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Husband of 2 weeks has cheats :-( devastated

(106 Posts)
mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 14:59:12

Hi there,
I'm writing, not for sympathy, but advice on how to deal with a situation .
Me and my husband have been together 7 years and got married 4 weeks ago now, and we have a little daughter of 6 months, a happy home, and a importable life.

2 weeks ago I go onto our family computer, and find within his e-mails messages from a woman stating "last nig was amazing, I can't wait until next time" as we'll as similar replies from my husband. I was go smacked and confronted him staright away, not in a shouting way, but I was surprised at how calm I talked about it.

He told me he did it because we've not been the same since having a child, and we've been pushing each other away. He told me he paid this woman (an escort he seeked out online) £50 and mt her at a cheap hotel for an hour, and that was it.

I emailed this woman, and spoke with her on the whole with my husband present and demanded to know everything.
She told me he booked a posh hotel with afour poster bed & paid £250 for the night with her & she wanted more..
He had told her he wasn't married, had no kids, lied about his occupation & said he had so much money he didn't now what to do with it ll.

2 weeks prior to this, he'd been on a course with work & our daughter was ill then, & he was short with me on the phone the whole time when I was crying I opulent cope alone, and now know those 2 weeks he was calling her for hours on end, it makes me so so sad.

The upshot is, that I've oven him one last chance ( he's done this sort of thing before when I was pregnant, but didn't carry it through- I found the messages prior to anything happening) but what I'm finding so difficult is trusting him, stopping thinking about it etc.

Or sex life has improved since, and we've been making more efforts etc. he's doing morefornour daughter ( he hadn't seemed fussed previously & I was buying her everything etc.)
He's been treated good at home from the moment we met. I run his baths, set his clothes out, support him in his hobbies, work etc. I cook, clean...he doesn't have to lift a finger. I also have a good sex drive, so it can't be that I'm frigid.

I almost feel jealous of the night he gave her. He said he was trying to relive our wedding night, as we had a room with a 4 poster bed, but I fell asleep on the wedding night because I'd been up so so early etc, so I didn't put out.

Please help me think of a way back to happy. I'm even considering booking a male escort myself, just to get even, and then we can start a fresh from there. E're supposed to be moving house this week for a fresh start, but it feels horrible with this hanging over me, the worry, the doubts, and e sad hurt feeling ebbing away within.

What can I possibly do? Xx

ChippingInIsMissingHerLatte Sat 18-May-13 20:12:30

Why give him another chance?

simplesusan Sat 18-May-13 20:06:51

Lots of very good adviceon here.

I totally agree that you are "the nice wifey at home."

Yet he longs for dirty sex with either a stranger or a prostitute.

The more you keep on cleaning, laying out his clothes (is he 7 years old?) etc the more he will view you as the nice wife and the appeal of another woman will intensify.

He has been brought up this way by the sounds of it, it's in his genes after all.

The fact that he is in the forces does not bode well. So much opportunity to put his cock into anything he likes.

You will spend a lifetime worrying and of course he will lie, he won't want to lose his meal ticket will he?

I really don't see a happy ending here.

There is a glimmer of hope on the horizon but that is only if you ltb and I would never say that lightly.

Good luck with your decision.

Lweji Sat 18-May-13 15:18:37

Just to point out that HIV can show up up to 6 months later. Keep safe!

And it's not an issue of finding you sexy or not.
He's just a cheater.

mummy2lola Sat 18-May-13 14:32:24

Std checked & we're both clear

mummy2lola Sat 18-May-13 14:32:04

What do you mean ? He'll never find me sexy? :-(

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 14:01:33

It is sold as a 'dating site' but I think the name of the site gives you some clue as to what sort of misogynist would use it hmm

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 15-May-13 13:59:40

"You are the mother and will never be the sex object these other ladies are." from AnAirofHope

This, imho, is the foundation of the circumstances.

I have my fingers crossed for you, OP, that you don't already have an STD.

