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Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

(875 Posts)
mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 12:43:19

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

StealthOfficialCrispTester Sun 12-May-13 12:46:36

He's blaming you for his bad behaviour. Nice guy.
This is not your death. I think you need to see a GP about your anxiety. You are 42, this will be the start of a positive new phase in your life

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 12:50:40

Hello stealth. Yes have seen doctor and am on meds. I am 46 years old and devastated and destroyed. We had all these plans for the future, we were going to be buried together. I am so terrified, I cannot do this with out him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-May-13 12:50:52

You have my utter sympathy. This kind of situation is truly horrible - I've been there myself - and it's like having your heart ripped out and then fed to the nearest dog... But please listen to your DDs who sound like a pair of absolute diamonds. They love you and I think what they're saying is absolutely right.

He was always going. It isn't your fault. He's met this other person, made a decision to leave at some point in the recent past and probably only sat talking and crying etc with you because you were so upset. It's not your health problems he knows perfectly well what he wants and now you do as well.

How you get through this is to approach it like any other major shock/grieving process. That means you need time, support and RL help from anyone and everyone you can. If you are stressed and anxious, do talk to your GP. I know it feels like 'death' at the moment and, if you've been with the same person since 15 years old, he's left a seriously big hole in your life... but you can get through this and you will in time.

Good luck

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 12:56:21

Cannot imagine ever getting through this. We did everything together. There was no warning, apart from the few weeks before, when he was being really nasty to me. i have seen a doctor and am now seeing a counsellor but not sure if it is working, too early days yet. I have good friends and family but do not want to be a burden to them. I am totally broken, will never get over this.

thanksformyboy Sun 12-May-13 12:58:43

Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I know it feels like the end of the world now but you will not feel like this forever I promise.
This has only just happened and you are obviously completely shocked by it.
Have you been given any medical help at all, ad's, counselling?
I'm 8 weeks into being single after my oh left me for ow and for the first month I couldn't function properly at all and if anyone told me then things would get easier I would not have believed them but its true, they do. I'm not saying I'm over it but I know in time I will be.
Your dd's sound amazing and are obviously a credit to you.
I'm sorry I haven't much in the way of advice to give but am sure someone a lot wiser than me will reply too.
Keep posting on here, the women on here will keep you going, a lot of them are truly inspirational and on my down days I read some of their threads and some of them have come through in much it may help you to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel, you just can't see it yet.

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 13:02:08

Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been with him since I was 15 years old, and was married for 27 years. Can't see a way forward, the future terrifies me. It feels gaping and long now. He says he will buy his own house once all the money has been settled. I do not think he is with ow, she lives too far away. I think his head has been turned and he thinks there is now something better out there.

thanksformyboy Sun 12-May-13 13:02:08

Sorry cross post, see you've had other replies and are getting counselling.
As already stated none of this is your fault.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-May-13 13:03:48

I know it feels like you'll never get over this but you really will. You have to believe that. Four weeks is almost like yesterday, emotionally speaking. It's still extremely raw, you will be having more bad days than good days, but as time goes on that will switch around. It is going to take a long time... months or years... but there will come a day when you turn in for the night and realise you haven't thought about him for a while.

The hole in your life at the moment - aside from his physical presence, of course - is 'the future'. He was an integral part of that, you probably had a very clear 'path' in your head of the pair of you doing various things once the girls were independent, growing old together and being buried side by side. Because that future has been taken away you currently feel like you don't have one at all. But there is a future for you and it is one that you will determine for yourself once you've had chance to think, recover and regroup.

Your friends and family want to support you. You're not a burden, you're someone that needs help. Please don't hide yourself away but be with the people who love you and let them look after you until you feel more able to look after yourself.

Joy5 Sun 12-May-13 13:07:52

Mrsmciver i'm in exactly the same position as you, except its been 18 months now, divorced and still have the finances to sort.
Like you we did everything together, were together nearly 30 years, my ex suddenly turned into a monster i'd never seen before, spent the last few months together with him having one emotion and that was such verbal anger towards me. Everything was my fault, even how little benefits i got! Since he left its been the same, until finally i took legal action to keep him away from me and our family home.
I don't want to do this life, but i've no choice. My eldest son died unexpectedly nearly five years ago, my ex is the only person with the shared memories we have of our son. Anyone else i have to explain the memory. Hes robbed me of those shared memories too. We'd booked a grave at the side of our son for both of us, now i don't know what will happen to it, hes got a new partner who never met our son, i don't want her to be there.

