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I cant live like this any longer. I want to move away, DH won't and says he won't let me take the DCs either. Stalemate!

(20 Posts)
TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Mon 13-May-13 12:22:09

Firstly let me say that I suffer from OCD/panic disorder and am generally a bit nuts so have such low self esteem that I always think it's me in the wrong and I am to blame (shit childhood) so would like to have views on whether my H is right and it is all me. This has also come about after counselling due to the above.

H and I have been together 20 years. He has stated the following:

He does not love me, if I had not got pregnant with 16 year old DD, he would have left me as as he was planning to before I told him I was pregnant hmm, we had since had 3 further DC with me not knowing he felt that way.

He has lost his family and friends because of me. He is not from the UK. His family were going to disown him when he started a relationship with me. My SIL's have never accepted me and ignore texts I have sent enquiring if they are OK. My DC never receive birthday/Xmas cards/gifts from ANY of his family. We were living in a rat infested rented flat when I got pregnant and it was my decision to buy a house with a garden 30 miles outside London when I was pregnant that led to H 'losing his family and community' apparently. H was an illegal immigrant at that time and working illegally and could not get a mortgage so I had to do it all in my name. His family rarely visit or phone although I have often had his nieces and nephews to stay for weeks at a time which has NEVER been reciprocated. I even got his parents out of a refugee camp when the country was at war, and got them over here to live with us for a year. This Xmas I felt really embarrassed for my DCs that I had bought all the DCs and adults in his family presents but none of them had any presents for them.

I have disrespected him as I put weight on after our 2nd child died at birth and 'why would I want to have sex with a fat woman'. I apparently deceived him as I was a pretty stunning size 8 when we met and he did not start a relationship with 'that', i.e. Me.

It is ALL my fault that we have lost everything financially. We made the JOINT decision to move to Canada when H was made redundant here in the UK. At that point we had a massive mortgage and I had been a SAHM due to having twins and having had to give up my job as childcare was more than I earned. We took a holiday over there and H had a successful job interview so we sold up and moved over. Houses were cheap, job (on paper) would pay more than over here so we were supposed to have been 'flush' for the 1st time ever. I was so excited. It was a nightmare, H had a near fatal car crash shortly after we moved over there so had to take months off work unpaid. His company ripped him off and kept him on a 'training' wage to deliberately underpay him (happened to lots of expats we later found out) so he did not earn enough to even pay the mortgage and we could access no benefits. We had no legal recourse as we were on work visas while permanent residence was sorted and it would cost $sss. I was frantically searching for work and got to 2nd interview stage so many times but never made it. We tried to sell our house to release the equity to live on while we rented an apartment but it would'nt sell as the market had bottomed out. We returned to the UK a year later £15k in debt on our UK credit cards as we had to use them to buy food/pay bills and for hotels and flights back to the UK and having lost £70k in equity on our house which sold 4 months after we returned for the mortgage value only as it was auctioned. It was devastating and the start of my anxiety/panic attack spiral.

My mother has cut contact with me completely as I asked her why she kept isolating me in my room and telling me I was evil and crazy all through my childhood. I had been having counselling to get to the bottom of my constant panic attacks. I was still blind to her fucked up parenting and had to find out if I had done something awful which she had kept from me/I'd forgotten otherwise why was I singled out and physically and emotionally abused so badly (I actually think now it was because she knew I was sexually abused and decided to blame me). She hung up and has refused to speak to me since. H has been telling me that it's no wonder my family have cut me off, they are as sick of me as he is. I AM a nutter etc, he does not care why I am in mental distress I should just get over it, he does not need to read anything/come with me to the Drs so he can understand my symptoms. This hurts so badly as if the boot was on the other foot and he was suffering like I have been, I would have done everything in my power to help him, I would have researched everything, talked to anyone, made it as easy for him as possible.

We have lived in our current town for 6 years since we came back as H was offered a job here. We have had to rent as we have never had the money for a deposit to buy a house and credit is wrecked due to not being able to pay off credit cards (I went bankrupt for that). We rented 3 houses in 3 years, being moved on by the owner as wanted to sell. We could not continue paying £1300 a month on rent and constantly moving so went to the council for help to try to get a secure home. After 2 years in temp housing, we were placed in a 2nd floor flat and are now being harassed by the neighbours. My mental health has deteriorated since we have been here with no outside space and being high up. Council will not move us. I feel like I am trapped in hell.

The only thing we have in this town is H's job. I have never made friends due to my mental health (I cant make conversation/maybe come across as stuck up/feel very ashamed of my living situ). This summer, DC4 is due to go to pre-school, DSs are moving up to secondary school (very few boys from primary school going to our local one) and DD is due to be starting college, no one else from her 'group' on her course so it will be a fresh start for all of them.

