue 14-May-13 09:24:31

We've had dry spells. Working on it now.
We have been going to bed earlier and just spending time together there naked. No pressure to have sex, sometimes we just cuddle and kiss but it invariably does lead to sex.
But for some reason, the fact that we've both said 'no pressure' means it does tend to happen.

Good luck, it's worth working hard together xxx

SadSexLife Tue 14-May-13 09:46:52

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Almostfifty Tue 14-May-13 11:30:09

If you're both tired at night, what about weekend mornings?

Daisy17 Tue 14-May-13 11:40:04

I really sympathise. We read an article in which a long married couple said if you wait for spontaneity it will never happen. So we instigated our Sexy Nights. We have one each a week, and on our night we get to ask the other person for whatever we want. Might just be a massage, might be sexy stroking, a big snog or (TMI!) oral sex. There is no pressure for it to turn into "full" sex, or for orgasms to occur, the person whose night it is is just allowed to lie back and enjoy. It means we get up to something regularly, enjoy each other, and surprisingly often we end up having sex anyway, even if we have both thought we were way to tired to get turned on at all. It's been so good for us, I feel quite evangelical about it!

Saidar Tue 14-May-13 12:34:55

Do you mind me asking what the run up to sex is like? Is it following on from the hugging and kissing?

hobbknob Tue 14-May-13 13:53:12

Hey OP.

Our dry spells are caused by any number of things, mostly being tired from work, different working hours, just generally not being very in sync with each other. Also i gained a lot of weight and it killed most of my confidence. We have to actively work at having sex, it doesn't just happen regularly with us, sounds like you may be similar.

Also, one of our problems was that my DP got used to pleasuring himself as i went through a time of not wanting sex, hardly ever, and so he then had problems ejaculating when we had sex. So we came to an agreement that he would not wank and save it up for me - it made a huuuuge difference and I think we are getting back on track. Obv I don't expect him to NEVER wank but for now, he's trying not to.

It doesn't sound righ that your OH never initiates sex, you need to talk about that and dig out the reason for that.

Just try to have some naked time together in bed, either morning or evening. No phones, TV, books. Just the two of you, even if you have a nice chat. Have you tried massage? Talking about fantasies and turn ons?

hobbknob Tue 14-May-13 13:53:45

Oh and I find, the more sex you have, the more sex you want so try to build it up and you'll prob find you feel randier anyway :-)

SadSexLife Tue 14-May-13 14:56:13

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SadSexLife Tue 14-May-13 14:58:15

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jayho Tue 14-May-13 15:03:55

Happened to me and my when we were mid twenties and career building. We solved it by meeting for a drink after work on Friday,often not until 10pm, off loading the week then he'd get the coffee and papers saturday morning and back to bed for a shag and my turn sundays. Then we started to develop sexual forfeits to swap turns........ worked rather wellgrin

SadSexLife Tue 14-May-13 22:48:03

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BOF Tue 14-May-13 22:56:07

Do you sleep naked? It makes a difference.

MyFunDay Tue 14-May-13 23:02:07

Totally get how tired you are because of your jobs, we're both teachers and its really hard to get any sex in during the week especially with young children. We tend to do it at the weekend and lots more during the holidays!

Have you thought of psycho-sexual therapy for the two of you? Would your DH consider it?


YoniBottsBumgina Tue 14-May-13 23:09:49

When you say maybe you've forgotten how it works to get it all started, maybe that's the answer? Maybe you need to start from scratch again, act like inexperienced teenage virgins and rediscover the joy of kissing, then exploring each little stage etc before you move on to the next. I might be weird but this kind of thing really works for me, taking it back to basics, remembering what we actually like, having to be creative rather than going straight for the old tired routine which might be efficient, but is pretty boring.

MyFunDay Tue 14-May-13 23:12:05

Just read your post about the more you do it the more it happens. I think going from once a month to every day in a week is a bit much, you're setting up to fail.

Have you thought about taking the pressure off in terms of sex and get more sensual? So for example, set a rule, that you turn each other on but no orgasm. Stick to the rule. Do this a few times. Then agree that next time you do it, orgasm but only using different parts of body, not piv? So, you're making it more about playfulness and intimacy.

SadSexLife Wed 15-May-13 08:36:24

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SadSexLife Wed 15-May-13 13:18:38

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YoniBottsBumgina Wed 15-May-13 15:12:25

5 weeks isn't that long, try to relax about it. Putting pressure on yourself or DH isn't going to help matters at all, and it's not like it didn't happen last night because there was a problem with you two, it's just that life happened to get in the way.

Try to make a date night if you can but then don't be upset if full sex doesn't happen. You have to work up to these things and it takes trust and a relaxed environment. You can both talk about it which is a great sign, and don't forget to be intimate in other ways - without taking that as a cue for immediate sex. This is so important. I believe that your sex life as a couple WILL cone back, you just need to stop stressing that the lack of sex means something terrible because from the sounds of things you've both had q lot going on.

hobbknob Wed 15-May-13 20:27:53

We've gone 5 months without before. Honestly, don't get caught up with timings.
And try not to stew it over in your own head, you must talk it over together so you both know where you stand and to try to improve things.

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