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Husband of 2 weeks has cheats :-( devastated

(106 Posts)
mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 14:59:12

Hi there,
I'm writing, not for sympathy, but advice on how to deal with a situation .
Me and my husband have been together 7 years and got married 4 weeks ago now, and we have a little daughter of 6 months, a happy home, and a importable life.

2 weeks ago I go onto our family computer, and find within his e-mails messages from a woman stating "last nig was amazing, I can't wait until next time" as we'll as similar replies from my husband. I was go smacked and confronted him staright away, not in a shouting way, but I was surprised at how calm I talked about it.

He told me he did it because we've not been the same since having a child, and we've been pushing each other away. He told me he paid this woman (an escort he seeked out online) £50 and mt her at a cheap hotel for an hour, and that was it.

I emailed this woman, and spoke with her on the whole with my husband present and demanded to know everything.
She told me he booked a posh hotel with afour poster bed & paid £250 for the night with her & she wanted more..
He had told her he wasn't married, had no kids, lied about his occupation & said he had so much money he didn't now what to do with it ll.

2 weeks prior to this, he'd been on a course with work & our daughter was ill then, & he was short with me on the phone the whole time when I was crying I opulent cope alone, and now know those 2 weeks he was calling her for hours on end, it makes me so so sad.

The upshot is, that I've oven him one last chance ( he's done this sort of thing before when I was pregnant, but didn't carry it through- I found the messages prior to anything happening) but what I'm finding so difficult is trusting him, stopping thinking about it etc.

Or sex life has improved since, and we've been making more efforts etc. he's doing morefornour daughter ( he hadn't seemed fussed previously & I was buying her everything etc.)
He's been treated good at home from the moment we met. I run his baths, set his clothes out, support him in his hobbies, work etc. I cook, clean...he doesn't have to lift a finger. I also have a good sex drive, so it can't be that I'm frigid.

I almost feel jealous of the night he gave her. He said he was trying to relive our wedding night, as we had a room with a 4 poster bed, but I fell asleep on the wedding night because I'd been up so so early etc, so I didn't put out.

Please help me think of a way back to happy. I'm even considering booking a male escort myself, just to get even, and then we can start a fresh from there. E're supposed to be moving house this week for a fresh start, but it feels horrible with this hanging over me, the worry, the doubts, and e sad hurt feeling ebbing away within.

What can I possibly do? Xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 15:32:22

" I put everyone before myself"

Time to put yourself first because no-one else will. This is your life and no-one is going to look after your best interests other than you. His Dad is already giving him permission to shag around and, if you don't kick him out, you're essentially giving him the same message. 'I don't matter'.

There's no good next step from here. Whether he stays or goes your life will never be the same. But if he goes at least you can hold your head up and know that you retained your self-respect.

Hullygully Mon 13-May-13 15:32:47

You sound really like the playdate nightmare woman. Are you related?

Sunnywithshowers Mon 13-May-13 15:34:01

OP did you post about his behaviour before your wedding? It sounds familiar.

He is an utter, utter shit and you and your DC deserve much better.

LadyInDisguise Mon 13-May-13 15:37:15

Your dd is only 6 months old. Of course she loves her father but do you want her to grow up thinking it's normal for a husband to cheat?

He has broken his vows and his family.
Your dd is alresady growing in a 'broken home', a home broken by her father not you.

To save such a marriage, he would need to really do a hell of a lot of regain your trust (Because that's completely normal you can't stop thinking about it! A very natural reaction) and for you to stop thinking about it.

Now I would like to know. What is he doing to regain your trust? What is he doing to prove his really sorry and it was wrong to go and see an OW? What sort of 'big changes' is he doing?

Fwiw, I wouldn't have been able to have sex with a man who had just told me he was cheating on me tbh. Actually I would have expected him to propose a time wo sex until things have calmed down and he had proven he really wanted to make things better.

AnAirOfHope Mon 13-May-13 15:37:32

Ask him to leave

Get a dr appointment and get checked for STIs

Make an appointment with a lawyer for a devioce on grounds of cheating (you only have 6 months for this or you can no longer use that and have to wait two years or list 5 unreasonable acts by him)

Tell your family and friends what he did and ask for support thru this hard time.

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 16:00:00

I'm not afraid of going it alone if he fails his last chance, nor am I in doubt that anybody else would love me, but I love this man, I really do & so does dd. I love the man

HotBurrito1 Mon 13-May-13 16:01:29

If he doesn't do this again it will be truly astonishing.

All the best OP.

50shadesofvomit Mon 13-May-13 16:11:10

Sounds like you are going through "hysterical bonding" rather than love.

You've been given great advice but it boils down to this- he doesn't love you as much as you think you love him. It's possible to be a great Dad but shit husband and its better if your dd doesn't see the shit husband bit.

BarredfromhavingStella Mon 13-May-13 16:14:52

Why are you tolerating this shit from him? You have a daughter-are you happy to bring her up thinking that the behaviour he demonstrates to you is acceptable in any way??? hmm

Oh & no, she definitely is not a prostitute

Xales Mon 13-May-13 16:19:07

So what is the truth OP?

He paid £50 for an hour or £250 for a whole night?

