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How do I get over the anger I have towards my shit parents?

(6 Posts)
moonmanic Sun 12-May-13 10:52:49

My dad was always very rejecting, would literally ignore my presence even if I was stood in front of him trying to get is attention. He would just carry on with whatever he was doing as though I was not there. He would either be like that or he would tell me I was uneducated and stupid. That I don't understand anything. That he did not want to spend time with us because he was intellectually superior to everyone in the family and could not have a intellegent conversation with us. He would say things to my mum when we needed something that they were "her" kids so she should deal with them. He would also fly into the most terrifying rages at home and also in public, which was always so humiliating. We always had to tread on eggshells round him so as not to upset him or set off a rage.

My mum colluded with this. Did'nt do anything to stop him. She must have a shitty time because he is so controlling of her. However I believe she is very passive aggressive on me. She has no control over my dad so she always takes it out on me. She is very critical and invalidating. Tells me I'm not feeling the way I feel, tells me things that my dad has done never happened. I can't tell her anything because she always knocks it down. I made the mistake once of confiding in her that my first boyfriend I had had in my teens was very controlling and had raped me, she just that people should not let people do things to them that they do not like. There are countless times where she makes me feel worse when I tell her something personal. I don't know why I did it to myself, I know I am not going to get a response that will be emotionally nourishing for me. Like a while ago she rang to tell me something, I said that I was having a bad day and all she said was "oh, ok". Did not ask me what was wrong or anything. She comes round, doesnt even acknowledge me, tells me all these boring stories about fixing garden fences etc, interrupts me when I talk, mocks me, treats me like shit basically. Is always undermining me also, I posted just before xmas that she had invited my ex who I told her I was not getting on well with to a lunch without asking me first.

I am so filled with anger. Sometimes it is quite overwhelming. I know that if I confront them I will not get a response that I want from them. I will not have a healthy happy relationship with them. I have been thinking for a while about writing them a letter. I just seem to hate them so much. They have been so abusive and nasty to me my whole life. I feel they have tried so hard to ruin my life. Feeling like this is so not good for me. I need to put my anger somewhere but I don't know where or how.

Any advice anyone?

springypergolesi Sun 12-May-13 12:05:33

she just [said] that people should not let people do things to them that they do not like

That's a bit rich, coming from her, wouldn't you say!!!

Toxic family alert. Join the club. imo you won't 'get over it' until you fully explore it, feel it, work through it (not around it); grieve what you didn't have and should have had . I actually feel very angry that I have to go through all that rage, when the initial abuse/damage was bad enough, I'd rather slough it off like a skin and leave it behind. but imo it doesn't work like that - imo you end up taking it with you (unless you process it thoroughly).

I no longer see my family and I can't tell you the bliss of that. Your parents sound to be extremely toxic people [is there such a thing as 'extreme' toxicity? <thinks>]. You won't change them, they'll trundle on like that for ever. The only thing left to you is to change yourself iyswim, find out who you are, find out you are not who they have projected onto you, like projecting on to a screen (with you as an inanimate object). What they've done to you is nothing to do with you, all to do with them. But that doesn't mean the pain of neglect and abuse and fear isn't very, very real. and devastating.

Counselling (long haul, not the derisory 6 weeks). you have to reset your default, which takes a fair bit of work. All worth it, mind.

And read up about toxic families. It all helps. You're in a big club btw.

HarlotOTara Sun 12-May-13 15:02:15

Find a good, counsellor? I had abusive parents and it has taken a long time to be emotionally free of them but I think I am there now. I have had a lot of therapy which has helped enormously and is probably the best decision I have ever made. Psychoanalytic psychotherapy or psychodynamic counselling would be my recommendation and I don't think there are short-cuts.

I can relate to the anger but am not consumed by it any more thank God. It is behind me rather than being lugged around in the present. feel sad I never had a safe and secure upbringing but I have other things now. If I can help more please ask.

Hissy Sun 12-May-13 15:18:25

I can't see how you can ever get through this or over it without feeling the rightful anger you are feeling. It's be harmful to you if you bottled all this up, or denied it.

You ARE in a huge club, why not start with joining the Stately Homes thread on here and chatting through your anger.

The anger is an emotion that you will feel, have to feel, and have to deal with, the sooner you tell yourself that you do have a right to be angry, and deal with it in a safe calm space, the sooner the anger will subside, the overwhelming nature of it in particular, and then you will be able to put everything else into perspective.

There is a great book http://books.google.co.uk/books/about/Breaking_the_Cycle_of_Abuse.html?id=BTNEiMA2wNoC&redir_esc=y this will help in some small way, but ultimately a therapist will really help you to put yourself back together.

Invest the time in yourself, and I guarantee that this will strengthen you as a person to the extent that you will be stronger than you have ever been in your life!

You most certainly are NOT alone.

Hissy Sun 12-May-13 15:19:00

books.google.co.uk/books/about/Breaking_the_Cycle_of_Abuse.html?id=BTNEiMA2wNoC&redir_esc=y

enpointe Sun 12-May-13 15:34:09

Just a personal input, but I managed to let go without professional counselling. I didn't like it and didn't find it helpful and had to find my own way. It takes a lot of 'training' but it is possible smile

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