Buzzardbird Wed 15-May-13 13:57:15

Have looked up 'local slags' also known as 'local shags', it is not an escort site, it is a site for meeting up with local single girls who are up for it.

Mumsyblouse Wed 15-May-13 12:22:40

I find the idea of my beloved husband using a prostitute worse than having a relationship with someone else- the fact that he thinks it is better just says what type of man he is. Paying for sex is a complete dealbreaker for me and it should be for you too, OP, especially as he's clearly a repeat offender.

AnAirOfHope Wed 15-May-13 10:44:53

He thinks of you as his mum and you love him and take care of him but he has sex with other woman he fancies and will do so for as long as you stay to be treatef as such.

It will not get better he will hide it better.

Never have sex with out a condom with him including blowjobs as its only a matter of time before he gets a STD.

You are the mother and will never be the sex object these other ladies are. This is what your children will learn is the norm just like your dh has.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 15-May-13 00:47:01

Hello OP

I'm so sorry you are going through this it is awful for you.

First of all, you will never be happy with this man.
I agree with so many comments from posts above.

Reliving your wedding night. Laughable. This would entail you being there, not another woman.

Prostitutes don't behave like that, they take the money. Unless she was play acting with the emails and your dh was paying for this.
Coming from a broken home is far better than seeing your mum repeatedly treated like this.
You run baths for him, put his clothes out. You are mothering a grown man.
He has not taken to being a daddy until recently, this would seriously worry me.
You are putting up with this from a man who sees you as gullible, a push over, and happy to put up with his infidelity.

OP this man will bring you heartbreak and could ruin the life of your dc if you stay together. They pick up on things no matter how much you try to shelter them. Please do yourself a favour and leave this parasite. You owe it to yourself, dc and your future happiness.
You can do it, and you will cope.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 15-May-13 00:24:00

Advice: understand that your happily ever after dream that you described of house/ kids/ dh just is not going to happen with this man. Close, but there are deal breaker faults here that goes way beyond overlooking a few blemishes/warts, or "well, it just isn't a perfect world is it?" Some things we settle for, some things we don't: this is definitely a don't.

Advice: understand that he is treating you as though you were psychologically/mentally twelve years old. He thinks you are stupid....and your tolerance for, as well as the whole dynamic surrounding his cheating pretty much validates his opinion (to him). Calling his dad about his cheating ...I mean I'm embarrassed for you. Stop being a push-over so agreeable to every lie, excuse, script, story he tells you.

Advice: whatever guide you are presently following for dealing with a cheating husband, you should burn.

Advice: but you love him, really really love him. I know it hurts, but he just doesn't feel the same way about you. Please think with your head now and not your heart ( or vajajay if the sex is outstanding) because the very real threat of the STIs is very real and very serious and could very likely fuck up your life forever. (And then you might think you should have taken the advice of all those strangers all over the planet who said to leave the relationship...But it will be too late then, with your physical health permanently damaged.) Just saying, please don't ignore this aspect.

Advice: you have your dd, the best of him, you will not be lonely. Don't discount that. Of all the posts you have received so far, I think the most important ones are from the ladies speaking from experience about leaving the relationship while the children are very young (or wishing they had). This is an example of the true and tremendous value of MN.

Sorry if this advice sounds harsh, I am outraged on your behalf. Is it too late for an annulment?
Are you afraid of him?

badinage Wed 15-May-13 00:06:39

I don't think it's 'sad' that this is invading 'every moment of every day' OP. I think these are your instincts trying to overpower your denial and by christ, those instincts are right.

I think you are trying to get yourself to believe the unbelievable and trust the untrustworthy. Your heart says yes but your gut and your logical brain says no.

Not even very deep down you must know he's told you a pack of lies and that this is on top of the earlier lies he told you when you were pregnant. A layer below that I expect you know intuitively that these are just two occasions you've managed to discover his antics, but that there will have been others that escaped you.

