Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
27 weeks pregnant and need to leave my husband(110 Posts)
He is a drunk and I can't put up with it anymore.
I posted about him recently and we managed to talk and sort things out after he stayed out all night. However despite the promises he has let me down yet again.
He went to a work rugby event today. I knew there would be all day drinking involved but he swore that he would take it easy.
I didn't hear from him all day so called him about quarter past 6 to see how he was and to find out if he would need collecting from the station later. He sounded ok and not too drunk. He said he would be heading home after the next rugby match. He also promised not to get too drunk and roll in at 2am.
Well here I am it's almost 1am and he is still not home. I've been calling him since 9pm with no answer. I am exhausted but haven't been able to get to sleep .
I finally just managed to get hold of him and he is apparently in east London and kept saying he wants to get home. That's nowhere near where the rugby was or where we live. There is no way for him to get home now unless he finds a cab willing to take him. That's going to cost £££££.
I won't be able to sleep until he finally gets home whenever the hell that will be, meaning I won't be able to manage at work tomorrow. I just can't do this anymore. I'm 7 months pregnant and can't put myself through anymore nights of being awake wondering where the hell my husband is.
I have to accept that he will never change. I can't put a child through this either. He clearly has an alcohol problem though he won't accept it. Being honest our entire relationship has been blighted by his drinking. I should never have married him. I kept hoping he would change. He has got better and goes out less but even one incident a year like this is too much for me. This is the 2nd in less than a month. He said fatherhood would change him but my being pregnant hasn't so why would a baby.
Autumn, I hope you are asleep now. If you are not... My ex-H was very like this
with drug use as well, just for fun. I ended up leaving and that was a good decade ago. I bump into him sometimes and he is exactly the same.
What is the alcohol problem exactly? Can't stop when he's started? Has to have a drink to have fun? Habit and can't break it? What's his drinking like regularly (I mean, in a normal week)?
He is a man who currently has no incentive to change. He has promised this and that but clearly has no intention of keeping the promise. Pregnancy has not changed his behaviour and a child won't either. What might just get through to him and motivate him to change is a period of enforced separation. So your plan is a good one. I don't know if you're feeling that this it - finally over - or if you're trying to spur him into action but, either way, you're doing the right thing.
I left a similar man but a long time after I should have done and I am still castigated as he is 'such a great laugh' and other such crap.
My worst him story was when he got so drunk he couldn't drive me to the hospital for the steroid injections our baby needed as we had an early c- section never mind the FOUR wetting the baby's heads he had - the last one resulting in him falling on me as I was stitched and breast feeding.
What a cock......, do what's best for you and the baby. I ended up hating him.
It's okay to walk away from someone with an alcohol problem. You don't need to fix it. You especially don't need to fix it when you're two months away from giving birth.
You have a bit of grace time now to find somewhere new to live and do a bit of nesting before the baby arrives - put yourself first and do it.
What the others said.
You clearly have had enough, quite rightly so.
Leave now and build a happy home for your child.
He may eventually realise what he's lost and turn his life around. Your choice whether to still be there for him or not.
You need to give him incentive to change. Kick him out, he doesn't deserve you.
Thanks for the support.
He finally got home at five to two. This morning he is trying to act as though nothing is wrong and that I'm being unreasonable. Apparently it was because if packed trains that he couldn't get on that he didn't get home until that time. He also claims he spoke to me all night. He is clearly lying. Does he really think I'm going to believe him?
I'm just done now I can't live like this. Every time he goes out I feel anxious and stressed in case there's another incident. He thinks that because he used to drink all the time and now its only occasionally that its fine. It's not fine for me and I know that he will never change.
Have you got a plan Autumn? When are you going to have it out with him?
That's really hard Autumn. I remember your last thread, and Im very sorry that he has not taken on board how serious this issue is. I agree he will not change , so you need to MAKE a change for you and your unborn child. What are your options ?
You're being so strong at such a hard time Autumn. Very admirable.
And who knows? Maybe- And I mean maybe addictions are selfish- Missing the birth f his DC2 and being in some crappy B&B or a mate's couch will make him realise the bottle isn't worth it.
If not, you and your DC are better bloody well shot of the drunk. x
This is no way of living your life when you become a parent. You sound sensible and level headed. It is not fair to inflict this on a child, and for you to have to put up with this when you have a small baby to consider too.
Do you own your home, or are you renting?
Another example of how trying to manage someone else's addictions is just never going to work
You are learning this the hard way, Autumn
I hope you will stop now. This is no atmosphere to bring a baby into.
I wish I had done what you are thinking of doing, I left when dd was ten months.
The first ten months of dds life were a hellish unhappy place and I deeply regret allowing that to happen.
Being a single mum is a walk in the park compared to effectively being a single parent while also trying to maintain bad relationship.
I will never forgive myself for the things my dd was exposed to in the first year of her life, she has changed completely since we moved. She no longer cries when I try to take her home, she used to tense up and start bawling as soon as we went in the gate
Do your self and your dc a favour and create a space you look forward to bringing them home to.
