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Why is it so hard to stop loving men who aren't right for me?

(5 Posts)
superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 22:36:14

I am pondering this a lot following my break up. My ex wasn't right for me in many ways (he smokes weed regularly) but there were also many lovely things about him. Why am I still pining for someone who isn't 'the one'? The eventual stonewalling leading up to me being dumped made me very anxious. I think I am just confused. I can't blame him totally for the break up as I was being stupid. AAAAGGGRRRR......I think I miss the hugs, teh sex, the exciting dates and his lovely kids. bugger.

scaevola Sun 12-May-13 22:56:36

You are seeing the good bits through rose coloured specs. And of course you miss those.

But they were never enough to make him right for you because there were deal breaking factors in play too.

No-one is all bad or all good, which is why it's possible to mourn the good bits in your heart whilst still knowing in your head that you're doing the right thing.

I'd say you need to stay single until you are in better shape. And learn from this. Then when you are ready to look for a new man, you really look at new potential partners and see their flaws as well as their good points (not just rush into affection/companionship to fill a void) and value yourself more than settling for someone with harmful flaws. People don't come labelled with their shittiness so you can swerve them - dating is about getting to know someone over time and in a variety of circumstances. A mistake is in sticking with someone once you know they're wrong for you, not in finding out they are good enough.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 07:53:25

You seem to be posting roughly the same thing quite frequently at the moment. smile You know what... relationships are a lottery. You take a shine to someone, you get to know them, you find out they're not all you thought they were (or vice versa), you part company... and move onto something else. It's as much good luck as good judgement.

Bad relationships carry on longer than they should for lots of reasons. We get attached to people and things that are quite wrong for us if we don't call time sooner rather than later. We stick with people who are wrong if we don't think we deserve any better or if we are overly-optimistic.

Please fill your life with other things now. And make it your life... a complete life, a whole life, a life with a future and self-esteem.... rather than half a life expecting some man to fill in the gaps. The next person you meet be super critical about whether they deserve to be there and whether they enhance that life. If they don't, end it quickly, think 'their loss' and move swiftly along.

ohnoididnt Mon 13-May-13 08:56:53

Cogito - good post I agree. There's more to life than men and you need to be happy on your own instead of waiting for a man to make you happy.

I have a habit of choosing the wrong ones but sticking in there as I see the potential. How good things could be. What a great guy the man could be. Totally unrealistic I've learnt. They are what they are and if it's wrong it's wrong. Move on. If you keep them in your head, you keep them in your heart. Everything we feel is a result of what we allow ourselves to think

Good luck! .

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 09:08:13

"What a great guy the man could be."

Those words 'could be' have certainly meant I've wasted a lot of perfectly good time in my life. smile I've finally decided that life is too short to take someone on hoping they'll miraculously drop their more irritating traits or that you can mould them to be your perfect partner. A run-down house, yes. You can replace bits, add extensions and give it a fresh coat of paint and you can have exactly what you want. People ... no. People are what they are. You have to assess them 'warts and all' and, if the warts are 'not right for you' (which is what you said OP) then reject and move on. Don't stick around trying to be a wart-lover.

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