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Would you be comfortable with your dp meeting up with an old friend...

(179 Posts)
annabanana84 Tue 14-May-13 07:31:40

...who happens to be female, very pretty and single?

They were good friends throughout childhood, and although they occasionally bump into each other while out shopping etc and say a quick hello, how are you?, they haven't remained in contact. There's never been any romantic history as far as I know.

Now they have arranged to meet up and go for a curry and a few drinks and a great big jolly old catch up, and I feel quite uncomfortable with this. DP doesn't have any female friends he sees out of work or otherwise anyway, he only ever goes out with his few male pals.

Viviennemary Tue 14-May-13 12:26:51

No I wouldn't be. I think you should be invited to join them. I don't think people with partners should be going on 'dates' with friends of the opposite sex.

halcyondays Tue 14-May-13 12:27:44

if there's never been any romantic history between them, then I would be quite happy with it. i'd be a bit uncomfortable about if it was an ex.

MirandaWest Tue 14-May-13 12:32:03

I trusted my XH - he has a lot of friends who are female. Didn't expect him to have an affair with and fall in love with one of his colleagues but these things happen. Preventing him seeing female friends wouldn't have made any difference tbh

nenevomito Tue 14-May-13 12:32:11

Yes I would. DH has female friends and I have male friends. My oldest friend is a man, who I had a brief relationship with many moons ago, but we go out for dinner whenever he is in town. DH doesn't mind as he trusts me completely - after all, it was him I married. DH goes out with his female friends as well and I don't mind at all.

I think it shows a lack of trust if you don't want your OH to have friends of the opposite sex.

Smellslikecatspee Tue 14-May-13 12:37:26

In general no, OH had a hobby that means he spends weekends away with a mixed group.

I know his friends as he does mine (he been known to pick/pour me and ex-boyfriend up from the pub before.

Because we have choosen to trust each other, however I'm not so naive to think that if he wanted to cheat he would.

The 'suddeness' of this new frienship or upping of the friendship might raise a question from me, the lack of an invite to me would also make me go hmm because I would see it as common curtesy to be included in such a social event.

No I'm not one of thoes who think that once you're in a couple you should be joined at the hip, but I would think it rude to told of this plan.

The thing is (a) if hes going to cheat he'll cheat nothing you do or don't do can change that. And (b) it sounds like you don't trust him, and you're feeling unhappy.

JenaiMorris Tue 14-May-13 12:41:49

I would run like the wind from any partner who tried to prevent me from meeting with an old friend (unless there were some pretty compelling reasons why I shouldn't) and I wouldn't dream of trying to control who my partner hangs out with (again, unless there were some very compelling reasons for me to be cautious). ANything else is a little unhinged, imo.

That's me however and I make a point of not sticking with crap partners - the OP apparently has other threads on the go about her rubbish relationship so it's all by the by, really.

Pigsmummy Tue 14-May-13 12:47:08

I want a curry now!!!!! YABU let him go for the curry and get a date booked in the diary for a night out with the firms where you can slag her off.

LadyBigtoes Tue 14-May-13 12:48:23

DP occasionally meets a couple of his exes for lunch when they are in town and I'm OK with it - he tells me, and I don't think anything funny is going on. I don't want to go I don't like them they are bonkers but I would expect him to be OK with me doing it, and the same with a friend.

I do think one of them is still a bit needy on him, and I do notice when other women get the hots for him once in a while. But you can't stop that happening anyway, it's for him to deal with. You can't check out and police everyone your partner has dealings with.

TobyLerone Tue 14-May-13 12:49:23

What Jenai said.

AThingInYourLife Tue 14-May-13 12:51:54

I think Rooney has it.

If I were planning to catch up with a childhood friend I had lost touch with, I would not arrange to spend an entire evening in their exclusive company.

And if they suggested something like that I would back off.

In this situation you would meet for coffee, or a quick pint after work.

Regardless of gender, deciding to spend the entire evening with someone you barely know any more is weird.

At least one of the parties to this arrangement has not good good boundaries.

DH goes for dinner with his female friends whenever he wants.

But if he was suddenly taking a passing acquaintance he knew as a child out for dinner, I'd be hmm

My boundaries involve not being married to an idiot or someone who thinks I'm an idiot.

He'd never do this though.

And not would I.

Unless I was after a shag, it sounds excruciating.