If you want to chat feel free to pm me
Oh Autumn i feel for you i really do
I was in exactly the same situation last year but i wasn't married to him
I threw him out when our daughter was 3 months old last August after i yet again had to take her into the spare room in her travel cot as he was so pissed and snoring like a pig and could have stood up and knocked her over or pissed on her or anything
I am so happy and at peace now with just me and my little girl and i really really regret staying with him throughout my pregnancy and feeling stressed for half of it
All i wanted was for her to go to bed in peace and with no drama every night and no one stinking of alcohol around her and that's what i now have
I know it's hard but stay strong hun and a year down the line you will be a lot happier
ps i doubt he will change, i was in theatre waiting for a c section and my babys heart crashed, everyone started running around and shouting, i was in floods of tears and they knocked me out with gas to get her out quickly, they threw him out of the room and he said he remembers looking at me and my big tummy after they'd ripped my gown off and sitting outside praying to god that our baby survived
All that and she still didnt change him, he turned up stinking of drink at the hospital 48 hours later, he'd been on a bender whilst i recovered
Autumn, another one with similar experience. My ex, DS1's dad, was a happy drunk, good time boy, 'not a bad lad' as he kept telling me. I also remember being about 7 months pregnant and being called out in the early hours because he couldnt get home from town. I left at one point while pregnant and threw him out once. None of it made a difference. When DS1 was 3 months old, he got done for drink driving (drove into town after about 5 pints - in my car - so he could go to a nightclub and drink some more) and lost his licence. We had to move house so he could still get to work. And still it didn't stop. I ended up anxious every time he drank in the house or went out - and he would tell me I was controlling him, that my anxiety was making him want to drink more, he felt like he was being watched all the time.
I kept feeling like I had to give him chance after chance after chance. I finally left when DS1 was 18 months old after another bender meant ex was snoring drunk on the sofa when we came downstairs, and DS1 was prodding at him. He's still a drunk, still doesn't take any responsibility for his actions or for stopping drinking. I feel like I gave him too many chances, I should have left while I was pregnant.
Do it. Leave, have a break from him. If he's any kind of man, he'll sort himself out in order to win you and your child back. If he's more in love with drink that you, he wont, but then you'll know.
Oh Milly that's awful. The lack of support at times of need is just awful.
Mine was the same - he left the hospital at 10pm, made it back in time for lasts and wet the baby's head
got twatted. I was awake all night with a new baby, expected him to arrive at 8am, when they allowed partners back on the ward. He didn't appear at the hospital till gone 11am, I was frantic and struggling on my own. He was stinking of booze. Then drove me and our son home, probably over the limit.
Hi Autumn, I remember you from your previous thread.
I'm glad you've come to a decision.
You've been given some good advice from people in similar situations.
Today is the start of your new life.
Herranna was absolutely spot on with her advice:-
"Being a single mum is a walk in the park compared to effectively being a single parent while also trying to maintain bad relationship. "
Herranna is spot on.
When you get rid of him the weight that will lift from you will be enormous. Its heartbreaking to come second to drink, and even more heartbreaking that your baby wont change him either, but its true that he really wont change.
Holding your hand Autumn. You are doing the right thing leaving & will be calmer & happier for you & DC without him. If he really wants to change then he will, but you don't need to pick up the pieces for him. i recommend seeing your gp & ask for a referral for counselling to help you through. The nhs don't offer NLP but if you can afford it, then pay for some private sessions. Good luck
Back up what others have said about him not changing. Get some support for yourself ASAP. I recommend Al-Anon from personal experience. It's not for everyone but I think they saved my life
I managed to get away from ex before we had children. I wish I'd done it months before I eventually did
He wont change because he doesn't care enough that it bothers you.
My ExH was just like all the ones above, He drank and took drugs. e wouldn't change because he didn't care that I found his behaviour unacceptable. (and it was very very unacceptable) He is now my ex. He does not live with his children and is a sad loser.
My DP has, on occasion gone out and been much later back than he said he would be. We had a chat and I explained that I don't mind When he comes home, but I would like to know what his plans are. He always always lets me know now. Because it matters to him that I am not upset. Because I matter to him....
That's it really. What are you going to do ?
I haven't seen him since first thing this morning. He hasn't left the spare room. He was supposed to be in work today so no idea why he hasn't gone in.
I had to call in sick myself as I am already struggling with being pregnant and couldn't have managed on so little sleep.
I want him to move out but getting him to accept he is in the wrong will be a struggle. He thinks an alcoholic is someone who drinks all day long. He doesn't drink everyday but very often he can't seem to stop once he starts. He doesn't think it's a problem though as it doesn't happen every time. Once he reaches a certain point he becomes insensible. You can't talk to him because he doesn't understand a word you say. When he gets like this he isn't even able to answer basic questions. He thinks this is just normal and something all men do.
In short, he isn't a clinical alcoholic because he is not addicted to alcohol. However, if you drink, it causes you serious problems (relationships, work, family etc.) and you continue to drink, you have a drinking problem. He has a drinking problem. I think worrying and upsetting your pregnant partner to the point they want you gone is a problem.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.