I have good friends and don't want to be a burden to them, i've been texted this morning and asked how i am by 2 friends, i've replied i'm fine, they've got their own lifes to lead, both have ill relatives, they need to deal with their own lifes, not look after me every week. I am totally broken too.
I just wish i could tell you how to make yourself better, but i can't, i don't think theres anything anyone else can do except say if u need to talk do so on here, if not sure if you can pm someone on MNs but if u can, please send me a more private message if you want.
I'm 18 months further on, maybe i have already experienced what you're struggling with at the moment.
The ending of a marriage is very similar to a bereavement, i've gone through both in the last five years, and you go up and down, reliving parts of what happened over and over, being petrified and everything else you've said.
Take all the help you can, sending you hugs, i woldn't wish this on anyone. xxxx

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 13:08:23

Cognito, I have been letting people help. I have been taken here there and everywhere but I couldn't tell you where I have been, if you see what I mean? The grief is overwhelming and I am trying to be strong for my girls.
He looked awful the other night too, but this is his choice and he wants to "press ahead" so quickly with everything. Why, if he wants this is he suffering so much too? I don't understand.

thanksformyboy Sun 12-May-13 13:10:30

I know how scary it is. I'm 39 and was with my ex from the age of 19. You dont have to jump straight into a 'new life', you will know yourself when its time. In the meantime be kind to yourself and try not to beat yourself up, he has done this not you. He will realise in time that the grass isn't greener but by then you'll have a whole new life and probably won't care anyway.
Just know you will get through this no matter how much you think otherwise at the moment xx

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 13:14:38

Joy5, am so pleased to see you! Yes, I have good friends too. Some have really came to the fore since this happened, others did not contact me at all. I don't know how to send a private message on mumsnet, but I feel for you,I really do. It is so awful. everything feels so bleak and empty now, when I last saw him on Frid night I was practically hanging off him, I have no dignity left now. I just do not get how he could give up on his family, the life we had together, the future, how did I not see it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-May-13 13:17:59

I know exactly what you mean. I was also with my ex from a young age. I remember the shock, the horror, the disbelief, the denial. I remember thinking he'd made some big mistake and would turn up any minute to say so. I also remember driving places and not remembering how I got there. Disturbed dreams, inability to concentrate, much more besides. What you're feeling - horrible as it is - I would call 'normal'.

If he looks 'awful' that's probably because he's feeling guilty, not because he wants to turn the clock back. People who leave their partners are selfish but not necessarily completely heartless. There's no good way to say 'it's over' after 27 years, let's face it.

Being strong for your girls isn't a bad strategy incidentally. 'Fake it until you make it'... has merit. So does diversion. Do you work? Is there some activity you could throw yourself into?

happyAvocado Sun 12-May-13 13:39:34

It is normal to feel the way you do.
Your DH betrayed your trust and that's hard feeling to get over.

You are going to go through many emotions before you heal.
Have look at this list:

happyAvocado Sun 12-May-13 13:54:52

Mintyy Sun 12-May-13 14:01:04

Have you spoken to the Samaritans? They are absolutely wonderful with people in your position. You can also make an appointment to go and see someone face to face after you have spoken on the phone.

Joy5 Sun 12-May-13 14:05:00

I don't know how i didn't see it either.

I've friends who been fantastic, otheres who have kept away, i've learnt to take from the people who are there.
I saw my ex in his car a few weeks ago, and didn't recognise him at first!! He looked so awful, im guessing its the guilt, he can blame me for everything but underneath he knows hes responsible.
Fake it until you make it, seems to be good advice to me, i've been told it before, just do what you after do, anything else is a bonus, one day we'll have new lives and be sorted and this will all be a distant memory!
Until then we have MNs to help us on our way smile xx

MumnGran Sun 12-May-13 14:06:18

mrsmciver - I have been in precisely your place after almost 30 years of marriage, and I know it feels as though your life is over. It seems as though they have taken not just today, and the future, but also the past - because of all the lies that you believed.