To this end, I have decided that I would like to move down to where I grew up (not great homelife memories, mother no longer living there and I have always been fond of the town). Its a seaside town and quite safe compared to where we are now in staffy central. We would have to give up the council tenancy and somehow find 6 months deposit in advance to be able to rent a house which are much, much cheaper than here and it IS doable. I have 2 sisters there who I would like to try to foster a relationship with and my 2nd DD is buried there and I would like to be able to visit her grave. The local college is running the exact same course there as DD was going to do here and the secondary school for the DSs is better. We would have to live on benefits for a few months until we could find jobs or H could stay at his darling brother's an hour from his work for a few months and continue in his current job until I find one. I am hoping the move get me out of my current rut and will motivate me to get my shit together.

I would also ideally like to get rid of H but am loathe to because of the DCs obviously. H has said there is no way that he moving down there. HE is settled in his job and it is because I wanted us to move to Canada that we're in this mess blah blah. I said I would move alone then but he has said that I'm not taking his kids etc and I KNOW he will get nasty. I have nothing and nobody where we are. We will have to continue to live in this horrible flat for 3/4 years as H has point blank refused to rent privately here as well. It feels like he is punishing Me for life being so hard and for our financial situation stating that HE has always worked ignoring the fact that I have worked and earnt a lot more than him and have been bringing up the DC practically as a single mother due to his working hours.

Yesterday, his day off, I had to take the DCs out on my own as they can't be stuck indoors all day (no garden) and he REFUSED to go out as he wanted to watch TV. I fucking hate him really.

Do I really have to stay in his hell because he is happy with it? I don't know if I have the courage to go it alone. WWYD?

LibertineLover Mon 13-May-13 12:36:18

Oh love, you have had a terrible time haven't you?

short answer, leave the useless bastard, you can do this alone, he is just dragging you down.

yes, he probably would try and get nasty, but what could he do? If you're thinking...take the kids...No, he couldn't

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Mon 13-May-13 12:42:46

Thanks Libertine I dont want to take the DCs from him. I dont want to have a broken family like I had. I just want us all to have a better quality of life. He blames me for moving to Canada because I saw the advert in the paper hmm.

Loulybelle Mon 13-May-13 12:46:26

Your story is familiar to one i just read, if its the same, then i understand your need to leave, he sounds horrendous.

You dont have to stay, you have a right to be happy and so do your DC's, they wont be happy if they have a unhappy mum, you can go it alone, i did when i had horrendous PND, you can do it, you deserve to happy.

LibertineLover Mon 13-May-13 12:48:28

this is no life for your kids though is it? A miserable Mother and a Father that shows her no empathy or kindness, it can't go on. You will end up having a breakdown, then where would they be?

I know how it feels to come from a broken family, but in the long run it has to be for the best. you don't love him do you? and he doesn't love you, he's made that very clear.

I honestly think if you took some control back you would go from strength to strength.

fluffyanimal Mon 13-May-13 12:49:08

Couldn't read and run. What you describe is TOTALLY not 'all you' and your H is not right about anything, about one single thing that you have written here that he blames you for.

You say you hate him (and rightly so - I hate him too just reading this) but are loathe to leave him because of the DC. You cannot allow this dreadful man to continue to model to your DC how to abuse a person emotionally, as this will be damaging them.

Someone more knowledgeable / experienced than me will no doubt be along shortly but I think the overwhelming advice will be to contact Women's Aid and seek their advice and help for leaving him. Regarding custody of the DC, I would be very surprised if he was able to make any serious case for taking them away from you. Ask for help, from any official structure possible - GP, social services - so that it is on record that you are open to input and only want to do the best for your DC.

Please get help. This parasite has fed off you for too long knowing that you are vulnerable and only serving to increase your vulnerabilities. Unmumsnetty hugs.

LazyMonkeyButler Mon 13-May-13 12:52:05

I know that is very un-Mn-like but ((((hugs)))). You sound like you definitely need them.

I am not normally one to be shouting "leave the bastard" but, in your case, I really think you need to. You have been dealt a shitty hand in life - first with your mother & then with your complete arsehole of an H.

You & your DC deserve so much more - go back to your hometown if that is what YOU want to do. Your H can't stop you. You are moving your DC somewhere you feel can offer a happier life, not leaving the country!

All the hand-holding in the world flowers.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Mon 13-May-13 13:05:45

My self esteem has got so bad that I don't trust myself on anything. I have to ask HIM for reassurance on stupid little things and then he uses it to reinforce the fact that I am pathetic. I hate being alone. I have been scared to leave my flat since I have had problems with my neighbour. This is NOT me, I used to be so in control and sure about things but I dont know how to get ME back. I cant ever imagine feeling at peace again.

