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Don't feel like I'm coping with my husband leaving

(12 Posts)
TopsyTurvey87 Sun 12-May-13 20:44:26

Hi everyone,just looking for a bit of support and advice really.In Feb my husband of 3 years (together for 8) started being really distant and unhappy. When I asked questions he told me that he would always love me but wasn't in love. It absolutely devastated me. We have two beautiful girls aged 3 and 6. We carried on for a few weeks with me trying to be the perfect wife, making sure we did things together and didn't argue etc.Nothing improved and he told me he wanted to have a break for a week to clear his head. He went to stay with a friend from work but came back after three days saying he was definitely in love with me and that there would be no more wobbles. That day was perfect and I couldn't have been happier but he quickly became distant again.
A few days later I went to the zoo with the girls and came back to find a letter to say he didn't see a future for us. He's still living in the spare room of his (male) friend. The girls were devastated to begin with but I have tried so hard to make sure they're happy and settled and they seem to be coping OK. Is just me that still feels horrible. I wake up every day missing him and remembering all the happy family times we had. I feel so angry my girls have lost their lovely happy family.
I first thought there must be another woman but he swears there isn't. I have also checked his phone email and Facebook without him knowing and there was no sign of anyone. All he can say is we have grown apart and its not enough. Just needed to ask if it will ever feel better x

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 20:55:26

I'm sorry to hear about this. It is awful when they just up and leave. I bet there is another women.....normally is I'm afraid. not what you want to hear but then at least you will have a reason..Just randomly upping and leaving is a bit odd. Either way in time you will cope very well without him. Time is a healer. God I hate all this devastation caused by fickle men.

superstarheartbreaker Sun 12-May-13 20:55:58

Oh can be a lovely, happy family without him you know.

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 20:56:20

Topsy, I am so sad for you, I do know what you are going through. It is so hard to keep going for your children when you are devastated. I am only 4 weeks down the line myself, angry one minute, griefstricken the next.
But I have been told it will get better, be good to yourself, try to eat properly and have as much sleep as you can. It will help you cope. Also any support that is given in RL, take it! Get out and about as much as you can. x

TopsyTurvey87 Sun 12-May-13 21:05:34

Thank you so much for your replies. So sorry to hear others are going through this too. Its just horrible. I'm lucky to have a lot of support from family and friends but feel like they must be fed up of me talking about it all the time. It just makes me so sad and angry that you can marry someone and have two babies then just decide its not for you anymore x

TopsyTurvey87 Mon 13-May-13 20:08:04

Also if anyone has suggestions on how to help the children cope sad xx

DotCottonsHairnet Mon 13-May-13 20:39:51

It does get better - am 6 months into this now. Still have bad days but the gaps between are getting bigger and bigger and the bad days are just hours rather than whole days.

Mine said there was no one else - there was and he's just started going out with her - he did tell the children and 8 first though. One child might be prepared to see them together but the other won't.

We made sure we told our teens that despite our differences we did both love them and we have tried to do stuff as a 4. Less now but it still happens. I think he has noticed that the eldest is moving away from him - when he called in tonight to collect post etc Eldest didn't come down and see him at all.

badinage Mon 13-May-13 20:57:06

Poor you - this must be heartbreaking.

This hasn't happened to me but I work with teens and although older than yours, most of them have separated or divorced parents. They all say the same thing; it wasn't the splitting up that did the damage (in many cases they are bitter that it didn't happen sooner) it was the lies one or both parents told about it and the feeling that the non-resident parent had discarded them, both financially and in lack of presence/contact.

So I'd advise you to tell the children an age-appropriate account of what's happened - that you've split up but that you both love them just as much as you always have and that they can still spend time with him even though he won't be living with you. If they ask questions, don't lie though.

I'm afraid it's very likely there is someone else, but he's just covered his tracks and made sure you can't find any trace of her. There's likely to be an alternative Facebook account and a spare phone involved. In the unlikely event that children of this age will ask if there's anyone else involved, all you can say is that you've been told there is not, which is after all the truth.

I'd advise you to get legal advice as soon as you can and agree residence and contact, but not in your home. To him, confine your conversations to the girls, finances and the practicals and above all, don't ask him to re-consider. If he's going to come back, he will only do so if he thinks he's lost you for good.

TopsyTurvey87 Mon 13-May-13 20:58:52

That is such good advice. Thank you xx

Scruffey Mon 13-May-13 21:06:48

You are doing fine, this is still very early days and very raw. You will gradually feel better but it takes a long time.

Unfortunately I agree with the previous poster re the suggestion of another woman. He said he will always love you but isn't in love with you - there is no rational reason for him to leave if those were the only factors involved which is why I would say there may be another woman. My h always thought very badly of men who cheated until he became one of them.

TopsyTurvey87 Mon 13-May-13 21:20:37

He just said only loving someone isn't enough and that he needed to know he was in love. So heartbreaking when I'm head over heels in love with him. Just keep thinking about the happy times we had together and the family we were x

2anddone Mon 13-May-13 21:23:49

Hi TopsyTurvey
I am 4 weeks down the line since the children were told. They are 4 and 7 so quite close in age to yours. My H is also saying there is noone else and that we just grew apart and he loves me like a sister hmm. I don't believe him but until proved otherwise have no choice.
I have been honest with my children and told them that we still love them with all our heart and told them if they have any questions that they want to ask they can no matter what they are. I have had questions ranging from 'will daddy be here christmas day to watch us open our stockings?' to 'will daddy be here on our birthdays' to 'will daddy still come on holiday with us?' to 'who will get things out of the loft for us now?'
I have tried to answer the questions as honestly as I can and my usual answer is 'if daddy wants to he can' its really hard as it came completely out of the blue for me as for them. H still comes to see the children twice a week and i either go out or stay in, he doesnt have anywhere of his own yet. Last weekend I went to stay at a friends house so the dc could have him sleep over night (and I could drink wine and have a decentish night sleep).
Have you spoke to your dd school? I had an appointment with the head before I sent my ds back to school and they have been fab, set up TaMHS for him (basically like councelling for kids) and really kept an eye on him for me.
The 3 of us still have our good days and our bad days but it is still early on. I am starting to notice some definite bonusses. I love the extra cupboard space and that their is no 'man dirt' in the bathroom. My house stays clean much longer and my food shopping bill has halfed as I am not having to cook huge meals every evening.
The good people of MN have also been a great support so keep posting it really does help. ((hugs))

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