My own circumstances were complicated by a mess of other things within the marriage so, for me, it was actually the best possible thing which could have happened. But I didn't know that at the time. I felt just as you do.

You are going to feel these lows, frequently, and for some while you will not see past them, but you just need to hang in there. There IS life after this. And it will be good (for some of us, it even turns out to be a million times better!)

Your feelings are absolutely normal. It is OK to feel this way - you are still in shock. But I promise promise promise that there is a future......and it can be really good.
x x flowers

IrritatingInfinity Sun 12-May-13 14:06:20

Gosh, what n awful situation. I feel so so sorry for you. Thank goodness you ave your girls. He chose a crap time to do this from your DD's point of view. Imagine having the stress of exams and then this on top.

I haven't any good advice other than make sure you look. After yourself and try and be as sensible and rational about this as you can. (Yes, I know that is imposiblesad )

I am sure the unexpectedness of it has made it worse.

I am the same age as you! You have plenty of time to start 'part 2' of your life.

Hugs x a million. thanks

AnAirOfHope Sun 12-May-13 14:22:51

I cant imagen how hard it is for you (hugs)

From your post i know two things;
1) You have your first grandchild to look forward too

2)You can help your dd thru her exams and help her with college/uni and the start of her adult life

3) You are now able to truly do what you want with your life - travel the world, take a new studie course up or a new hobbie, find a new life partner. Anything you want to do you can.

My sister had twin boys at 48yo and the start of a whole new phase of her life. You are not too old and with every death comes a new beinging.

Say my Gran said “One door closes and another opens and God never gives us anything he doesnt think we can handle“.

Lavenderhoney Sun 12-May-13 16:03:01

You are not a burden on anyone, what you are experiencing is support and love from friends and family in a situation which is outside your control.

Your dds are right, you are better off without him. You sound such a nice caring person who has been treated very badly by someone you loved.

He is horrible for trying to blame you for the destruction of your marriage. He's the one having the affair and sneaking about behind your back. Lucky you found out and not after a year or longer of him doing this. You could make his life hell! The cheek of him!

Don't allow him to talk to you like that either. Refuse to engage - you don't need to listen to it. Let him go and moan at ow about it.

Make sure he can't come and go as he pleases, don't respond to his text / emails instantly, and see a solicitor. You need to make sure you protect yourself. You don't need to update him anymore. Look on this as a form of taking control and power for you.

gettingeasiernow Sun 12-May-13 16:30:14

I am so very sorry, I like many remember the utter desolation that you are feeling now. It will take many years probably to feel calm and peaceful and content again, but it will happen. Please believe what the lovely ladies are telling you. This nightmare will pass, and you'll go on to build new dreams for the rest of your life, things that you wouldn't have thought of before, personal goals that can bring you so much pleasure.
You deserve so much better. For now, breathe deeply and picture yourself on the moral highground, wronged but dignified and strong - I used to just focus on trying to maintain dignity at those times when I was so confused I just didn't know any more what was wrong or right, my heart was so broken. Now I'm glad for having that, it really helped with hindsight. Wishing you strength, you are not alone. xx

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 16:40:18

Thank you all for such kind caring words. My heart is shattered, I cannot think straight. I am not able to work because of my health. I used to look forward to him coming home at the end of the day - now nothing. Dear god, can't believe this is happening. What do I do now?
He could barely look at me on Friday night, and when he did he was shocked at the weight I had lost.
He just wants to finalise everything so quickly. How long was he planning this? Were the blinkers just taken off his eyes as he claimed?
I do not think there is another woman, she lives so far away and they would only meet up on business trips, so I do not think he is with her. But who knows anymore? I trusted him completely. He said I totally overreacted when I found the e-mails, and the hatred I showed on my face he will never forget. But it was the devastation.

BookieMonster Sun 12-May-13 16:48:24

He's just trying to find a way for him not to be the bad guy. He's mortified at being caught out and trying to spin it so that he is a victim rather than a callous adulterer.

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