A prostitute thought he was amazing and wanted to do it again hmm An OW may want that. A prostitute just wants the money.

A prostitute wouldn't give a shit he was married and talk to you or cry.

He has done it before. No consequences then just like now so he will do it again.

He spent how much while you are skint and putting everyone first.

If you are determined to stay with this man you are going to have to accept he will sleep around. He may use prostitutes.

Please use condoms and get regular STI checks.

Also please consider he may catch something through oral sex and you and your DD will be at risk as he continues.

badinage Mon 13-May-13 16:22:04

I bet you said that it was his 'last chance' when he was messaging prostitutes while you were pregnant.

He knows his 'last chances' are infinite but even so, he'll get a bit better at hiding his tracks and stashing money away for his extra-marital sex habit. You'll be poor as well as cheated on.

If you posted this thread for advice on how to brainwash yourself into trusting this bloke, you came to the wrong place. The only people you'll get any advice from of that kind will be doormats who are putting up with the same or the usual tossers who invade any prostitute thread. I expect they'll be along tonight at some unearthly hour which is when they usually strike, so expect a few men can't help their urges type posts, or a few pats on the head for being a good girl and realising the error of your ways by even dreaming to think that women are human beings worthy of respect.

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 16:50:00

Not posted before

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 16:54:15

He found her on a site called ' local shags' I've seen her profile :-(

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 16:54:16

You may love the man but he doesn't love you enough to keep his cock and his credit card in his pants... hmm This is only the last chance until the next one, isn't it?

TeaOneSugar Mon 13-May-13 16:58:28

I wouldn't let my daughter see me putting up with that sort of behaviour. Don't kid yourself that this is a one off or that she won't notice.

BeCool Mon 13-May-13 17:00:50

The reason you are finding it hard to trust him is he is COMPLETELY untrustworthy.

You run his baths, dress him and do everything in the home for him - well he has it made doesn't he? He's happy to have a skivvy at home, who will repeatedly fall for his lies and give him "2nd" chances while he spends family cash fucking prostitutes, or renting fancy hotels to spend time with OW.

He's not changing - are you mummy2lola?
You need to start putting yourself and child first. LTB - he will never change.

BTW the bit about the prostitute being devastated is bizarre. I too think it's an OW he is meeting with rather than a prostitute.

Windingdown Mon 13-May-13 17:04:43

Local shags? Oh that's just lovely.

PacificDogwood Mon 13-May-13 17:07:02

He will not change. Unless he decides to.
And why should he?? YOU are bending over backwards to do everything for him. His life is just fine and dandy (apart from having been found out).

And yes, I agree with what others has said: from what you are saying your 'home' is already 'broken' (hate the phrase btw).

Take some time to recover from the shock and consider what you want the rest of your life and your daughter's life to be like.

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 17:29:00

You're right cogito. This is the very last chance & there will be no more, that's it. No more lies & big changes will have to happen. My condition of this new chance is marraige counselling.... He needs it and I need it .

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 17:30:29

He's in the armed forces...

mummy2lola Mon 13-May-13 17:33:42

I know it's broken. I want so desperately to seek professional help so we can fix it.
The ow was found on an Internet escort site for our local area- I'm just confused as to why he needed to call her for hours on end etc.. Making promises to be together- she fell for his lies & was going to stop the £250 payment he'd made with view of a future together.

crunchbag Mon 13-May-13 17:40:38

He's been treated good at home from the moment we met. I run his baths, set his clothes out, support him in his hobbies, work etc. I cook, clean...he doesn't have to lift a finger. I also have a good sex drive, so it can't be that I'm frigid

Stop doing all that or better show him the door.

brianbennettfan Mon 13-May-13 17:46:09

I am having a hell of a job typing due to the fact that the bullshit alarm is sounding so loudly that I have to cover my ears.

He thinks it's OK to spend £250 on a night with a tart because he wants to recreate his wedding night? hmm

Said tart is devastated to find that he is married and has a child hmm

And you are responding to this by waiting on him hand and foot and sleeping with him. hmm

Boy do we ever need a bullshit emoticon.

I am happy to present you with my first MN LTB. Please make use of it to remove this lying disgusting cheating knobhead from your life.

And while you're at it, ring your father-in-law and tell him to fuck straight off with his mysoginistic shite about 'this is what men do'.

Have some self respect for God's sake.

runningforme Mon 13-May-13 17:47:50

This man has no respect for you or your daughter, or your marriage. I think you need to leave now before you allow him to hurt you further - because he can and will.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your daughter who will grow up to allow men to do the same thing to her if you don't stand firm now and get rid.

QuintessentialOHara Mon 13-May-13 17:55:34

So sorry.

Your child will grow up in a broken home whether you leave him or not. Your marriage IS broken. He did that. Not you. You will never be able to trust him because he is a liar and a cheat and he has done this before and will do so again because he can. He knows the only consequence is you ranting and crying for a few days, then he will get more sex, better care while you try to work even harder to keep him sweet. He is in this way rewarded, so of course he will do it again. Next time, you may even wipe his arse in an effort to sweeten him even more. Please dont be a mug. You cant change him, but you can change your life!

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