You can change your mind about forgiving him. No-one's going to court martial you for making a different decision now that the shock is wearing off and the urge to forgive must have been especially appealing just a fortnight after your wedding. Everyone will get that and understand.

ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 14-May-13 21:08:55

The only reason you should be going to counselling is in order to help you leave.

It should not be to help you stay in this abusive marriage!

OnTheNingNangNong Tue 14-May-13 20:05:43

Are you going to get checked for STI's?

The counselling won't help one jot. You've let him get away with it, he treats you like dirt and you keep coming back. He thinks he has it all sussed.

For the sake of your daughter and yourself, LTB. He will grind you down until there's nothing left.

He is vile.

FreakOfNature Tue 14-May-13 19:32:48

OP, it's unusual in military circles to be with somebody for so many years before getting married, I'm guessing you have spent a huge amount of time apart? Please look back over your relationship and ask yourself how well you know your husband because there is every chance he has done this many times before. Unfortunately, it is very common sad

I second getting STI tested too, DH is a medical professional in the forces, he spends most of his day swabbing penis's with the odd vagina thrown in too.

mummy2lola Tue 14-May-13 18:38:26

I wish to god this was all made up and not real, but sadly it's invading every moment of everyday. I'm an optimist, and want to give the counselling a go, even ifhe needs it long term.

knitknack Tue 14-May-13 17:19:14

Urgh, I'd LTB for using the phrase 'didn't put out' tbh. Revolting.

Are you not allowed feelings?

Crinkle77 Tue 14-May-13 14:57:08

Sorry but he is a complete and utter twat. He was trying to relive your wedding night with someone else? Why didn't he try and relive it with you? And to turn it round to blame you cos you wouldn't put out on your wedding night is ridiculous. You have spent your whole relationship trying to do everything to please him and this is how he repays you. I think he sees you as a push over. He knows you are devoted to him and won't leave him so thinks he can get away with behaving in this appalling manner. You and your daughter deserve to be treated better than this. Show him the door.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 14-May-13 14:39:51

I'm always broke & get no money help, but somehow scrape by. I put everyone before myself

Why is it you don't get any money help.

Seriously, this guy is abusing you massively!! In all sorts of ways.

Call Womens Aid and get yourself the hell out of there!

I agree up post that this sounds a bit weird - so much doesn't add up.

I can't believe anyone would believe the load of crap this guys is spouting.

And only twice!!! Yeah right - only the twice you've found out about.

Run away right now and don't look back!

OhLori Tue 14-May-13 13:59:51

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ChocsAwayInMyGob Tue 14-May-13 11:10:15

I don't think it's nice to call troll when this could well be a woman at the end of her tether.

OhLori Tue 14-May-13 10:13:39

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Madlizzy Tue 14-May-13 10:07:59

The STI possibility is a biggie here. He could become HIV positive and pass it on to you, he could give you herpes (with you for life), genital warts (which have the virus that can cause cervical cancer), syphillis, chlamydia (loss of fertility); the list is long, and all because he thinks he can do what he likes. Think on that. x

LapsedPacifist Tue 14-May-13 09:55:07

OP, either he's lied to you telling you the OW was a prostitute, or he's lied to a prostitute and convinced her he wants a long term relationship with her, only 4 weeks after marrying YOU! shock

Either way, the ridiculous stories he's told you means he thinks you (and all other women) are thick and will believe anything. He will do this again and again because he thinks you are too stupid to catch him out, and if you find out he can just make up more lies and you will believe him, AGAIN. And unfortunately, too many men in the forces use prostitutes and don't REALLY believe they are doing anything wrong.

Do you really want to be married to a man who thinks you are an idiot and doesn't even have enough respect for you and your DD to keep his dick in his pants for a month after your wedding? The one where he SWORE he could be faithful to you in front of all your family and friends? Do you think a man who thinks it's normal to have sex with prostitutes is a good person to bring up your daughter?

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