Lovecat Tue 14-May-13 12:52:44

If her name is Tiphony, no.

Otherwise, it wouldn't bother me, DH has met an ex before now for lunch and it's no problem. I only have one ex <boring> but if I wanted to meet up with him I'd be hmm if DH had a problem with it.

Chandon Tue 14-May-13 12:58:01

It is weird of them to have excluded you.

Why did he not invite her over to your home? Then she could meet his family, and it would be normal and fun.

Sounds like they fancy a trip to the past, or something

JenaiMorris Tue 14-May-13 12:59:08

If I were planning to catch up with a childhood friend I had lost touch with, I would not arrange to spend an entire evening in their exclusive company.

I would. I can't think of a reason not to, tbh.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 13:02:25

Yep I would too jenai. I don't see why my dh would be interested in being the third wheel in a night out with someone I'd known as a child. Him sitting there like a lemon would make me feel divided and stop me catching up with the friend or really spending time with DH, it's just make the whole thing weird and probably make the friend a bit nervous.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 13:05:06

But then I am worried this thread will make the op feel she shouldn't be concerned when she may well have reason to be, not so much because of this single issue, but more generally about a DP who seems to be taking her for granted.

But then she hasn't posted in a while.

AnyFucker Tue 14-May-13 13:08:05

This is the problem with OP's posting repeatedly for advice on discrete issues, rather than giving the full picture.

JenaiMorris Tue 14-May-13 13:10:03

Indeed, Offred. It wouldn't be an issue for me, but then my partner and I don't really have other issues (well we do, but not ones that would be relevant here).

QuintessentialOHara Tue 14-May-13 13:10:59

To be perfectly honest, I think you should let him go and if you are lucky she might take him off your hands. Who need lazy and selfish men?

This is not really the only issue you have with him, is it?

DoctorAnge Tue 14-May-13 13:11:51

I am honestly shocked that so many Women would feel resentful of their DH spending time with female friends. Genuine question - do you trust your partners? Are you confident in yourselves?

AThingInYourLife Tue 14-May-13 13:14:22

If one of the women that was once one of the girls I used to play with as a child asked me to go for dinner and drinks with them I would think they were needy and creepy and not someone I wanted to renew a friendship with.

It's just coming on way too strong for that to be your first social outing for decades.

A childhood friend you have lost touch with is basically a stranger you share a past with.

You might really want to get to know them as an adult, and be very well disposed to becoming friends again.

But the chances that you won't get along as adults, that you won't have anything in common once you've finished reminiscing, are as high as with most new acquaintances.

It is not usual to go from passing acquaintance to going out for dinner together.

That is something people who are becoming friends build up to gradually.

The only time when it is usual to bypass a gradual increase in social intimacy is when at least one party is interested in a sexual relationship.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 13:16:40

Thinking about it in a role reversal type way, I equally have zero interest in any partners of my friends. Happy to meet them, don't want to go out for dinner and drink with them, want to see the friend who is the person that I actually like and want to spend time with. If my friends said "oh my DP wants to come along too" I'd be a bit "oh right... Why?" And it'd probably put me off spending time with that friend. I have had friendships die that way a few times tbh because of partners feeling they need to warn me off. Not interested in that, never care about any friend all that much that I'd be bothered enough to deal with that or insist I was more important than their partner.

JenaiMorris Tue 14-May-13 13:16:45

It comes down, to me, to not wanting to be in a relationship with a person who couldn't trust me (or who I couldn't trust).

Chandon Tue 14-May-13 13:17:16

Not resentful doc, but maybe a bit older than you ( and seen a bit more).

I would not be resentful, I would "allow" him to go ( although we do not control eachother, ask for permission, we just do things, so we would "tell" eachother I guess).

I am not insecure.

I just don't see why the partner has to be excluded.

And would wonder why that is.

DH has female friends, and I have male friends, and we do sometimes meet up , with or without partners, but we never set it up deliberately to exclude a partner. That is the " strange" bit.

Offred Tue 14-May-13 13:17:58

We don't know what's gone on between the DP and the friend though. They may have built up to it. There are a few childhood friends I have gone through phases of not speaking so much to and then randomly resumed closeness because of one circumstance or another.

QuintessentialOHara Tue 14-May-13 13:19:35

We also dont know how good ops relationship with her dp is, either....

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