He has never done much for the DCs. They don't notice that he's not here most of the time.

He thinks I'm running away. I'm not, I've just given up flogging a dead horse. Living here is just existing. I don't expect it all to be rosy if we move but I am confident it will be better. I am not confident about divorcing him though. The sad fact is that I do love him. Up until a while ago I actually used to feel sorry for him being stuck with me. There is no domestic violence or anything. The DCs don't seem to be affected at the moment and believe me, I am alert to them picking up on anything.

All I have to look forward to at the moment is going back to his country for a 'holiday' this summer to see his parents. That is why he won't look into private renting as he wants to have money for us all to go back there. I posted about the one we went on last year (as HeyNa) and it was hell. I really can't face the thought of that again. He says I can't refuse to go as I will be doing the DCs out of a holiday and his parents have a garden they can play in. Like that makes up for them not having a garden for the other 50 weeks of the year!

fluffyanimal Mon 13-May-13 13:09:23

You say you don't want your DC to have a broken family. Sweetheart, it is already broken, regardless of being 'together' on paper. The best way to fix it is to leave him.

Easier said than done, I know. But start reading the support thread for people in emotionally abusiver relationships, you may find advice and sources of strength there.

LibertineLover Mon 13-May-13 13:17:01

He has never done much for the DCs. They don't notice that he's not here most of the time There's your answer about staying for them.

What do you love about this man?

Gillian1980 Mon 13-May-13 13:18:55

I would speak to Womens Aid and also to Shelter. You may be able to claim a "local connection" to your home town as you have family there and would be fleeing abuse. In which case you may be able to get council accommodation and with children you would have a priority need. Definitely speak to experts about this to see exactly where you stand.

fluffyanimal Mon 13-May-13 13:20:58

I don't trust myself on anything
He has never done much for the DCs. They don't notice that he's not here most of the time.
The DCs don't seem to be affected at the moment and believe me, I am alert to them picking up on anything.

I've picked out these phrases from your last post because there is a lot of contradiction between them.
He is an absent, hands-off father. Most children whose father is engaged and involved notice when daddy goes away, they miss him, they ask about him etc. If your DC don't notice his absence, they are being affected by his poor parenting.

Also, DC whose parents have a poor relationship become adept at pretending everything is OK so that they don't rock the boat. Or they grow up accepting that one parent constantly destroying the self-esteem of another is a normal way to treat people and so do not show signs of questioning it or being upset to witness it. But one day your sons will turn round and say to you the kind of things your H does, and will treat their partners the same way. And one day your daughter will marry a man like him and feel sorry for her husband being stuck with her. You all deserve better, you all deserve to live and love like human beings.

If you don't trust yourself on anything, how can you be so sure your DC are not affected by your H's treatment of you? You are self-aware enough to realise that it isn't normal to ask for your H's reassurance on everything. Please be self-aware enough to realise that this relationship is the depth of unhealthiness for your DC and they cannot help be affected by it.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Mon 13-May-13 13:21:33

The fact he's stayed with me I guess. I used to think I was lucky because he's never had an affair and I am such an ugly fat bitch - ha slow laugh ha.

Thank you all for the replies. I need to reinforce these things to myself. I think it is the fact that I have problems with my family that makes me think it's ME that's wrong. After all family should always be there for you, should'nt they?

CherryMonster Mon 13-May-13 13:25:22

can you get in touch with womens aid? they can help you to get out, and even so far as get someone to come to your flat to help you collect things and get away safely. can you start putting some money away with him knowing?

LibertineLover Mon 13-May-13 13:32:11

Yes, you're right that this started with your family set up, your Mother sounds a bloody nightmare, who desterted you/turned onyou when you had been sexually abused. My heart breaks for all you've been through, but you need to start healing, and you will never do that while you're with this man.

NorthernLurker Mon 13-May-13 13:38:43

You've posted about this housing situation before haven't you. Several times in fact.
I don't think you should use that as a reason to end a marriage.

miemohrs Mon 13-May-13 13:42:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theselittlelightsofmine Mon 13-May-13 13:47:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LibertineLover Mon 13-May-13 15:41:47

Northern Her housing situation is not the reason to end this marriage, it's all the other shit in her posts, her housing situation is just making her feel worse.

SquinkiesRule Mon 13-May-13 19:36:15

Not sure I'd want to go and see his parents in another country with him this summer if I were you. Is it a place where he could turn around and say no one is going back to UK ? He doesn't sound happy either. Could he have his own plan going on here too?
I'd use the money to move you and the kids back to your home town, and if he wants to follow he can find his own way and own place to live. Will the sisters allow you to stay with them till you get your own place?

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